


기적의 종이 Paper of Miracle

by SnowySummer



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Suicide Attempt, Prepare your heart first, i'm not good with tags, lets just imagine they are at the same grade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 21:24:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 43,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13532829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowySummer/pseuds/SnowySummer
Summary: Prompt #97: After he died, Kyungsoo works as an agent who tracks wishes and makes it happen. He doesn't have any memory of himself apart from his name, so it's freaking him out when a certain wish come to him that written"Please come back to life, Do Kyungsoo."





	기적의 종이 Paper of Miracle

**Author's Note:**

> Heavy warning of suicide(past), self-harm(past), abuse(past) and emotional roller coaster. please refrain from reading this if you are sensitive to the topics above. I'm really warning you :’’’< please do not get hurt just because of my story
> 
> Special thanks to BottomSoo mods that have been so patient with me :''C Also for my legendary beta that has fought over my grammatical error (which is a disaster), thank you so much for lending your time for this fic! Thank you too to everyone that has supported me until now, I will update this thank you once the reveal is up~
> 
> Also for the prompter! Oh my Goddd, thank you for submitting this prompt! I hope I give the justice this prompt deserve! And I hope you enjoy this~
> 
> Anyway, I hope you will love this one :’’’ and for some bgm, I recommend Lee H-Breath, Nosedive, One more light, Goodbye Christmas, SFY, Universe, MID (orchestra version and kor/chi), For you (CBX) and basically every sad themed EXO songs because those were what I listened to when I write this. Especially breath, mid orchestra ver. and nosedive.

  
  
  


 

 

 

When someone dies, a dandelion seed is made from their soul. Lighter than a feather, it’s carried by the wind and floats through the sky, passing the life of people toward its destination.

 

It’s brought to the Tree of Life, where archangels judge whether it was kind enough during its life to be granted another chance or not.

 

Some… some of the seeds are treated as special cases. Cases where the person had lived to give, to share their love, to make others’ lives better, and yet received nothing in return but the Devil’s gift of struggle.

 

People like Kyungsoo. People like him who got the unfairness to receive a blessing, a gift of thank you for staying, for fighting against all odds with love and caring for others.

 

A miracle. Gifted by God himself and carried out by Gabriel to fetch those seeds. Those seeds full of love and smiles despite the tears that keep rolling from their eyes.

  
  


_~Giving for nothing_

_Is not useless_

_People may say so_

_But not me_

 

_Your happiness_

_Will be mine_

_Mine when your smile radiates_

_Shining over the darkness_

 

_Of life._

_Of my life._

 

_When people say so_

_Then come to me_

_Run to me_

_Because I know it is not_

 

_Because I have been doing it_

_For so long_

_To know_

_It's not_

 

_14 January 2021~_

  
  


They meet for the first time when Chanyeol brings Jongin along to their Saturday night get togethers.

 

With just a soft smile, Chanyeol pulls Jongin closer to Kyungsoo and Baekhyun. “This is Jongin, I hope it’s alright that he joins us,” he says gently, glancing at Baekhyun who’s already hidden himself behind Kyungsoo. A few moments pass in awkward silence until Baekhyun nods tentatively, and the boy only nods in return.

 

The smell of cigarette smoke and alcohol is noticeable even from where Kyungsoo and Baekhyun are standing. Baekhyun fingers clutch into the back of Kyungsoo’s shirt, and while Kyungsoo doesn’t move from his position as a human shield, he offers a welcoming smile in the face of Jongin’s piercing eyes.

 

“Cool,” Chanyeol says, still glancing back and forth between them, but he breaks out into a wide smile. More than happy to smooth over the longsuffering pauses, he carries on, “Jongin, this is Kyungsoo and Baekhyun. But now that _that’s_ over with, let’s get this party started.”

 

They eat, drink juice (because they are underage), play games, watch movies and chat throughout the night. Jongin only replies when Chanyeol asks him questions directly and yet his responses only vary between a hum, nod or shrug.

 

He joins them again the next Saturday though, but the smell of alcohol is even worse. Baekhyun still hides behind Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo still welcomes him with a warm smile.

 

For the next three weeks, Jongin comes without carrying any scent of the nightlife with him. He’s changed, or maybe at least tried. Kyungsoo believes it after each week a few more words slip from his lips. Just like a mother waiting for her newborn son to learn words, Kyungsoo finds himself happier every time Jongin decides to add more words to his repertoire when he’s around them.

 

The week after that he comes with tear stains and the liquor from his breath is noticeable even from across the table, and Jongin has only just arrived.

 

That night Jongin plants himself at a corner, far away from where they’re eating and playing at the middle of Chanyeol’s room. He doesn’t respond when Chanyeol tries to check in on him and so the taller boy returns to the table, shaking his head and letting out a sigh.

 

Deciding to take it upon himself to do something, Kyungsoo stands up and is about to join Jongin when he’s stopped by a tug, and looks over his shoulder to lock eyes with Baekhyun silently pleading with him. He doesn’t want him to go for whatever reason, Kyungsoo isn’t sure, but Kyungsoo simply smiles at him and gently uncurls the fingers gripping his arm.

 

He pads across the room to sit beside Jongin, curled up against the wall, hugging his own knees. Sometimes Kyungsoo can hear little sobs and sniffles, otherwise unheard if he wasn’t so close to the boy, and offers him pats and tissues when he thinks Jongin needs them. They sit like that for the rest of the night until Jongin falls asleep and Kyungsoo has to go home. That night is their first turning point.

 

Sadly, they have another turning point, but the latter did the opposite, and crushed them both.

  
  


_“It happens like this._

 

_One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone elseーcloser to them than your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angelーone sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in themーeven if they come hand in hand with pain or sufferingーthe reason for their presence will become clear in due time._

 

_Angels by Lang Leav_

  
  


_Ringgg ringgg ri_ –

 

"Hello? Baek?"

 

" _Kyungs_ –”

 

"If you’re just going to ask if I want to agree on interview or not, no. I don't want to do any. Now I'm clo–”

 

" _Wait! Wait! No, it's nothing work related, I promise,_ " Baekhyun shrieked from the other line.

 

Kyungsoo hummed, but he couldn’t really refuse Baekhyun, so he caved and asked, "Alright, what is it?"

 

" _Ugh… it’s just, has Jongin replying to you? I mean, I remember you said that he hasn't?_ "

 

"Oh…" A pause. "No. Why?"

 

He heard Baekhyun’s soft noise of surprise, like he wasn’t expecting to hear that, and then, _"I just saw him. Maybe he’s busy? Talking in Chanyeol’s office counts as busy, right?"_

 

Oh. He took a moment to clear his voice of disappointment, and asked instead, "You’re at Chanyeol’s office?"

 

_"Uh-huh, I brought that silly yoda’s lunch because he forgot to bring one."_

 

"More than house-spouse, you sound more like a delivery man."

 

_"... I’m hanging up. Bye."_

 

Kyungsoo laughs. "I'm kidding! ...but you’re not alone, right?"

 

_"No, don't worry, his cousin–Heechul, you remember him? The loud one? He was home for the week and volunteered to come with me ‘to disturb his cousin’ he said. So no worries."_

 

"Alright, don't stray too far from Heechul, okay? If anything happens, call me."

 

_"Sure, gramps."_

 

And the line goes off. Kyungsoo stares at his phone and manages to stay numb for a few seconds longer, but then the screen goes dark, and everything rushes back in the blink of an eye.

 

It’s been around eleven years since Jongin entered his life. At first, everything was going well for them both, and despite the hardships in their lives, they’d come together and helped each other through all of that.

 

–until now. Or rather, some years ago. They’d gotten so close, and before Kyungsoo knew it, now Jongin seems so far away.

 

The memories seem so worn and familiar the more Kyungsoo thinks back on them lately. After they became friends and graduated from middle school, they decided to enroll in the same high school. And it was great, even though Jongin’s parents were furious that their prestigious son decided to enroll in a public school, because eventually Jongin and his parents came to an agreement. He could stay in school with Kyungsoo, but after he graduated, he would follow the path his parents meant for him to follow.

 

Jongin had always wanted to pursue dance. He had little interest in business.

 

In the end, Jongin said it was okay, and told Kyungsoo that he should take over the family business anyway. Deep down, he wanted to rebel against them again, but Kyungsoo was willing to stay by his side and be his friend, and he didn’t want to risk losing that.

 

Kyungsoo was too precious, so Jongin decided that letting his dream fall to the wayside for now would be worth it.

 

Friends were always worth it.

 

Their high school days seemed so lively and carefree. They stuck together with Chanyeol between their classes and after school, they headed over to the Park residence to join Baekhyun, who stayed homeschooled.

 

Then they graduated and Jongin majored in business per his agreement with his parents. At least Chanyeol joined him. Jongin even had the chance to help a former classmate, Sehun, open a little dance studio and work part-time as one of their instructors.

 

They were all surprised when Baekhyun followed Kyungsoo and joined the literature department at their university. After being homeschooled for so long, they’d assumed that he still wasn’t ready to be a part of a larger campus, but they were all adults now and even Baekhyun wanted to change himself for the better.

 

(He still hid behind Kyungsoo sometimes, and wouldn’t talk to anyone outside of his circle of friends or his professors, but everyone was still proud of these baby steps.)

 

It was nice graduating in pairs so that no one was left behind and alone. Chanyeol was recruited into his own family business so that he could eventually take over his father’s position as the head of the company, but insisted on starting in an entry-level position and working his way to the top. Jongin, on the other hand, had been taken under his grandfather’s wing for years, and was already well on his way to becoming the CEO of the family business once he graduated college.

 

Kyungsoo became a poet to continue pouring his emotions into his stanzas. And maybe they should’ve expected it, but everyone was once again surprised by Baekhyun becoming an editor so that he could work personally with Kyungsoo.

 

Baekhyun worked hard so that Kyungsoo’s poems could reach as many people as they could, and he surprised even himself with how well he grew into the role. His eye for aesthetics and detail helped with putting books together, and worked past his anxiety to meet with people and land publishing deals. Kyungsoo’s first book was a hit, and so was the second.

 

He became a popular newcomer as a writer and poet, joining the rest of his friends in their early successes in their careers. The days were still lively, but less carefree. It’s harder to meet one another between their busy schedules, but they try. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun work together, Baekhyun and Chanyeol have moved in together, Jongin sometimes collaborated with Chanyeol through work, and Jongin would visit Kyungsoo and the rest of them when he had the rare free evening.

 

But after Kyungsoo’s second book was published a year and a half ago, Jongin started to drift.

 

He officially became the CEO of the Kim business and became busier than ever. The rest of them knew better to pressure him to come out and spend time with them anyway and would try to match his schedule instead, but Jongin would brush them off and say that he wanted to rest instead. Nothing more.

 

Then so much time had passed since Jongin had last met up with them. It was like their middle school days, before they met Jongin, all over again.

  
Friends should stay friends forever, right? But without any communication, they were left adrift. Baekhyun was still too insecure that people would never return once they left, and so was Kyungsoo, even if he tried his best to mask it around his friends.

 

Jongin was the closest to Kyungsoo among their friends. Like Chanyeol to Baekhyun and Baekhyun to Kyungsoo, Jongin was Kyungsoo’s best friend. The one he ran to when he needed comfort or a shoulder to cry on, when he wanted someone to acknowledge his accomplishments and be proud of him.

 

So he tried his best to stay in touch. He left texts and voicemails for him, but they were left unread and unanswered.

 

Baekhyun already gave up, disappointed that Jongin could walk away from his friends so easily. (That he could walk away from Kyungsoo.)

 

Chanyeol also gave up. Whenever they met at work, Jongin was determined to keep things strictly professional no matter how Chanyeol tried to bring up their friends. It hurt to be brushed aside so often, and even more to see how upset this situation had hurt Baekhyun. After a while, he played along and kept things professional too.

 

Over countless voicemails and unread messages, Kyungsoo thought maybe now he is a nuisance to Jongin, so he stopped sending lots of messages and only stand to try to call him at least once per two weeks. He still tries, even with no response given back until now. Deep inside his heart, he hopes Jongin’s name would appear in his notification like old time, when sleepless night was spend for those messages.

 

His third book is highly anticipated. Despite the many invitations for interviews or to guest on a show, Kyungsoo always declines, much to Baekhyun’s confusion and frustration. He prefers his books to stand on their own legs though, rather than riding on the coattails of advertising and money. And he’s always found it more touching when fans tell him that they found his book through word-of-mouth or by chance than anything else.

 

The other reason, which he never tells Baekhyun, is that he doesn’t want to be under the spotlight. Coming to a show means that they’ll be surrounded by people hounding them, and although Baekhyun’s become more comfortable with himself and being in public, Kyungsoo doesn’t want to force that on him if he can avoid it. They’re always side by side, after all.

 

Putting his phone on the desk, Kyungsoo thinks out loud if he should call Jongin or not. But what if he did and this time, Jongin answer? Should he ask why he is ignoring him or when will they meet again? Thinking back, his thought is useless.

 

Jongin will not pick his phone, moreover, explain anything. Kyungsoo sighed. Shaking his head and then sipping the cold coffee he made hour ago, he continues the work that he needed to finish.

  
  


_~You let me wonder. I let you wonder_

_Do I need to search for you? No, but I still do._

 

_No response back._

 

_Do you need to search for me? No, it’s not a must._

_You never think of that anyway._

 

_Am I a burden?_

 

_Is that why?_

 

_2021~_

  
  


"Kyungsoo? What is it?" He asked. It’s not very usual of Kyungsoo to call in the weekday like Tuesday. More likely if Baekhyun is the one who called, himself will get chopped because it’s Kyungsoo’s time to concentrate on his books. So it’s unspoken rules too that Kyungsoo will not call anyone in his _me time_.

 

_"He finally contacted me."_

 

Baekhyun fully knows who Kyungsoo is talking about. As he emphasizes the word _finally._ "Who?" He still asked anyway.

 

 _"Jongin."_ Of course.

 

"What does he want now?" He really tried hard to hide his anger towards their (ex) best friends. This is not getting better at all, more than anything, Baekhyun is worried about Kyungsoo. No matter how clear the younger boy is avoiding them, Kyungsoo hasn't back out yet. Baekhyun is tired, Chanyeol is tired. Jongin has started to act like they are just some people he knows and not his best friends. Maybe there's reasons behind his act, but Baekhyun will not receive any if the boy himself didn't tell it to them directly. Jongin is hurting Kyungsoo, that’s for sure, and Baekhyun not one bit like it. Why does Jongin come just if he needs something? Kyungsoo isn't his emergency place, he can't do that forever to Kyungsoo. It’s crushing him.

 

_"Baekhyun..."_

 

His best friend clearly still care tho. And who is Baekhyun to let his anger win over Kyungsoo? "I’m sorry. So why did he called you?" He uttered very softly, trying to breathe slowly and calm himself.

 

 _"His family is doing their usual Christmas party with their colleague and he kind of asked me to go there too."_ Worry and groggy is in Kyungsoo’s voice, it doesn't sound like Kyungsoo that Baekhyun know.

 

He can't contain his calm after hearing it, "To get mocked by his parents? No Kyungsoo, don’t think on going if Chanyeol and I aren't there." He snapped. Its the secret between their family(Parks and Kyungsoo) that Kims really hate Kyungsoo. In every occasion that gave the opportunity to make Kyungsoo looks bad will be taken by them gladly.

 

He remembers Mrs. Kim did come to the Park mansion once when it's almost time for them to be a highschooler. She did complain to Mrs. Park about this particular _low kid_ that is contagious and taking Jongin away from the _right way._ Little did she knows that the Park really love Kyungsoo as if he is their own son. Mrs. Park just smiled-her lips twitched as she wanted to just kick Kim out of their house- and she exactly does that, but in the soft way by saying she has things she needs to do and she is busy so if _‘Mrs Kim can take her leave she will be so grateful"._

 

Baekhyun hates them so much. They thought having Jongin in their pinky will make Jongin happy, they treat Kyungsoo like a garbage just because he doesn't have a reassuring background like them, adding that he was adopted into their list of things that make Kyungsoo as garbage.

 

If it's not for Chanyeol that one time when four of them do their usual sleep over, Baekhyun has lashed out at that old woman because she bluntly called Kyungsoo as dirty. He really despises Kim. He will not let Kyungsoo goes to that lion cage.

 

Kyungsoo hummed. Baekhyun not sure if it means he gets what Baekhyun’s point or if he gets it, but his caution will go to deaf ears because once Kyungsoo is determined, there will be no end until the end. Baekhyun just hoped Kyungsoo’s option will not turn backwards to him.

  
  


_~They still say it’s useless_

_Useless to sacrifice yourself,_

_yet, what do they know?_

_Have they ever been_

_in that position?_

 

_In shaking toes_

_and clenched hands_

_in tears_

_in a room_

 

_Without anyone looking_

_Without anyone caring_

_Have they ever been there?_

_Because I have_

 

_And I know_

_how much it hurts_

_and because of it_

_I don't ever want_

 

_Anyone to feel the same_

 

_27 Feb 2021~_

  
  


Another day, another wave of fresh dry tears. With a lonely heart and shattered mind, he strolls to his workplace. Dull. He remembers this scene made up of gray skies, buildings towering over each other, people passing by without a care, no one by his side. He is alone. This scene… used to be his past.

 

Used to be.

 

It changes for a moment.

 

Until all of it crashes back to him. Now.

 

His mind, heart and soul is a mess. A mess that can't be repaired anymore. He’s been searching for that heart-shaped smile for so long and only has nothing.

 

If they’re here then they’d reach for Jongin’s hand, telling him that he needs to fight, all while smiling and assuring that they’re here for him. There’s no need to walk alone.

 

If only it could be true…

 

The smile, the _person_ that has been his light, has disappeared before he realized it. Without them, Jongin feels trapped in the darkness, surrounded by gray skies and no one to help him, but the person with that heart-shaped smile who has vanished, gone, cannot be found in this city, in this earth, in this lifetime.

  
  


_~It's all too late to realize it_

 

_When he was gone, already._

 

_2021~_

  
  


"Jongin, you need to focus," Sehun reminds him.

 

They’re at Sehun’s dance studio. It’s expanded to become the most renowned name in the business around Seoul. Jongin used to work part-time there since Sehun started the business, back when they were sophomores in college, but things have changed and now he’s one of the most sought-after dance instructors working full-time.

 

"I am, Sehun," Jongin replies.

 

"No, you’re not." Sehun gives him a sigh.

 

" _Yes, I am._ " Turning back more so Sehun can't sees his face, Jongin repeats with strangled voice.

 

Sehun snorts. "If you mean focusing by crying over your destiny, then sure."

 

A deep inhale. Jongin only stares at the floor, and Sehun doesn’t say anything else. He’s already left the practice room, but Jongin keeps his head down. It’s sad knowing that even Sehun, his close friend, can read him so easily.

 

And call him out on it just as easily. Jongin can’t even be mad at him. Almost all of their friends blame him for everything that’s happened, and so does Jongin.

 

If _he_ was here, then maybe Jongin would receive a light smack upside the head, a soothing caress to follow. Maybe he’d get to hear “ _Put your tomorrow matter to your tomorrow self”_ in that deep, velvety voice, feel arms wrap around his waist in a solid hug.

 

Hah! As if… Jongin shakes his head and looks back up to face the mirrors along one wall. He looks miserable.

 

It’s him. If he can just try to understand people and not the other way round, not to want _him_ to understand Jongin, then this life could be much better.

 

The world isn’t waiting for him. The world keeps rolling, without waiting for him to collect himself or to wait for someone to collect it for him, and the only option for the latter is gone from the world too. Only one person has been working to collect all of Jongin’s pieces, and _he_ is gone already.

 

Throngs of young children begin milingl into the room, between the ages of four to eleven. Chatter and laughter fill the air, punctuated by the bright greetings that they throw his way.

 

He never greets them back. Not once, not twice. Never. Yet they are determined, so they keep doing it even if their young teacher never pays any mind to them until the class officially starts.

 

“Jongin oppa! What are we learning today?” An eight-year old girl with braids, Seulgi, asks with chipper enthusiasm.

 

Even though she’s been attending his classes for months now, her name still doesn’t register in Jongin’s head. For over seven years, nothing has made sense for him. Nothing. He only nods in reply and walks to the corner of the class, starting the music and demonstrating the first few steps for the class.

  
  


_~I search for a victim_

_Victim of who made this life of mine_

_So cruel_

_But I found no one_

_But me_

 

_22 December 2021~_

  
  


"Jongin! Hey!" Chanyeol’s voice calls out from somewhere within a crowd.

 

Jongin spots him easily. The man’s head easily sticks above the rest, and Jongin watches him pull away from the crowd, dragging someone with him. It’s Baekhyun, and Jongin glances at their intertwined hands before he’s engulfed by a bone-crushing and awkward hug.

 

Chanyeol finally lets go of him to ask, “Where have you been, man? I couldn’t contact you at all!”

 

He avoids meeting their eyes, but admits,  "I threw away my phone."

 

If Chanyeol wants to ask why, he doesn’t show it. He doesn’t ask either, but Jongin can guess that he probably already knows. _A phone is useless_ , may be his answers for what Chanyeol can guess. It isn’t because he feels out of place in a millenial world, no, it's just… there’s no one left for him to care about.

 

Or to care for him.

 

"Oh, you should have told me,” Chanyeol replies and faked a grin as though he’s not fazed by the answer. "Where are you going, anyway? Lunch? Oh! We could have lunch together! Come on, let’s go!" He takes Jongin’s hand and leads them to a Chinese restaurant up ahead, Baekhyun trailing them from behind.

 

They cram into a booth and let the waitress take their order, but once she leaves the table is blanketed by silence.

 

Jongin’s never minded silence.

 

Chanyeol and Baekhyun, on the other hand.

  
  


~

  
  


One look. One look is all it takes between them and Baekhyun’s facade breaks. Jongin watches his eyes turn glassy, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

 

Baekhyun himself seems surprised by it. He sits, stunned for a moment, before he moves to wipe it. “I-I’m sorry… I just– I’m sorry,” he says, hastily excusing himself and disappearing into the bathroom.

 

The abrupt exit doesn’t surprise Jongin. They haven’t seen each other in a while. Both of them have avoided crossing each other’s paths, because the reminder hurts. Jongin learned not to care, and Baekhyun couldn’t understand.

 

What surprises Jongin is that Chanyeol didn’t immediately drop his menu and run after his spouse. He can’t help but raise an eyebrow at him.

 

Chanyeol turns away from the bathroom and seems to notice the look, because he smiles to himself and casts his gaze out the window. “Did you ever hear how they met each other?” he asks instead.

 

When Jongin doesn’t answer, Chanyeol carries on, “Kyungsoo and Baekhyun met when they were kids in the foster care program. Kyungsoo must’ve told you why Baekhyun is so wary towards everyone, especially you, but it was because of his parents. They were alcoholics and smoked a lot, so those smells remind him of them.

 

“I wish I had been there, you know? I wish I could’ve protected him, but I wasn’t. Kyungsoo was, though. I used to be so jealous of him, because he was the only person Baek liked being around and was all he talked about.” A tear almost escapes his eyes but Chanyeol is fast to dab it away. Jongin has never seen him this way—vulnerable, insecurities, _guilty_.

 

"I could never imagine it, not then, not now,” Chanyeol continues. “I’ve seen Baek’s body covered with scars all over, but you know what he said to me when I asked him if he was okay? ‘ _He endures a lot more than this_ .’ I always asked him back, _‘Who are you talking about?’_ but Baek never answered me.

 

“One day, I finally got what he’d been saying. I saw it with my own eyes when Baek had another breakdown at his mother’s birthday, after she was already gone. I didn’t know what to do, so I stood outside his door like an idiot until Kyungsoo rushed over from his house just to hug Baek.

 

“Anyway, he forgot his sweater that he always wore, and that’s when I saw all the scars on his wrists and arms. That’s when I finally realized that Kyungsoo was anything but someone to be jealous over. He was always there to help Baek when I just stood there, doing nothing.

 

“And I think Baek feels just as guilty that he’s gone when he was just there, doing nothing. And so am I.”

  
  


~

  
  


"What’s your dream, Kyungsoo?" A sob. The question pulled Chanyeol’s attention, and he listened silently to his friends’ talks on the bed beside him.

 

"Eh? Me?" Chanyeol thinks that Baekhyun might’ve given him a nod. "I want… to inspire people, maybe. To be useful for everyone."

 

"How?"

 

"I don't know yet. It would be difficult and take some time to find a way, but I’ll find it eventually."

 

"For what?"

 

A pause.

 

"So people like you, like us, have dreams they can fight for. So they don’t get lost along the way." The explanation ended with a cry from Baekhyun, followed by sniffles from Kyungsoo.

 

Chanyeol just lied on the other side of the king size bed, back facing them while he remains curled up, pretending like he was still asleep when, in truth, he’s been awake for hours from Baekhyun’s sobs earlier.

 

Still, even after years as their friend, Chanyeol can’t keep up with everything. With their sorrow, their tears ...their dreams.

 

Maybe it’s because he’s never had someone he’s loved leave right before his eyes. As it is, all of his hopes will be carried through. He never has to feel this, experience this. He’ll never get it.

 

To be really in the place where you couldn’t stand there anymore. As you give up trying, and just let everything happen with eyes wide open and your heart bleeding out.

  
  


~

  
  


"Until now, Jongin… I still ask myself the same question Baekhyun asked the last day we saw him. _Why him and not me instead_? He had dreams for everybody else when all my life I only thought about myself, thinking of how to be successful so I could have more money to buy nice cars and things.

 

"At Kyungsoo’s birthday two years later, Baekhyun only smiled once, and he told me that they used to cry when it was their birthday because they were so happy to have made it through to that point, because they’d been through so much. So maybe God thought he’d already suffered enough.

 

“And I think he was right. He was always doing things for other people and if he was suffering that much, then he deserved to be freed,” Chanyeol says, ending it with a soft smile.

 

The waitress returns and slides three bowls of noodles in front of them, but Chanyeol asks her to package the two of them up for takeout and, despite a confused glance, she nods and does just that.

 

He stands and clasps Jongin by the shoulder. “I’ve said everything I’ve needed to say, so I’m going to check up on Baekhyun and then take him home. I’ll cover this though, so enjoy." Chanyeol stops in his track, turning with disappointment and bitterness in his face. "And I’m sorry for taking your time, it seems like we are disturbing you so much.” And then he leaves.

 

He disappears from Jongin’s eyes. Like Baekhyun, like Kyungsoo.

 

Jongin had no idea… is this what Kyungsoo had gone through? Is this what Kyungsoo had felt when he ignored him? To be left when he actually needs someone, no ears to listen, no mouths to comfort, no hand to hold, no heart to help. It's been seven years long, why do Jongin need to feel it just

now?

  
  


_~We are tearing each other_

_Without both realizing it._

 

_7 December 2021~_

  
  


Looking to the sky when you’re in the sky is kind of ironic, yet Kyungsoo loves it. He feels like he could fly, soaring with his wings playing with the wind. Misery and tears of sadness crumble below him, and hope keeps him soaring across the skies.

 

His feet are swinging back and forth, touching the clouds as they swirl behind him. The night fades and orange shines above the horizon. Below him, light by light starts to turn off as humans begin to wake up and prepare for the day.

The city starts to sound busier.

 

_"I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow–”_

 

"Kyungs–"

 

_“A wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind–”_

 

"–soo!"

 _  
_ _“Still You hear me when I'm calling. Lord, You catch me when I'm fal–"_ Kyungsoo jerks forward when a hand lands on his shoulder, slamming close the opened little notebook together that he has in his lap before. Behind him, a man is grinning brightly as he listens to Kyungsoo’s singing.

 

"You really like that song," he states and Kyungsoo nods. He’s not wrong. "May I know why?"

 

Kyungsoo smiles to himself. Yixing takes a seat beside him at the end of the cloud, his bottom of his wings also touches the soft cloud, piercing through it but the cloud seems to welcome him. “I feel loved… as if I’m not worth it, but God gave me that love nonetheless. Agape.” He heard the song during one of his adventures on earth, sang by an old woman in a black dress, hair blowing in the wind while she cried on the two graves in front of her.

 

She sang as though her life depended on it. Her cries and sniffles were loud as she clutched a bundle of white roses. Kyungsoo was right there, holding a letter with her wish written on it.

 

He could never forget that moment, right there, right then.

 

“We are like flowers. We bloom and we die, yet He always takes care of us. Isn’t it a beautiful miracle? He takes care of His creations, especially humans.

 

“We are like the wave that got tossed this way as the wind leads us nowhere, just like in this world when it tests us, yet He is there holding our hand without us realizing it.

 

“We are like the vapor, appearing in the morning when we turn into dew on some leaves, but we’ll be gone when the sun strikes us and evaporate into the ether, yet He is there, hearing our cry. Hearing our prayer.

 

I feel loved for who I am, despite for _who am I_.”

 

“Said the most poetic angel in the continent. And, as always, how very poetic.”

 

Kyungsoo smiles, he touches the soft cloud beneath them, swirling it with his index finger. “So, what are you doing here, Yixing?”

 

“I’m escorting Minseok and Luhan, but Yunho asked for my help to call you. He said you must be here flying where the sun starts to touch the earth, and here you are.”

 

He laughs at Yixing’s choice of words, as though he tried to play a joke on him using his style of talking. “Tell me, my dear angel, is that the only reason?” he asks, deciding to play along.

 

“Well, not really. I was flying over China like always, of course, but then a wish arrived on my desk and I couldn’t decide if I could grant it or not. I asked Luhan what I should do and we tracked the person back here. He’s Korean and under your territory, so we are here because we also need to finalize things for Minseok.

 

“I mean, if you’re human, you’d laugh if you knew that heaven has territories and one of the angels is having an issue since he’s Korean but died in China and fell in love in China’s heaven? Sure you would. Even I’m not human and I’m still laughing about it.” Yixing snickers, hand coming up to hide his smile.

 

“Luhan would kick you out of heaven if he knew you were laughing over his love life.” Kyungsoo sniggered, not believing that the older just laughs after their friends.

 

“He knows. It’s not really me making fun of them, it’s just… love has its own special way, and theirs is… special, heartwarming.” A smile ghosts over Yixing’s face as he observes the sunrise. “And funny too, if you count the obstacles Minseok needs to pass before he can immigrate to China’s sky and work in peace.”

 

A sweet smile follows Yixing’s, ghosting over Kyungsoo’s face too. “They have it hard, more than anyone else. They deserve to be happy.”

 

An expression passes over Yixing’s face. It looks a bit disbelieving, a little pitying. Kyungsoo doesn’t catch it. “There are _two_ of them,” Yixing says, “I think that’s how they made it through all of those trials. Not like most of us.”

 

“Isn’t it harder when there are two of you?”

 

“It’s not like that, Kyungsoo. When there’s more than one person enduring the world together, hand in hand, they have each other’s back. Their temptation may be doubled, but they share it and they aren’t alone. When _you_ are alone, you can’t share that with anyone. You bear the temptation by yourself without having anyone to reach for your hands when you drown. _You_ are alone.

 

“No trial is harder or easier, He gave it according to our strength. Luhan was depressed when he got his memories back, and Minseok was depressed for years since Luhan’s departure. Now they found their way back to each other and they proved to the world that they could bear what He gave them, because He will never give anything out of our range of strength.

 

“But for _us_ , we handle it with our own hands. It isn’t harder, but it is in its own way. Each of us deserves it—happiness. That’s why He gave us a second chance and miracles.

 

“Even in your eyes they deserve it more than anyone else. That’s not what God sees. _You_ also deserve what God has prepared for you. Let God lead your way, and you will find the river that has water worth your thirst.”

 

Kyungsoo frowns but listens to Yixing’s words. Maybe he’ll consider it another time and try to make sense of them.

 

“Now come, Kyungsoo, Yunho and the other have been waiting for you.”

 

Kyungsoo nods and stands, clearing the imaginary dust from his robes.

 

Once again, an expression passes over Yixing’s face when Kyungsoo isn’t looking. It’s the same one when Yixing stares at Kyungsoo’s wrists, bearing scars that have never faded from the man’s skin, not even in the seven years he’s been in heaven. And it pains Yixing that Kyungsoo will never notice it, never notice his own life filled with struggle.

 

Because if Yixing had to choose the angel who suffered the most out of all the heavens, he’d choose Kyungsoo.

  
  


~

  
  


As they head to where Yunho is, a bunch of letters appears at Kyungsoo side. He had deactivated his notifications earlier, setting it to turn back on once he’s done admiring the beauty of the world. He drops nearly all the papers in his hand. Good thing they all defy gravity so they float where he let go of them, suspended in air.

 

“Kyungsoo? What is it?” Yixing holds Kyungsoo by the shoulder, noticing the way blood drains from the other’s face, the way his hands shake uncontrollably. Then Yixing sees the paper, words written in the color of deep crimson red.

 

All Yixing can think is, _“It’s time…”_

  
  


_"Please come back to life, Do Kyungsoo." -Kim Jongin_

  
  


~

  
  


The second time he got his score since he met Kyungsoo, he didn't hesitate to go to the latter’s house. If he goes back home, his parents will just punish him for not getting the first rank. He was too tired for that matter.

 

It was not very often that he goes to Kyungsoo’s house, they often hang out at Jongin’s room or outside because when they are at Kyungsoo’s, they are afraid to disturb the old kind couple that was enjoying their moment in comfortable silence. He could reach Kyungsoo’s house with the help of google map, using the address Kyungsoo once send him through their chat.

 

The sun is kissing the horizon and the moon is getting ready to start its day. He arrived in front of two story house whom still have traditional air surrounding it. The bonsais around the path are shining as the sun light still gave them the opportunity.

 

The wind blows softly and it felt so fresh with all thing free from tension, fear, anxiousness and everything that is weighing human’s shoulder. Jongin felt at peace.

 

Two knocks on the old wooden door, the door is opened by an old woman, dressed in casual clothes. At the end of her eyes are wrinkles as she smiled, her hair has turned half white, but her smile still shone so brightly.

 

"Good afternoon, Jongin." She greeted him.

 

"Good afternoon, auntie." It still feels weird on his tongue, calling someone who isn't blood related to him this casually.

 

"Kyungsoo is upstairs. I will bring some snack for you guys, hm?" Jongin nodded happily, taking off his shoes and strolling to the second floor to Kyungsoo’s room.

 

When he opened the door, Kyungsoo’s back was facing him as he sat in in front of his studying table and was reading a book.

 

He laid on his bedroom and gave Kyungsoo’s waiting hand with the book of score. He knows Kyungsoo knows that he was upset about the score without even looking him yet.

 

Kyungsoo took the book but never opened it, he just put it beside the opened book he was reading. Move his eyes to lock with Jongin’s and he smiles softly.

 

"Numbers would not decide on who you are and what you will become in the future."

 

And that sentence alone made Jongin believes that Kyungsoo believe in him and not will-ever- gonna judge him at all when the whole world is.

  
  


~

  
  


He comes back to the same old two story house. The style may look so original to old times and the fresh air is still there as always. But something is missing, for years Jongin noted.

 

When he entered the house, he saw a pair of another size shoes in the doorway, yet no one greets him.

 

He makes his way into _his home._ Once he is in the way to the kitchen, wanting to give what his thirsty self want, he saw a man with black suit already sitting at the dining table, frown in his face and his hands are fiddling with the empty glass above the table.

 

He still walks to get some ice cubes from the freezer and a glass to contain it. After adding little bit of cool water to help the ice to melt, he settles himself at the dining table, right in front of the man.

 

"Hyung." He greets him and the man nod.

 

"Straight from work?" The man nod again.

 

And that's all Jongin expect from the man. Nothing more, nothing less, and he is already done trying to communicating with anyone. Two sentences are already enough to show, that he cares.

 

The waters from the glass are already out of it and all its left is some hard headed ice cube who didn't want to melt. He stood up and make his way to the sink, putting the glass into it as he makes his way to the refrigerator again.

 

If the man gonna stay for a while, Jongin thinks he should make some dinner for both of them too. As he searches for some ingredients, the man frowns deeper and deeper.

 

"Your mom called." Jongin stops in his track. For some seconds, he just there but then he got himself again, now closing the refrigerator, all intention is erased.

 

He walks, heading upstair to his room when the man also stood up and slamming the table with his palms. "You shouldn't do this any longer, Jongin."

 

Jongin halts in his track, clenching his hands. "Do _what_ , hyung?"

 

"Running away."

 

"I'm not."

 

"You should go home."

 

" _I’m_ home."

 

"Jongin... this isn't your home"

 

Jongin turns around and finds Jungsuk having so much pain in his face as he looks at Jongin’s face. "Do they pay you to confront me, hyung? I will never go back to _that_ house."

 

"Then say Jongin. To whom you come home to? To my brother’s spirit?! Don't kidding me kid, you can't keep this up. You need to go home, your parents are worried about you!"

 

"Worried? worried?! They are late for years, hyung! Where are they when I almost died years ago?! Behind those damn table of money! Do you even know what their first sentence they throw to me after they finally come to visit the hospital?! _‘Don’t worry, the wedding will still take place this January and the company is yours after that’._ I DON'T NEED THAT. DAMN. THINGS! I almost lost my life and all they care about aren't me or Kyungsoo! And now they are worried? Bullshit, they are just in need for heirs after those betrayal. I will never go back." And he runs, like all he has been doing. He runs to his room and locks it, not caring for anything at all.

  
  


_~They said it was just a phase. He said it._

_They didn't do anything. He didn't do anything._

_Until I turned into nothing_

 

_2021~_

  
  


Jungsuk falls his body to the sofa, groaning out loud. It's not like that. The Kims did not pay him at all. It’s out of pity that he agreed to give his number to Mrs. Kim. It’s out of pity towards them and maybe, to himself.

 

He remembers his eighteen years old self, hearing cry of plea from the house beside theirs. He did nothing. Until finally after year, police come and all was revealed. The woman next house was killed unintentionally by his drunk husband. Their child was there and couldn't help at all.

 

That night his parents asked him at the dining table if he was okay if they take the child to their home, become part of their little family. Jungsuk doesn't really care, he nodded. The kid should arrive months after, because Jungsuk’s parents need to take care of the paper. But the kid never comes in that year, he comes five years after.

 

To Jungsuk, the kid who has eight years apart from his age was independent and didn't hold to them too tight, he lived and doesn't seem depressed at all like any kid who maybe will be so introvert or awkward to their new family and everything.

 

When Jungsuk finally graduated from his university and got himself a job in the center area of Seoul, he got out from that house in search for his own successful life, leaving his parents to his little brother. He may said that sometimes, he depended his life to Kyungsoo too much just so he can reach new things he wants to reach.

 

Things got busy and he has no time in going back to home, his parents have called him thousands time to come back, maybe having dinner and little chat like old time, but he never gave those in exchange for his work. His work comes first. Must come first. He needs to be success.

 

When he was twenty-six, two years after moving away, everything just goes down hill that he didn't know what to do. The night he got scolded by his boss, he drunk himself in a bar. Calling random people on his phone just because.

 

Kyungsoo was the one he called randomly, and when he heard his brother drunk voice, he right away goes all the way to asked his brother position and fetched him. _"You know, hyung? More than spending three hours drunk and could do nothing, what about you come home and spent those three hours with us? Auntie and uncle have missed you so much"_ Jungsuk remembers that sentence. One sentences he remembers when he was still drunk, drowning in his failure, his little brother was behind him and patting his back because he was throwing up on a sidewalk. He remembers how Kyungsoo got a hard time bringing him home because he was still a little eighteen years old boy with little body.

 

He still didn't come back home even after that night.

 

Step by step, Jungsuk finally found himself in more than enough paid job, got promoted in his work place, got a beautiful and kind girlfriend, when the news of his little brother died in a car accident come to him.

 

When he goes home that day, he asked himself, where has he been that when he finally comes back, he sees his little brother, who has grown up so fast without him by his little brother side, already laid in the white bed without any soul inside him.

 

Yet it's not enough experience for him to come home and stay, accompanying his parents in their old ages. One year after, his father followed his little brother, yet he still didn't come and stay. Year after, his mother followed and just then that he realized he was all alone. Money, job and fame and everything that he has reached with sacrificing his family didn't matter anymore when he, was all alone.

 

"Oh Kyungsoo… just if you are still here." He whispers to no one as tears roll from his eyes. He got out from that house, hoping Jongin wouldn't do things that he will regret, like how he regret everything when it was all too late.

  
  


_~I choose the darkness over you._

 

_Because if I choose you,_

_the darkness will chase us together._

 

_But if I choose the darkness_

_it will be on guard to keep me inside,_

 

_Leaving you alone._

_As I sacrifice myself._

 

_2021~_

  
  


Kyungsoo examines the little slip of paper again. The outcome is still the same as before. It’s empty.

 

This is the first time he’s gotten a blank letter.

 

How could someone not have a true wish? A wish comes from a dream someone wants to become reality. Everybody hopes for something or at least dreams… how could it come to the point the this boy didn't have a wish?

 

Yixing is right, it's odd. He takes another step nearing the park where a man is seated on a bench, black clothes hiding his small frame and a scarf is draped around his neck. Flakes of snows land on head, shoulders and the scarf, but the man makes no move to brush them off.

 

Black mirrors the feelings of the person bemoaning someone who’s already gone. Some use it to express themselves, their gratitude for the person’s life, to thank them and show them that they still miss him, they still cry for them, they still care.

 

And when someone uses it too long… it hurts, because they can’t seem to get out of that world of misery. It's a symbol of deep grief.

 

Kyungsoo stops in front of the man, staring into the other’s downturned hollow eyes.

 

 _What have you seen with those eyes?_ Kyungsoo wants to ask him, but refrains from doing so. He doesn’t want to disturb the man at all. And just in time, the man lowers his gaze from the sky to Kyungsoo’s eyes, locking eye contact gaze with him.

 

He stares for so long that Kyungsoo thinks the man might see him. People just need to take a minute and really focus to see him standing near them, but not everyone can do that. They’re usually too busy dwelling focused on the mortal realm that they never really take the time to see what’s right beside them.

 

Minutes pass and the man’s lips tremble slightly and his eyes turn glassy, eyebrows knitted together, and he seems to carry so much weight on his shoulders that Kyungsoo wants to step closer and hug him.

 

He doesn’t though, because the man is faster. He stands and grasps Kyungsoo’s sleeves desperately, pulling him into a hug that Kyungsoo never imagined he’d receive.

 

“It's time… isn't it?” He lets out a silent cry. “It's time… t-tell me… tell me I should stop hoping that you’ll come back… tell me! Tell me! K-Kyungsoo,” he cries again, his body weighed down as the gravity keeps him low, reaching for him as he isn't strong enough to stand tall on his shaking legs anymore. “-tell me… so I’ll stop… so I’ll stop hoping, I’ll stop it… come, come… tell me to s-stop, I need… need to hear it from you.”

 

Kyungsoo holds the man still and doesn’t dare to let him go so he doesn’t collapse to the ground.

 

"Kyungsoo," the man breathes out between his cries, and the voice of his name called sends a shiver right into Kyungsoo’s spine. He doesn’t know why it has that effect on him. "I need it,” the man continues, “I need to hear it coming from your mouth… with you looking at me like old times." And the man lifts his face, staring again into Kyungsoo.

 

It's so sad for Kyungsoo that, for a moment, a ray of happiness shines on the man’s face but it’s washed away as if it's only a dream that he just woke from. Now the happiness is gone and no trace of it is left. The sorrow is back in full force and Kyungsoo can't help but to raise his hand and thumb the man’s eye, wiping the tears that have gathered.

 

More tears stream from the man’s eyes, and he closes them and hugs Kyungsoo tightly while he continues to cry his heart.

 

"Are you real?" he asks after so long, still sniffling.

 

After some thought, Kyungsoo answers, patting the man’s back. "I am." And the man in black cries once again.

  
  


~

  
  


The winter has come and Chanyeol thinks, its that time of the year again, when the scars would be calling them again, when the memories played by its own and when their heart would shatter to pieces all over again.

 

The snow fall is reflecting their tears, dry tears because it's been so long. They used to walk together, three of them, maybe four at sometimes, but three again in the end. But now, it feels like everything is missing, not only one person, but the whole world.

 

People keep saying that they will get over it, they will find someone to replace _him_ , but, will they? Because it's been seven years long. And no one, no one has ever come for them.

 

It is so cold, even when the sun could be seen, but it did not help them that much. They walk hand in hand, Chanyeol could feel how freezing his spouse’s cold hand. He has offered Baekhyun to just go out using their car, but Baekhyun said no. _“It would feel different.”_ He said.

 

Chanyeol remembers it clearly, the memories in winter when the three of them would walk so slowly with thick coat hand in hand in hand. With Baekhyun in the middle, Chanyeol in the nearest to the road and _him_ at the other side of Baekhyun. They will always put Baekhyun in the middle with them guiding him, protecting him.

 

Much more than not, when Baekhyun feels uncomfortable, he will hide behind him even when Baekhyun was also holding Chanyeol’s hand. Now, he could not do it and it just felt so wrong that there is no one in the left side of Baekhyun, holding his hand, giving him a little squeeze every time some group walks nearing them, it just felt  so wrong. It felt so wrong that Chanyeol didn't have anyone anymore to protect Baekhyun. It felt _all_ so wrong.

 

It keeps freezing and as the sun start to set and it’s till quite far from their apartment, Chanyeol think its a good idea to grab a cup of coffee first. "Baek, do you want a coffee?" He asks, as he remembers that there is a little coffee shop right at the corner where they will take another turn.

 

Baekhyun just nods, his eyes seem to hold nothing but tears and his mind are blank for a thing.

 

"Alright." Once they arrived in front of the shop, Chanyeol saw how crowded the place is, no wonder tho, the coffees in there is classified as one of the best coffee shops in this part of the town.

 

"Do you want to wait at the park?" He asks, deciding that it is the best choice to avoid having lots of people near Baekhyun when the latter is currently in his despair condition. Without waiting for Baekhyun’s approval-actually he has wait for a minute, but it seems like Baekhyun did not pay any attention to him- he brings him to the park, making him sit at one of the benches.

 

"I will be right back. Don't go anywhere, please, Baekhyun" this time, maybe it is because the plead in Chanyeol voice that makes Baekhyun focused. He nods. Chanyeol took off his scarf and carefully put it in Baekhyun, making sure that he will be warm enough until he comes back and could hold Baekhyun’s hand once again.

 

So Chanyeol ran. Very carefully not to slip in the icy road. Making his way to the line of waiting customers. Going through the menu that has been placed above the cashier area, Chanyeol is brought once again to the past. When all he needs to do was point what he wants to have and just gonna go to sit and wait. Kyungsoo will be the one waiting in line and brought what they have asked to their table. His sour legs that have frozen during their walk will have more time to rest

 

He thinks he was selfish, Kyungsoo’s feet must be weary too but the smallest still volunteered to make the order for them.

 

A hand land on his shoulder, Chanyeol is waking from his nostalgia. Turning his head behind, he finds a woman who pointed to the place in front of him. When he turns again, he found out that it is his turn already.

 

He ordered two americanos and two cups are brought to him five minutes later.

 

With jumping in his steps, he runs to the park where he left Baekhyun, wanting to make sure that the smaller still stay there and alright. Chanyeol didn't want to find Baekhyun crying anymore when he turned his eyes just for some minutes. He never wants it.

 

But he is in shock when he found Baekhyun in the park, standing, crying, and clinging to someone in white clothes. His brain spin hundreds degrees on what has happened. Did someone try to hurt Baekhyun? Did anything happen? Is Baekhyun okay?

 

One of the cups falls to the ground covered by ice when Chanyeol want to make sure his right hand is ready to punch whoever this person who brave enough to touch Baekhyun, moreover, making him cry.

 

But just a step ahead, the other cup fall from his left hand once the person in white glance to his direction. Half face hidden by Baekhyun’s arm that were clinging to their neck, but the owl wide eyes of the stranger, just cut his breath away.

 

_No way..._

 

All Chanyeol want to do at that minute, that second, is to yank Baekhyun from that stranger. Because he knows, it's dangerous for both him and Baekhyun to hold, hug or touch a stranger out of nowhere that they didn't know.

 

His feet brought him close to them, the wide eyes now really are n front of him, the height of the person, the soft lock of black hair, the thick eyebrow, the fading scars, everything is so real.

 

He should have just take Baekhyun’s hand and take him from the so called stranger in his mind. But his heart said otherwise.

 

His hands are in the air, midway to hold Baekhyun’s hand, but not slipped and ended up locking both of the smaller. His own cry harmonizes with Baekhyun’s. His head falls to their locks, and he just could not think anything else that this person is not a stranger, that what they do now is nothing dangerous, because they know this person, they know he will never hurt him.

  
  


~

  
  


“I’m pretty surprised to know that both of you know my name.” Kyungsoo chuckles lowly as he ends it with a soft smile. Now all of them sit on the park bench. Winter cold be damned.

 

“Doesn't you-”

 

“We have friends.” Baekhyun cuts Chanyeol lines. “He looks so much like you, and it's just a coincidence that you two shared the same names.” Chanyeol gives him a confused look, but Baekhyun’s red eyes let it pass him.

 

“Oh, what a coincidence.” As weird as it is, Kyungsoo still smiles and accepted what Baekhyun said.

 

“Yes. Say Kyungsoo-ssi?”

 

“You can just call me Kyungsoo.”

 

“Kyungsoo, do you live in this area?” Baekhyun asks in somehow hopeful tone. Did Kyungsoo hear it right?

 

 _“You are an agent in a holiday, if anyone asks where do you live, say you live overseas and has been given a trip by your kind boss.”_ Yunho once said with wiggling eyebrow before Kyungsoo laughed. He spreaded his wings wide, pure white feathers soar and took his leave, fall from the sky to where he can land.

 

“No, I'm just here for holiday, my kind boss-he said to add ‘kind’ to his specifications- gave a trip for my hard work, so here I am.”

 

“May I know whats your work?”

 

“I’m just a regular agent at some private company.”

 

Baekhyun nods. They fall into this silence where the snow starts to fall again but no one really paid any attention except Kyungsoo. “I’m sorry, but I haven't caught your names?” Kyungsoo said and his wide eyes just make it sadder for Baekhyun and Chanyeol even Kyungsoo looks neutral.

 

“I’m Baekhyun, Byun Baekhyun. Have you ever hear that name?” In hopefulness Baekhyun still dream. Since the time he saw Kyungsoo and leaped to hug his life, Kyungsoo has never once acted like he knows him, just as if he really don’t know Baekhyun. But that's not true, isn't it? They are best friends…

 

Kyungsoo looks like he is thinking so hard before he shakes his head. “I suppose not? Have we ever met before, Baekhyun?”

 

Breathing out a deep sigh, Baekhyun shakes his head, tears almost fall from his eyes before he ducks his head down.

 

“I’m Park Chanyeol, Baekhyun’s spouse.” Chanyeol said as he reaches Baekhyun’s hand and squeezes it.

 

“It's really nice to meet you two, I’m Do Kyungsoo but I suppose you already know it?” Smile still on his face. It looks like a permanent one, but this… _looks genuine, no hidden pressure behind_ , Baekhyun whisper to his heart.

 

“So Kyungsoo, where are you staying at for this holiday?” Chanyeol took the initiative to talk again because he knows for now Baekhyun need his space to heal a moment.

 

"Undecided. I still need to look aroun-"

 

"Come live with us!" Baekhyun shouts. Earning a soft unbelievable _what_ from Chanyeol and a questioning mark from Kyungsoo. His face that's already pale from the winter seems to lose all its blood, with hands going here and there to help him explain, he said what he thinks, "I mean it's umm… eleven days from Christmas and it's hard to search for a hotel since everything already been booked by foreigner and I think we could spend more time together. If it’s not strange for you to know us, of course, after all we just met now and it's not pretty convic-"

 

Kyungsoo chuckles softly, amused by Baekhyun’s reasoning. It's really not like he needs hotel, he could just contact Yunho and ask if there is any place he could borrow-which will bother Yunho’s work- or he will just go back and forth between skies and earth-which is tiring- but yeah,

 

"If it's okay with you, I would love to." He looks down to two pieces of papers, one Baekhyun’s empty paper and the other is Chanyeol’s that just appeared once the taller come. He needs to solve Baekhyun’s empty paper for the sake of Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s paper anyway, so no hurt on staying.

  
  


_"   " -Byun Baekhyun_

 

_"Give Baek happiness he deserves" -Park Chanyeol_

  
  


~

  
  


The front door got banged harshly, waking Jongin from his slumber. Honestly, who will come to this house, banging the front door and shouting his name when he is so sure he has never made one big problem to make someone come to him this way.

 

 _My parents, maybe._ Because as much as he knows his parents have become softer-just because they need something from him- he still remembers the harsh treatment he got when moving out from the house.

 

There was one time in earlier days of his moving out that there was two men with big build banging the front door, trying to take him away with force. Uncle Jo opened the door and not so ceremoniously tried to shoo them away, only to get punched in his face.

 

Jongin was furious, he has never hated his parents that bad at one point except the time after the incident. No one who comes with force worth his time, he includes from then on.

 

“Jongin! Open the door!” Oh. The voice did remind him of old times. He could imagine the tall fine lady in her stylish boots, short hair and piercing cold beauty standing right there, slamming her hand on his front door.

 

After some time, Jongin wakes up from his bed, turning the lamp on and just now that he realizes, the night is almost here. Taking random t-shirt from the pile of not so freshly washed clothes, he wears it and makes his way downstair. To the kitchen first, taking a sip of warm water from the dispenser to help his hoarse throat. The banging and his name being called still resounding, and it worsens because he already in the first floor, nearer the front door more than when he was still tucked in his bed. “What do you want?” he asks once he is one step before the door.

 

The other person seems to hear his voice even when the door is in the way, she stops the banging. “Come on, open the door, the weather is freezing, are you that heartless to let a woman freezing outside?”

 

“I don’t care,” he said automatically as fast as the question has been offered to him.

 

A beat of silence, maybe the woman is thinking. “Jongin.”

 

“You are here because of my parents huh?” accusing her should not be on the list to make her go away, but Jongin is too tired. Why do people like to come to him when he already makes clear that he didn't want any ‘human communication’ right now? Is it that hard to just leave him alone?

 

She sighs. “No, why would I? You know that my own family already disowned me.”

 

“You can't stay in there forever, Jongin. This world is not just your house and your work.” She sighs again. A thud in the door, she has lean her head in looking down. “Listen, I know its hard and I will not say I understand, because im not. It's up to you to believe me or not, but Jongin, come on, if he is here, he will be sad to know you abandoned your life after he was gone.

 

“I am guilty, it's not just you who is feeling this. If I could just spoke up and told my own parents that I don't need a damn arranged married because I already have someone I loved, maybe he didn't need to be gone, he was so kind even when I said words to him and do things just so he could be away from you and I could have you for myself, yet I do nothing. Have you ever think about how i feel?

 

“That night, when he ran from the party, I saw him, because Amber almost run after him. I thought I must could do something, to let you two together because I saw how lonely he was at there, but I didnt. I was egoist, I take all your time just to make my parents happy. Amber told me that she heard from Chanyeol about Kyungsoo moving out because he couldn't take it anymore, I know about him moving out, yet I didn't tell you or do anything to stop him. And I know it's wrong of me. I still do nothing. I don't know what happened at that night, I just receive the news about his departure and you know what i thought at that time?" The woman, Krystal, laughs bitterly. In her voice Jongin hears the sound of pure guiltiness.

 

“ _Arent he secretly telling me to act before it's too late?_ As cruel as it is, I thought that I could lose someone I love just like you lose him before I could say anything. He woke me up. I tell my parents about Amber even before I tell it to her, get kicked out of the house because of that and everything that I have built from the star vanished along with my last name.

 

“But I’m happy, I’m happy to love her, and grateful for having a lesson from him even if its come in a hard way. Jongin, so many people love you out here, I care for you, Baekhyun and Chanyeol also have a hard time, Amber is always checking on you regularly, Sehun even subtly always make sure you have everything that you need. Don't be too late for the second time, Jongin. Don't make yourself regret this in the future.” her voice did sound sincere. Some steps sounded and then silence. She has gone. Now Jongin is back alone.

  
  


~

  
  


One step, he is already right face to face with the door. His breaths turn back once it touched with the door. He leans his forehead in the wooden. Tears start to fall to the floor. With both clenched hand, he whacks the door harshly.

 

 _‘Don't be too late for the second time’_ keep echoing in his head, as if his head is a blank space that the sound keeps resonating and bounce back in that empty space. In all honesty, Jongin sometimes ask himself what did he do to deserve all of this. But the answer always come back in no second.

 

When the world was hating him, Kyungsoo stood there, right beside him and promised. That he will always be there.

 

He falls to his knees, hand and head still in the door, sliding down with his body. _Why do you leave me?_ The sound of his cry is whispering in his heart, hoping to find the answer.

 

The answer always comes in a breath. _Were you even there, besides him?_

 

His dry eyes could only go wide and cry again. It's all too late, he has passed that second chance the minute Kyungsoo leave him.

  
  


_~“Where do I belong?” I asked the andromeda._

_“You belong here,” The darkness replied._

 

_2021~_

  
  


Just as Baekhyun open the door to their apartment by sliding the access card and opening the passcode, Chanyeol takes his hand, turning to Kyungsoo that stood behind them. “Could you… give us some minutes?” Chanyeol asks with half forced smile, if it can be count as one that's it.

 

Kyungsoo nods with a little smile, as he continues to admire the new complex of building. The surrounding and scenes he can look up to for so long, lots of things he can see from up above twenty three floors.

 

“Baekhyun, he didn't remember anything about us, not at all... I don't know Baek, I feel we s-”

 

“Then what, Chanyeol? Are you saying we should not acknowledge him as our best friends? You feel it right? he is _our_ Kyungsoo and no one else.”

 

“But Baek-”

 

“Chanyeol.” Tears start to prick from Baekhyun’s eyes, but he stares straight into Chanyeol’s eyes. “Maybe this is a miracle, maybe this is the second chance I have been asking God to give me. Maybe this is what it is. I don't care if he couldn't remember me, even if he has amnesia or something, I don't care! What if this is not just a second chance, but the _last_ one? What if we let it go? If so, then I don't care about anything else but to do what is right right now. What if I let him go now, I will never see him again?"

 

Tears start to form in Chanyeol’s eyes too, seeing Baekhyun tearing up always do things to him, but this time, it's quite different. “I was egoist. I know he was suffering but I do nothing. I'm scared of asking, I’m scared of helping, until I lost him. And I regret everything, Chanyeol. Everynight, everyday all I could think were ‘what if’, what if I asked him what's wrong? What if I was there to comfort him that night? What if I accompanied him into the airport? What if I was there all along, holding his hand like how he used to do to me? Will I lose him in the christmas eve? Will I lost him forever like now? Will I?

 

"Now he comes, he is here. I know he is Kyungsoo, I know, Chanyeol. I don’t care. Now he is here and what I want to do is to pour all my feelings for him, to do what i can't when he was already gone. Even if he can't remember anything, I will give him the best _new_ memories he could remember forever. Even if he can't talk, I will do everything in my might to tell him I love him. Even if he can not walk anymore, I will forever push his wheelchair. I will do anything. Just… just let me repay him… I owe him my life… Chanyeol, I…” Chanyeol envelops him in a hug, hiding Baekhyun’s teary face in his chest for him. Baekhyun pounds his chest weakly, like he wants Chanyeol to let him go and hear all his words because he believes he could finish the sentence, but no, he can't, he already choke in his own tears.

 

“I’m so sorry, Baek, i'm just worried about you…”

 

“No, Yeol, Its okay… just let me have this chance… believe in me-”

 

“I believe in you Baekhyun. I believe in you with all my heart. Let's take this second chance,” he pulls Baekhyun, now they are eyes to eyes, everything seems to stop to make way for their gaze, reflection between the other eyes are shining, “together.” he whispers. With both eyes having tears, they nodded in unison and hug each other again, sobs melodying.

  
  


~

  
  


"We actually have guest room but we have never used it anymore since years ago and now it's totally covered in dust" Kyungsoo nods with mouth formed in tiny ‘ _o’._ "The living room practically is our base, here," Baekhyun says as he arranged the long sofa into its double function to become a bed. It's quite big, the red sofa has a very comfortable foam and once Kyungsoo tried to sit there, he just felt his ass sinking in, but not too over, just perfectly comfortable.

 

"This is perfect." He smiles. Once the moon shines, they have settled themselves in the apartment, but not too long after, Chanyeol got a call from his workplace, asking for his immediate presence over something important. So its left Kyungsoo with Baekhyun.

 

Baekhyun has changed his black outdoor clothes into more homey clothes, still black it is. A black t-shirt and short gym pants(black too). His hair is now messier than before because Baekhyun keeps running his hand through his lock every time he feels it disturbing his vision. With his semi long bangs pushed up, his dark brown eyes shine brighter. What still catch Kyungsoo’s attention is it’s still hollow. Color may have come back, but not all of them, some still missing in Baekhyun’s eyes.

 

He looks to Kyungsoo with unreadable gaze, maybe confused on what to do now. Kyungsoo pats the spot next to him and in clue, Baekhyun move there and sit down.

 

Taking the room appearance, Kyungsoo saw how the apartment is quite spacious and the interior must have been matched with the theme of the place, which is classic modern. It lacks warmest. But he is not someone to complain, he has heard from Jongdae that now humans have their own favorite style and style don’t really mirror their heart, its pulled more into the aesthetic side.

 

The room with light milk tea colored wall and wooden like floor seems to be soulmate. The interior has the color between dark red or maroon, burnt sienna, and matte brown. TV with lots of machines shaped like boxes below it make Kyungsoo confused on what are they but he may have time to ask another time.

 

Something catches his attention. Racks. Full of books. "You like reading?" Kyungsoo asks, locking his gaze with Baekhyun who bite his bottom lips.

 

Baekhyun seems to take sometimes before he sighs and nods. "I'm an editor," he pauses, as if waiting for Kyungsoo to say something, but he did not. "Remember this best friends of mine that i mistook as you? He was a writer and we work together. He love to shove books at me when we are in the book store." He stands and walks to the books, motioning Kyungsoo to follow him.

 

"When we are in the book store, every aisle will be ventured, start from the nearest to the door. He will trail the bones of the book, reading the title, taking the book one by one, read the synopsis and start placing it in our basket. _‘Oh my friend said this is the best’, ‘the rating for this book is quite high-"_ two books then come to Kyungsoo’s hold. He stretches his palms and Baekhyun land it there. _"Best fiction book for the month,"_ another book added. _"The writer of this book is the one who writes this and that,"_ two other books add. _"This sounds interesting, Baek, let’s take this."_ Three books added to the pile and that's the finale.

 

Baekhyun turns to him and smiles weakly, eyes turn down casted. "It should have ended in his place, but he got no more room for another hundred of books, so we will buy it and those books got reconciled in here."

 

With the books reaching already in his mouth, Kyungsoo put the books on the table near him. The weigh now disappearing.

 

" _You_ like reading?" Baekhyun repeats his question and Kyungsoo smiles, meeting Baekhyun eyes. "I _love_ reading. My boss is generous that everytime they have times, they will go fetch some new books for me to read. My friends that come to visit from another country also brought lots of present for me, and the present has never changed, it’s always a newly published book from their country that has got some recognition."

 

In his room (if cloud wall with no roof counted as a room then yes, at his room) more often than not he will find one book or even stack of them placed neatly in his cloud table. Notes is a must item he finds inside. If its from Yunho and Changmin then it must be some long biography books about popular human century ago, if its from Jongdae it will be a children books with lots of simple and cute illustration, if it’s from Minseok then he will receive self grow books in Chinese, and if it's from Yixing he will get around ten books of poetry that come various languages. The other friends love to leave him some too, but nothing too specific like his close friends’ gift.

 

"Your friends, they sound kind..." Baekhyun says with restricted voice.

 

Kyungsoo smiles wider. "They are."

 

In attempt to change the topic, Baekhyun turns to the book again. "Would you like to read books? Maybe there are books that you haven't read." Kyungsoo agreed to it.

 

After asking Baekhyun best recommendation, he got three of somewhat worn books. The books look like a script, no copyright, summary or anything yet. It just consist the title at the cover and poets inside. The edges are crumpling and there are lines of what to be extra book folds. The papers are a bit yellowish at the sides and the black is not that pitch anymore. There are also some little notes in here and there with red and blue pens, Kyungsoo thinks that Baekhyun must have read this a lot and this book may be ones of the book Baekhyun edits.

 

"Script?" Kyungsoo asks.

Baekhyun nods, as he takes the other books that he gave before to the previous place it belongs. “My best friend's.” a little smile bloom, but washed away just as fast as it comes.

 

When Baekhyun is done placing the books, both of them sit back on the sofa, Baekhyun turning on the TV and Kyungsoo taking more close look at the books. The most yellowish one has a title written in italic way, place right at the center of the cover. _‘Dream. -2016’_.

 

Reading inside, Kyungsoo found that this book contains soft poets about dreaming when no one is believing. Innocent but realistic way of think is poured inside. Indeed a recommendation, Kyungsoo want to applaud Baekhyun for giving this. He falls for the book right away.

 

He keeps reading the book with TV sound in background, slowly putting his heart into words that he reads, he feels more light hearted, like there is this little blow of misery out from his life. A soft little snore that familiar to a puppy whimpers took him out from the book. Looking to his side, he found Baekhyun already curled beside him with peaceful face looking so vulnerable.

 

Glancing at the clock, he found out that it's still seven o’clock, they haven't eaten dinner (not that Kyungsoo need it, but Baekhyun in the other hand as a human must eat some), Chanyeol hasn't come back and the TV is not getting any attention from both of them. So he turns off the TV just like how Baekhyun turns it on, by clicking the red symbol in the remote. Once the TV is off, peacefulness blanket the air.

 

They are up at apartment, no sound of the busy road arrive there. Kyungsoo takes a little notebook he hides behind his white coat. It's a little leather notebook, colored in dark brown of oak tree. Opening the leather, he is welcomed by one pen, papers, and a white feather.

 

Oh, it must have slipped there when he flies. He ignores it and put his attention to the papers he has in his hands. It looks like a normal paper to him or to his friends, but truthfully, the paper could not be seen by human eyes. The top three papers are what really makes him turn his head upside down.

 

First, Baekhyun’s paper. Its still empty. How can he grant Baekhyun’s paper if its empty? Secondly, Chanyeol’s, which wish is to grant Baekhyun’s happiness, but how? His paper is empty and how will Kyungsoo know what will make Baekhyun happy if his paper is empty, he got no clue. And the last but not the least, the reason why he is here. Kim Jongin’s.

 

Putting back the papers, he opens the note into the still free from any ink part, writing diligently. After he is done writing, he closes the note and pocket it back to his white coat. He sighs softly, glancing at Baekhyun who still whimper softly but now have a hold of Kyungsoo’s coat. He runs his hand in his scalp. “Whatever you want, whatever it is, if you deserve it, will grant it. So prove to me that you deserve it.”

 

With the heater of the room heating them, Kyungsoo follows to lay down beside Baekhyun in the bed-sofa. He closes his eyes and sighs in content. Before he really drove to sleep, he feels that someone has reached his hand and hug it closely, clinging to it.

  
  


_~We dream for what is seems to be impossible_

_But dreaming, prove us that there is a way._

_Through dreaming we learn, to not lose hope._

 

_2016~_

  
  


He was unwanted. He was locked down in one tiny room located in the basement. No sunlight coming, no fresh air twirling. His father comes just to throw the tray of leftover food. As young as he was, no words have been taught to him, only by his brain that he start to get how language works and what they mean, but he already knows, he is unwanted.

 

His father always said what he assumes as animal names to him, never once smile grace over his feature when Baekhyun were there. One time, he overhears his parents talk in the late night.

 

_"But-"_

 

 _"No, you hear me bitch, if he is old enough to be sold then so be it, we could pay our loan that you cause us that way."_ His mother didn't replied back. _"This should be a lesson for you to not mess with other man, now look what we need to take care of, a garbage."_

 

Baekhyun was young, his father(who is not his real father) was an abuser who always comes with ricks of strong smell of cigarettes and alcohol, his mother just stood at the basement door doing nothing. Even until he bleed half of his life, his mother just stood there. His father? Maybe seeing he die will be better.

 

Who is he? No, _what_ is he? _‘garbage'._ he knows his parents will just toss him away once they got what they want, there is no say in him living his life like a normal person.

 

Day by day, his father become harsher and harsher. Baekhyun started to tremble every time a step echo in that cold basement, every time a little smell of alcohol start to invade his nose, he becomes scared of human because of his father doing. He is scared that anyone could do that to him, because he is weak, he can't protect himself.

 

One day, he can't wake from the floor anymore, his left cheek throbbing so much, his eyes blurred by the punch his father delivered yesterday, some of his ribs must have snapped, he couldn't do anything. The cold floor and smell of garbage is in the room, dry bloods is all over his body, in that cold and dark room, he can manage to see how some little part of his body is a lot lighter than the part where his father beat him.

 

 _Why am I even been born_ … That day, he didn't know if its morning or night, his mother come and cry to him, caressing him as if she cares. _Why do you act like you care when all you do is just stand there?_ Baekhyun wants to say, but words have never been familiar in his tongue. Only one word escape, _"Die."_

 

His mother left him that day with shocked face, tears streaming unstoppably, the next day, his mother left the world.

 

His father comes kicking the door open, his body is in the way and got into contact with the door, he whimpers as he not strong enough to shout. His father takes him in his hand and drag him across the floor by his hand to god know where. His hand felt like it’s been broken when finally his father let it go.

 

The floor is still cold, but this kind of floor is different, the room didn't smell like the place he was staying and near where he lay down is a bed. Trying to focus his sight, he could make a person-woman- sleeping above it.

 

"She has been loving you and sees what you did to her!!! You KILLED her!" _Love? Who is she even?_

 

"Garbage." His father said again, taking something near him, some kind of a long wooden stick and swing it to his body. "Ungrateful bastard!!!" Once, twice, thrice, he is almost out from his conscious when the door banged. Lots of steps merging into the room along with a shout "HANDS UP! POLICE!"

 

Before he really lost it, he heard "We come as a report from Mrs. Byun regarding abusement towards children has been submitted this morning."

 

Later that day, he knows that the woman was his mother. And he killed her, through word. But her mother, saved him before she leaves.

  
  


_~_

  
  


Baekhyun woke from his nightmare, losing all the breaths in his lungs. Sitting up, when he finally awake enough, his body took an action as hyperventilating. His eyes hurt so much and he felt like tons of smoke has been breathed in by him. Everything is  a blur that he didn't recognize his own cry until Kyungsoo hugs him close and whisper reassuring words and ask him to breath slowly. He still flinches from the sudden contact. Just Kyungsoo’s voice alone that wake him from his nightmare in his conscious.

 

"Baekhyun, hey its okay, it’s just me."

 

The touch felt like a stranger, wherein he used to have big hands comforting him, a complete covering hug with a kiss in his head, today he receives a little hand comforting, a soft cherish in his skin and whisper of poems with a low melody behind it. It felt so strange, but at the same time, familiar.

 

When a hand brushed his tears and he can finally take a focus on who comfort him, his tears just spilled again. Reaching the person with his desperate hands, when Kyungsoo is finally in his hold, he cries louder, sobbing so hard wetting Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “Y-you, will you… leave me too?”

  
  


~

  
  


_Too?_ Why does it felt so wrong in Kyungsoo’s brain. Like he should get some hidden clue behind it, like he should know something, should remember something. He just should, because seeing Baekhyun, whom he just know for three days, crying like the darkness is nearby, wreck his heart. Like he should be crying too, he just should… He… Just… Should… _But for what reason?_ He keeps asking for the past seconds.

 

Why is he crying? Why it felt so right for him to cry? Why? His heart just constrict, like he shouldn't breathe, his wrist was itching and his blood seems to come back to life and drained out of him, and it felt so right. So right that it hurts. He didn't even need blood, or air, or anything, he could stay alive, but why, why does it felt like at this moment, with Baekhyun’s cry filling the space and his hand holding tight and not letting go, it just felt so crucial.

 

Kyungsoo knows that he will not stay. That he _will_ leave. This is not his world, his home is up there, in the sky, his family is the angels. He is not the part of this part of life, he will need to leave eventually. But again, his body is not in his control this night, instead of saying the truth, his heart speaks up. “Never.”

 

Such a lie that lull Baekhyun to sleep again.

  
  


_~What we dream is just a small normality_

_in this circuit of complexity_

_But it's like wishing for a star_

_When we are just a little ant_

 

_2016~_

  
  


Kyungsoo keeps glancing back to Baekhyun’s wrist since that morning. They are at the dining table, with Baekhyun writing somethings in papers and Kyungsoo reading the book Baekhyun showed him yesterday. The _‘Dream.’_ one.

 

Lots of things have happened in just span of one day. Yesterday when Baekhyun jerk from his sleep, seeming to have his soul taken away from him, Kyungsoo was fast enough to grasp the boy in his hold and try to calm him. When Baekhyun still gives no response to him, he was cincturing his wrist so hard that when he let go and hug Kyungsoo, he sees the red wrist. Red wrist with lines of discoloration as its base.

 

Baekhyun seems to pick on his behavior. Its rare for Baekhyun to use short sleeve and it's just with people that he trust that he will wear something like that. But he is talking about Kyungsoo in here, Baekhyun has always trust Kyungsoo. That's why he did not hesitate to wear it from before. Even when Chanyeol needs to go, he still wears it. And like today when he was woken in Kyungsoo’s hold with Chanyeol at his other side at the sofa in the living room, he didn't bother to change into sweater once he showered, just change into other black t-shirt with short sleeve. "Hm?" He hums, not lifting his eyes from what he is writing.

 

"Its...."

 

"Yes?"

 

"It's… your scars..." Now Baekhyun put the pen down slowly, hesitantly. Turning his eyes to his wrist then to Kyungsoo’s owl eyes. "What about them?"

 

Kyungsoo looks hesitant at first, seeming very uncomfortable to ask Baekhyun about it, but at the end, he still asks. "Where did you got it?"

 

 _It's a habit_. Baekhyun wants to instantly answers.

 

Its when he was still eight years old and one day Kyungsoo didn't come to his room like always. So he is concerned, or more like he was scared that Kyungsoo has left and now he is all alone. So that day, he tried to brace himself and walks to Kyungsoo’s room, still hiding everytime someone is coming in his way.

 

He did found Kyungsoo that day, crying, a razor in his hand and the other hand was bleeding. Baekhyun doesn't know what happened.

 

Every time Kyungsoo is late from his usual time coming to Baekhyun’s room, Baekhyun will always find him in his room, with his friends, the razor and the blood. He stayed at the door, not having any confident to ask Kyungsoo.

 

But after so many silent acts from Baekhyun towards what he found about Kyungsoo, he asked him one day.

 

 _"It’s a habit."_ Kyungsoo answered. Baekhyun did not pester any further. But he also remembers when he by accident heard about one of the doctor’s talks with the nurse about Kyungsoo.

 

_"He adopts it from his mother habit, I believe. His mother used to do the same and also do it to him too, now it is not good that he adopts that behaviour to cope with the feelings that keep haunting him. I'm afraid it could be worse"_

 

Baekhyun didn't do anything of that sort of things. He has beaten up by his parents enough that he thinks, just a little scrap in his wrist would not mean that much. But eventually, after he lost Kyungsoo, he remembers what the doctor said, _to cope with the feelings_ , so he tried to do it.

 

He was right, the pain from the scars isn't that much, but then, the feelings, the feelings when he remembers Kyungsoo and how he used to do this to himself, how his mother used to do it to him, to the reason that keeps making Kyungsoo do this, is what making Baekhyun addicted.

 

Addicted to the pain, to the struggles that he is not used to at first, but then he understands it and it now feels right, because he was wrong to not to got it earlier, when Kyungsoo was still there. He is guilty, and he thinks its right for him to do it too. Just as much as Kyungsoo has done.

 

"Ugly, isn't it?" He asks back instead.

 

Hands clasped, with his hand between it in a surprise. He shrieks in surprise, shrieks for another when Kyungsoo’s face is right in front of him, so close just inch away.

 

The hands then took his hands slowly, rubbing it soft. Kyungsoo smiles and looks below, to their hands.

 

Just then that Baekhyun saw it. The lines that are haunting his mind every time he hurt himself, the image in his sleep every time he found no little hand reaching to his. The lines that build up in just one part of each hand. Various length and hue of deep brown to maroon. The hand of the person behind it all.

 

"I have it too, and I think they are beautiful." Baekhyun jerk his head, wide eyes to Kyungsoo, could not hide his surprise. How could someone saw this as beautiful? It’s ugly. It’s ugly, ugly, ugly! How could someone call this the opposite? Can Kyungsoo see how different the color and how it looks so out of the human body? It damages his skin, his appearance. He is not handsome to start with, and with this scars… he just becomes uglier. How can Kyungsoo not see it? Is it that hard to see?

 

Kyungsoo’ smile becomes softer, and his eyes shine warmest. "It is beautiful, just the way it is. No more no less. I don’t know where or how you got it, but it is what brought you here. I admire yours, because I know, you are more than strong to reach this point. ‘ugly' and your battle will never get along in one sentence. You are beautiful, just the way you are, no matter what the other said or what you think of yourself. You are no less than the other just because you have this scars. In my eyes, you are you, the strongest people that I have ever meet even we just know each other, you are the beautiful bird hiding in his cage because he looks at his wings as it didn't deserve to be with the sky, when the sky itself is waiting for you.You should never call it like that ever again, because your eyes are blinded by your tears." The hands squeeze his. One hand move to wipe tears that he did not realize are already there. Kyungsoo comes closer, forehead leaning to his. "Promise me."

 

Choked in his tears, Baekhyun nodded.

  


_~The lines that we kept hidden_

_Is not a disgrace_

_It's an emblem of our hard work_

_To reach this point_

 

_2016~_

  
  


“Guys, would you like to eat dinner out?” Chanyeol perks from the kitchen. Two instant noodle cups in his both hands, the result from his finding after twenty minutes rummaging through their stock.

 

“ _Jjajangmyeon_!” Baekhyun shouted. He still cuddled up beside Kyungsoo, telling about his childhood and about his best friends, there are four of them apparently. Baekhyun glance towards him, “If it's okay with you…”

 

Kyungsoo slightly frowns, “Of course it is okay. Why wouldn't it be?” He smiles.

 

“It's just that in the past yo- Ah, what am I talking?” Baekhyun shakes his head slowly. “Yeah, let's eat jjajangmyeon! You will be in dept of us to bring you that heaven food!” Baekhyun becomes happy again. He takes Kyungsoo’s hand and ushers him to their bedroom, muttering about the need to change their clothes because it's cold outside.

 

Kyungsoo relents, laughing in the way. He doesn't really know about this _jjajangmyeon_ being one of heaven food because they don't really need to eat, but if they want to, there are lots of fresh fruit in the garden. So he kind of doubt it, but he is happy with this. Happy with Baekhyun turning more cheerful since morning. Little baby steps, but Kyungsoo could see that the once hollow eyes start to gain its own light.

 

Chanyeol comes back home faster, around three he is already with the two of them, joining the little marathon drama they find and a not so subtle cuddling on the sofa. Since their heart to heart talk about the scars, Baekhyun seems to obtain his voice, he talks more often and it's not just a shy soft voice. He has become bolder and with no asking he takes Kyungsoo’s as his official human pillow.

 

He is content seeing this change on Baekhyun. Just this day, there was this very small trace of light gray ink in Baekhyun’s paper. He could not read it yet when he checked. The letter and the thin line haven’t told much, but he is happy to know that Baekhyun is progressing.

 

Kyungsoo has changed his clothes this morning after taking a shower. Baekhyun has lent him a pair of clothes which is surprisingly fit him perfectly. _“How come you don't bring any clothes with you?”_ Baekhyun asked, Kyungsoo just smile sheepishly.

 

Now too Baekhyun gave him clothes that just perfectly fit him. It's a black turtleneck sweater with black jeans, don't forget to give him a blue snicker. Kyungsoo gave a look at Baekhyun which Baekhyun just groans. He, Baekhyun, groans. Marvelous, remembering just yesterday Baekhyun was full of sorrow. “You are not going to wear your ready-for-a-wedding white shoes. It's just we getting some dinner Kyungsoo. Nothing too formal.”

 

Kyungsoo laughs in response. Well, he can't tell Baekhyun that the shoes were made from clouds and could withstand any surface. He nods and takes the shoes Baekhyun just get from the bottom of his and Chanyeol’s wardrobe. Baekhyun take his hands once again and both of them walk to the front door, taking their coat and wearing the shoes. Chanyeol already at the door, already done, complete with his phone and wallet, smiling at them and reach Baekhyun’s other hand. Locking the door, they make their way, hand in hand.

  
  


~

  
  


Isn't it just yesterday that Chanyeol felt so out of himself? So out because he doesn't have other protecting Baekhyun, together with him. But today, he found his answer in form of Kyungsoo himself.

 

Three of them are hand in hand, walking at the roadside, asking each other where to eat. For the very first time, Baekhyun seems genuinely happy in winter since the time Kyungsoo left them. He is radiating. He is squeezing Chanyeol’s hand back, not just like any other winter walk where Chanyeol is holding him and Baekhyun just letting it.

 

Today, both of them hold each other hand.

 

Baekhyun is talking to Kyungsoo about books, Kyungsoo listening and giving his opinion wherever he can leave it. Chanyeol knows nothing, but even so, he is happy to find this memory once again repeating. He is glad to take this chance.

  
  


~

  
  


December. Along with his arguments between him and Jungsuk hyung and between him and Krystal, it’s just… a harsh reminder.

 

Krystal was… his ex. They were together when they were just young and stupid. Stupidness that broke their life altogether. Krystal succeeds to repair her, but Jongin has no chance to repair anything. He knows that he has duelt his friends, its just

… he doesn’t want to break anything any deeper anymore. When he still has everyone and everything in his hold, he ruined it all. It is better to not have anything for him to break, he thinks. That's why no friends, family, or anything that is too close.

 

 _"It's not your home."_ From Jungsuk just make it worst. He knows that. If not for Kyungsoo, the house should fully be Jungsuk. But after Kyungsoo left, the half of Jungsuk’s was given to Kyungsoo, or more likely, to Jongin. Auntie was… disappointed that Jungsuk still didn't come to accompany them. Even after losing the little brother, Jungsuk still live far away from them, and even when Uncle has passed away, he still didn't come back to stay.

 

Jongin believes Auntie Jo did understand, tried to understand. She must know how Jungsuk wanted to reach the top, to be independent, but deep inside, any mother would want their child to stay for their last moments. Kyungsoo was gone when all along Kyungsoo was the one who stayed and stay, even when he almost move away to Japan, still, he didn't. Even when he already grew up and have a stable income, he still stayed. But when he was gone, who will stay?

 

Jongin remembers how Kyungsoo once said that he didn't want to left uncle and auntie Jo alone, that's why he stayed and that's why Jongin stays, to replace Kyungsoo, to fill the void in Jo’s heart. He stayed so they will not feel left behind. Auntie must predict that Jungsuk will still not come and stay. That's why she left the house to Jongin.

 

No grudge from both of them, since they are young Jungsuk has treated Jongin like his own little brother, just like Kyungsoo, but Jungsuk was right. It's not his house. It’s Kyungsoo’s. And he is alone there, to whom he comes back? To Kyungsoo waiting arm? No…

 

The snow is falling lightly but he felt unbothered to grab an umbrella as he makes his way outside, if he wants to live, he needs to eat. His ramyeon stock is empty and the refrigerator has been only for ice cube for some years.

 

It's the time like this where he remembers how he always comes back home to hot soup and dinner, made by auntie. Or having Kyungsoo delivering some freshly made lunch for him when he was busy. But that's clearly so long ago, Kyungsoo stopped bringing them when Jongin left the note to his secretary that no guest is allowed to visit him if not make an appointment first, no exception for Kyungsoo. Maybe that was one of the first little steps that changes them.

 

Sighing, he keeps walking to the family market near _their_ house, only to find it closed. Frustrating his hand over his locks, he sighs _again_. Regretting not getting the umbrella, he strolls to the direction where another family market belongs, which is three blocks away.

 

Hah… he doesn't really have anything important he needs to do anyway.

  
  


~

  
  


"How far have you read?" Baekhyun asks. Little jumps in his steps with both hand locked with two other people.

 

Kyungsoo thinks back to how thin the paper he hadn’t read yet, pretty thin. "Actually, I’m almost done with _Dream.,_ maybe ten pages before the end?"

 

Baekhyun’s eyes turn wide. "That’s fast." Chanyeol beside him nods, seeming to already connect to what topic they are talking about. "How is your..."

 

"Impression?" Kyungsoo trails. Baekhyun nods.

 

The snow is falling, the temperature is quite cold-it doesn't bother Kyungsoo of course- and even when its quite a night already, the street is busy with people in group or even alone walking from here to where and from where to here. He takes Baekhyun’s hand and guides them to his coat’s pocket, hoping it could warm the human. It did, indicated by the little smile Baekhyun wear. "I love it. It's not too straightforward, but it's not too subtle either. Some are just the writer’s heart talk, nothing too light but there are lots deeper than what they wrote. Oh and there is this poet that I really like: _‘My dream is not mine. But your dream is yours. My dream is yours-"_

 

 _"-But your dream is not mine.’_ That's my favourite too in that book." Baekhyun cuts him, having wider smile with his face looking down to their walking feets in content.

 

Chanyeol frowns, "I don’t get it. Too complicated."

 

"What I got from this poet is there is someone who dreams for their loved ones’ dreams to come true. It's just a one side dreams, they want their loved ones to genuinely have a dream which they will support with all their heart, even when their loved ones’ dream didn't include them in it." _For example, you Chanyeol._ Kyungsoo wants to add but refrain from doing so.

 

It's like an innocent love, praying for someone else happiness even when their happiness is not defined yet, moreover to know who is included in their dream. Love blindly and purely, like a toddler always trusting their parents no matter what they did.

 

"O-" Chanyeol’s reply died in the background when a paper appears right at before Kyungsoo’s eyes. Flying in and fluttering. The crimson ink glows and Kyungsoo without any further thinking get the paper into his hand, letting go of Baekhyun’s in the way and run to where he felt the reason is.

 

The frantic calls of his name from Baekhyun and Chanyeol didn't stop him.

 

"He must be near…" Kyungsoo whispers to no one particular.

  
  


~

  
  


The world, in general, hasn't been very catchy for his eyes. But there is something that pulled him out of his thought when someone who wore a knee-length white coat pass by him.

 

He just done from getting stocks of instant noodle and ramyeon, some canned bear inside the plastic bag too. He just out of the door and take around three to five steps when a man walks faster from behind and passes him.

 

There is something… the smell of honey and summer, the height of the person, the haircut and pitch black hair, the way he walks, the way his hand moves, the moles in his uncovered neck, the person. There's something in that person that pulls Jongin to him. He knows who he is.

 

Before realizing that he stares too long, the person keeps getting far away, its get crowdier and the person could vanish from the crowd at any time, Jongin run after him.

 

Pushing his way he finally has the person’s hand in his. He grips at it so tight, not want to let go. "Kyungsoo." He breathes out.

 

The street lamps are already on, the light from it plus the commercial advertisement shining as the person’s background, with the person turning ever so slowly to look up at Jongin. He is met with the same wide eyes, the same cute nose, the same plush hearty lips, the same smooth pale skin, he is met with the same stare of affection. "Can I help you?" The person asks with soft deep voice. Same voice, how could this be possible?

 

Jongin stuns there, not moving or even gave a clue on letting the person go. His eyes wide, his mouth slightly parted and his legs are shaking. The snow keeps falling, disturbing his focus on the man but he still didn't budge. His hands trembling, and so does his lips. His heart awakening, his tears swimming to the surface. The person still gazes at him with such a neutral expression, not mocking him but not giving any responses too.

 

"Kyungsoo!" Then two men appear from the crowd too, reaching their place where Jongin still stunned and having Kyungsoo’s hand in his.

 

"Chanyeol? Baekhyun?" He voices out. Then their eyes met, Jongin’s and Baekhyun’s. And for the first time that Jongin realize, Baekhyun didn't cry.

 

"Ahh you know each other? that’s why you know my name? Baekhyun must have told you." Kyungsoo says with his still calm and neutral kindness. Jongin did not voice out that the last time he met Baekhyun is five months ago.

  
  


~

  
  


They ended up getting to the same restaurant, ordering jajangmyeon and eat in silence.

 

They eat at the table of four, Baekhyun right beside Kyungsoo with Chanyeol in front of him and Jongin sat beside Chanyeol. Jongin’s brain still could not grasp what's going on, the person right before his eyes is exactly the person he has been looking for so long. But who is he, really? Why didn't he ask or talk about their past or anything that shows him that this Kyungsoo knows him.

 

Baekhyun sometimes whispers to Kyungsoo, leaning his body and brought up his hand to hide his lips movements. Kyungsoo will whisper back and they will nod along or giggle together. Chanyeol and Jongin kind of out from the conversation. Until Chanyeol finished his eating and ask Kyungsoo on what to do this winter holiday.

 

Kyungsoo shakes his head, putting the chopstick down and sipping two gulps of the drink he ordered. “I'm not really sure on what I want to do this holiday, I usually work at winter a lot so I’m not really sure.”

 

“Any place you want to visit then?” Baekhyun asks. Kyungsoo shakes his head.

 

All of them seems to think, except Jongin who didn't really get anything but that they are planning for what to do in the holiday-he has works, refusing to have the days off from Sehun-. The Chanyeol sit straighter, taking his wallet out and carefully taking out a piece of paper underneath all the cards in the cardholder place. He places the old paper on the table and slides it slowly to the center. “I don't know if you guys still have this but… what about acceding our old dream trip?” It's a cream color paper with lots of wrinkles in here and there, Chanyeol’s handwriting looks messy with lots of colours poured in it. At the top right is a doodle of a dog and in the center is written: _‘Wish List’_ in bold letters.

 

Baekhyun stares so long, before he also took out his wallet and pull a folded paper, now in a pink color. It's the same as Chanyeol’s, but instead of a dog, there is a strawberry in Baekhyun’s. His handwriting is a lot neater and curvy. He also slides it to the center, right next to Chanyeol.

  
  


~

  
  


_“What should we do?”_ Jongin whined. All of them have their back pressed against each other. Each hand has a popsicle with different flavours. It was summer, and it was hot. But above all, it's finally holiday they have been waiting for.

 

Auntie Jo comes to them with a tray of icy lime juice. Smiling down to them who seated on the floor on the living room. The door to the backyard is open widely, allowing the wind of summer to get inside. As a semi-traditional house, the Jo’s doesn't put any air conditioner, just letting nature take care of it. They only have a heater, and clearly, no one needs that for summer. _“What about you make list of what you want to do together? Then you can merge it all.”_ She suggested.

 

Chanyeol lit up like a Christmas tree. _“AUNTIE! YOU ARE A GENIUS!”_ He shouted as he scrambles to his backpack, taking out a really cute stationary out of it with a pack of colored markers. He slammed it to the floor, grinning from ear to ear.

 

Baekhyun gave him a look, because the note that he took have a color of pink as its cover. _“Where do you got this?”_

 

Jongin snickers behind. Kyungsoo tried so hard to hide his laugh. Chanyeol rolls his eyes, _“Its Yura’s, okay? She gave it so when she wants to order me around to buy her makeup, I would not mistake any shade.”_

 

_“And you just got along with that?”_

 

The giant glared. _“Well Baekhyun, thanks to you, her favourite little brother, she only wants to bother me around.”_ Chanyeol said, pouting in the way that all of them are sure he didn't realize he did that. Baekhyun reached out to his cheeks, putting his leftover strawberry ice cream in the lime juice. God knows how it will taste in the end. “ _Awww Channie, is baby Channie jealous? Here, let me kiss your pout away~”_

 

Chanyeol turns red at that, trying to shove Baekhyun away along with his pouting lips asking for a kiss. Kyungsoo and Jongin already laughing so hard, using each other to stay sited and not rolling on the floor.

 

All of them got silenced when Chanyeol stops shoving Baekhyun and instead, he leaned and kiss Baekhyun right on the lip. Both of them retract from each other, wide eyes and red as tomatoes before Chanyeol hide his face with his big hand and Baekhyun run to Kyungsoo to hide his blush in Kyungsoo’s crook. _"Keep it PG, cant you?_ " Jongin warned but he was till laughing.

 

Then they wrote what they wanted. Four wishes for each of them, one wish for themselves and the other wish must be dedicated for the other, making it sixteen wishes they want to do in the holiday before they jump to the work era. Freshly graduated, and have a really bright future, no one guesses anything bad will happen. They are still young and free.

 

Except the day before their flight to Japan, Jongin’s mother steal him away for work trip, making Jongin cannot go with them. At the end of the day, they promised to do it next year, when everyone could come and it's really four of them enjoying it together.

  
  


~

  
  


Jongin also takes his wallet out, taking pieces of papers at the deepest pocket of his. Two papers come out, one in a soft dark brown color and the other in a blue one. It’s a bear and a penguin this time. The brown one just the same like Chanyeol’s, is crumpled and near its existence, but the handwriting still could be read. The blue one is smooth as if its new, no extra crumple, no wrinkles, just a faded color on the side, marking that the paper is old. He slides it below Chanyeol’s and Baekhyun’s papers.

 

Now four papers are placed next to each other, the papers come from the same book, have the same style but difference handwriting, different doodle at the top right, different background colors and different markers. But all of it looks like it comes from the same source and time. It indeed is.

  
  


~

  
  


They stay in silence again, eyes only trained on the papers. Baekhyun nods, “Kyungsoo, do you have your passport with you?” he asks.

 

Kyungsoo looks up and give Baekhyun a questioning gaze. “Pass… what?”

 

“Passport, you know the thing you need to use to travel to another country?” Baekhyun describe as he makes his fingers to imitate the same size of the passport.

 

“Let me… check it first…” Kyungsoo reaches up to his coat inside pocket, right with the note is a small wallet, given by Yunho. He said whatever he needs will be in the wallet. He takes it out, searching for something with the text ‘passport’ in it. He finds it, at the back of the wallet with a little note attached to it. _"Don't give me a heart attack for making something so complicated in the last minute, thank God I love u. -Changmin"_ Oops. Kyungsoo smile secretly, taking out the passport and giving it to Baekhyun.

 

Baekhyun takes it gladly and nods. "Yeah, this is it."

 

They take the papers to place it in it’s previous place, Jongin hesitating on getting the two backs or not. After Chanyeol pays for their dinner they stood up and get out from the restaurant. Jongin still hesitates on what he needs to do. He remembers the last time he met with Chanyeol and Baekhyun, they thought that Jongin didn't want to be with them.

 

Kyungsoo is talking to Baekhyun and Chanyeol just stood beside him, shaking his head before Jongin could ask anything. "I also don’t know, Jongin." He says, so Jongin did not ask anymore.

 

In the road where they need to part different ways, they stop. Not uttering any words. Kyungsoo just wanders his eyes around, also not really know what's with this atmosphere.

 

"Tomorrow, at two make sure you are all ready." Baekhyun says in soft voice. Jongin’s head turn to him so quickly, finding Baekhyun already turning away and now he is faced with his back.

 

"You mean… I..."

 

"Of course you are going with us, it's _our_ dream." Then he takes Kyungsoo’s hand and walks faster away from Jongin. Kyungsoo turns his head, waving to Jongin which he returns hesitantly.

 

Chanyeol stays behind, only to say, "I really don't know, but Baekhyun said that he _is_ our best friends. I also believe so, but he didn't remember anything and it's just getting confusing. Jongin, it's up to you if you want to come with us or not, but I and Baekhyun _will_ take this chance. So thought about it thoroughly before joining us." Then he goes, striding to Baekhyun and Kyungsoo with his big steps that easily match up to where they are.

  
  


_~Take it. The chance. Their hand. Their heart. Don't step on it. Hold on to it. Just… cherish it. So you will not regret it at the end of the dream._

 

_2016~_

  
  


They are all awkward. Kyungsoo didn't really think this trip will go smoothly amazing if three of them sit stiffly in their place. Only Chanyeol who keep the conversations at some time, pointing something out there and then shut up when the only one who responds is Kyungsoo.

 

Baekhyun and Jongin never once lift their head to meet each other eyes. Only their hand picking the sushi and mouth to chew that are moving.

 

Yesterday night after their dinner with Jongin, Baekhyun tell him that they used to have this bucket list on what they want to do in the holiday, and as Kyungsoo doesn't really have a plan for his holiday, why not using it for his holiday? He agreed with him. And again, Kyungsoo thinks he is the Kim Jongin he is searching for.

 

So when the sun is up, they place their clothes and the other necessary things in the bag called suitcase. For Kyungsoo, Baekhyun has like this stack of clothes that fit him perfectly that he had been borrowing Kyungsoo since day one, so those are the one that Baekhyun packed for him. The other necessary things for Kyungsoo are just his shoes, white coat, the books Baekhyun recommended, the wallet and the leather notebook, which he wear it all so there is no need to put it the bag. The notebook and wallet safely tucked in his pocket.

 

They get into Chanyeol’s car, driving and stopping at one house with lots of bonsai outside, Jongin was sitting on the porch with a similar bag in his side. They take off to the airport and it doesn’t need to take long before they flight to Japan. Only sleeping in the way, so when they arrived, Chanyeol announced that his first list in the paper is _‘Eat sushi until faint.’_

 

So they search a sushi restaurant near their booked hotel and eat here.

 

All of them just sit there, really. The food is good, the place and waitress are awesome. Everything is good except their stiffness.

 

Chanyeol takes his glass of icy ocha and sip on it, Jongin taking the last piece of his sushi with the chopstick, and putting a lot of kimchi and pepper right at the top of the cheese salmon sushi. Kyungsoo just gonna do the same like Chanyeol, he takes the glass in his hand when a really loud burp rises from right across him.

 

The glass he holds mid air fall to the table, Chanyeol spurt the ocha out from his mouth as he chokes and Jongin receive Chanyeol’s ocha with his last piece of sushi fall to his pants, making a quite visible stain of green, red and soft yellow. An _oops_ come from Baekhyun. Their eyes turn so wide not believing the disaster they make

 

Their positions are all so awkward, with just the same expression and realization on how this turn into a mess by their attitude, they burst out laughing so hard.

 

Chanyeol laughing until he falls down to the floor, slapping his tights so hard everyone is sure it will turn red once the jeans is out of the way. Slightly wet Jongin take the tissue to dry his ocha-treatment face spray but fails miserably because he can't even reach it with his body doubling over his sit due to laughing. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo laugh so hard too, only stopping when they feel something drip into their pants, realizing that Kyungsoo’s previous ocha that fall over now spread around the table and search for its lowest point to fall down.

 

Taking tons of tissue they block the ocha’s way, glancing each other and snickers once again. Even Baekhyun and Jongin lock their gaze together and laugh.

 

"We are a mess…" Chanyeol says out loud. It falls to no insult ears, they just nods and laughs again. Yes, together they created a mess.

  
  


~

  
  


With the help of a taxi, they finally arrived at their booked hotel. One room at the highest floor. A pretty big room even for four people. They have agreed to sleep in the same room, so they could ‘bond' longer.

 

Their stiffness is not there completely anymore. not really. Once they make their way to the room and unlocked it, Chanyeol and Baekhyun just walk together to the bed plop themselves there. Chanyeol groaning when Baekhyun falls his body on top of his.

 

"I ate too much!" Chanyeol whines.

 

"This is all your fault." Baekhyun pipe in then they both groaned together.

 

Kyungsoo shakes his head, putting down his coat and bag to fo tugging at Baekhyun. "Your pants is still dirty from the ocha, c’mon, change it first then you can go to sleep." With his help, Baekhyun drag himself to the bathroom, Kyungsoo closing the door and letting Baekhyun change his clothes. Not too long after, he is out in his bunny pajama and plops his body again on top of Chanyeol.

 

Sighing in content, Kyungsoo comes to the living room space where he left his suitcase, the first thing he takes out is the second book of Baekhyun’s best friend. He put it on the table and close the suitcase again.

 

Jongin who already settle himself in the sofa glance at the book. "You read that?" He asks in small voice. Kyungsoo looks up to him and nods. "Yes, I asked Baekhyun which one that he would recommend for me, and he gave me this." He then stood up and settle himself on the same sofa as Jongin. Opening the first page of the book titled _‘Bird.-2018'_.

 

"Kim Jongin, right? I'm sorry for not catching your names, Baekhyun kind of drag me here and there." He says, running his hand through his hair, a bit flustered if he thinks again on how much Baekhyun have been attached to his hips even when it's just days they meet.

 

"It's alright..." Jongin glances to Kyungsoo who trained his eyes at him with a soft smile grazing. He felt a prick in his heart, a really bad one. Those eyes who always gave its attention to whoever he is talking to, isn’t it been so long since he really takes a good look at those eyes?

 

When is the last time? Their last fight? No. Before that? Yes. Then when? Ah… isn't it exactly when the book in Kyungsoo’s hand got published and the four of them celebrate it together? It is that long huh…

 

"You are their best friend, aren't you?" Kyungsoo voice took him out of his thought. He clears his throat, turning his brain upside down to answer it. Because he knows, even when they were best friends, for the past nine years, he didn't act like one. Do they still count him as they bestfriends? Even when he acts like shit? He don't know. "I wonder..." he whispers, praying hard that Kyungsoo didn't hear his slipped words.

 

But of course Kyungsoo did hear it, he didn't comment on it tho. Instead he smiles, "This trip, let’s have fun together."

 

Jongin nods. As the night keep rolling, Jongin slipped into the dreamworld at the sofa. He has the most peaceful sleep he ha ever got that night, because Kyungsoo is right on the other side of the sofa, he is there. There is this quiet humming to ballad songs that keep him in check that Kyungsoo is really there.

  
  


_~Hold my hand_

_So I will not fall_

_So I will not disappear_

_Because it's been a tiring days_

_Hold my hand, keep me in here_

_Keep me with you_

 

_2018~_

  
  


“Please make this fast. Please make this fast. I want this to be over already” Baekhyun chants like a prayer, Kyungsoo laughs so hard at him. The viking boat just starts taking off, little swing, little swing, which become bigger by time. Today they woke up in tangled limbs, maybe at night Kyungsoo and Jongin decided to join Baekhyun and Chanyeol in the king sized bed. They only washed their face and brushing teeth before they make their way to the hotel restaurant below, stocking their stomach with breakfast.

 

Today, it's not as awkward as yesterday. Jongin still not talk that much, Baekhyun still avoids Jongin’s eyes, Chanyeol still tried his best to become the interval with Kyungsoo. But today is a lot more comfortable. A lot more fun. After finishing their breakfast, they come back to the room and prepared themselves for today wish. With casual outwear for the cool season, they make their way to the amusement park. It comes from Jongin’s bucket list, the first one which seems has been highlighted since the first time he wrote it with red marker.

 

 _‘1. Amusement park for the puppy!’_ It’s read with a little doddle of what looks like a cat…? Jongin told them that he draw corgi but- alright, maybe it's just Jongin’s art style. Baekhyun did smile a little when he heard the wish but he hides it in looking down. Kyungsoo is sure he must be happy. And he is right, partly right. If not for the chants from Baekhyun everytime the boat swing higher and dropping back faster.

 

“AHHHHHHH WHEN WILL THIS BE OVER?! YA YA YAA!” He shouts so loud. Chanyeol that sit near the edge and beside Baekhyun just laugh louder.

 

“This is fun Baekhyun! Try throwing your hand in the air!” The silly does just what he is saying, throwing his long arms to the sky and shouting nonstop with a silly big smile on his face… he is not comforting Baekhyun at all.

 

“I WILL FALL YOU DICKHEAD!”

 

“You will not! Just try it!”

 

“WILL NEVER!” Baekhyun shouts. He holds the safety handle stronger. He shut his eyes closed and talking and praying with quivering voice at the same time. A cute scenery if you ask Kyungsoo. Jongin is laughing at them. At first, Jongin is just the same, he was very nervous and shut his eyes tightly, but once the ride begins, he starts to enjoy himself. A traitor for Baekhyun because Baekhyun hoped he will not be the only one panicking over the game.

 

“Baekhyun, don't be a coward!” Chanyeol shouts once again. Still not realizing he just makes everything worse for Baekhyun.

 

“I'M SO GOING TO LEAVE YOU ONCE WE ARE OUT OF THIS HELL!”

 

Kyungsoo laughs again but now, the air and adrenaline rushing through him is quite fun and he does enjoy this. The little tingling in his heart every time the swinging boat drop to the core and climb up once again and again until they are practically swinging in more than half circle degree amaze him, but not for Baekhyun, so he reaches up Baekhyun’s hand. And the little puppy did flinch but once he realizes its Kyungsoo, he clings to the latter for his dear life.

 

Jongin scoots closer to them and pat Baekhyun’s shoulder from where he is seated, which is beside Kyungsoo, giving some moral support. And there is Chanyeol, still laughing crazily… that dull giant.

  
  


~

  
  


“Don't come near me hmpp.” Baekhyun turns his head from Chanyeol and keep clinging to Kyungsoo.

 

Once they are out from the swinging boat, just then that Chanyeol realize he may or may not has angered the little man. Baekhyun avoids him as much as Chanyeol keep begging for forgiveness. The giant sent a helpless look to Kyungsoo, but Kyungsoo just shakes his head with a little smile.

 

“That's what you got for abandoning little puppy.” Jongin whisper to Chanyeol. Unfortunately, Baekhyun hears it. He turns his head to them and stares hard, both tall men stood straighter and gulps. “I’m hating you too.” He says to Jongin and goes back to burn his head in Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

 

Yeah, today is a lot better. Kyungsoo smiles to himself.

  
  


~

  
  


After some deals with Baekhyun, which where they are not gonna ride any dangerous games that involve speed and height, Baekhyun finally forgive them a bit. After the insistence of Chanyeol for them playing carousel wheel(in order to apologize further to Baekhyun) they finally took it on themselves that its the time for them to eat lunch, even tho its already past that time.

 

So finally, they are here, in the one of the cafes that themed wonderland inside the amusement park. Mouth gaping at the overload cuteness and designs. A waitress comes up to them, asking how many table they need and then usher them to the tables of four, near the center of the room.

 

The place is not too crowded anymore because the traffic hour is already done, but still, the place still has lots of people in.

 

“Everything seems like a heaven?” Baekhyun cheers, loving the iridescent colors.

 

“They even sell some souvenirs,” Chanyeol notes. He must be thinking of buying some.

 

After getting the menu from the waitress, they open it and scan the menu on to what kind of food they want to order. “They have rainbow cotton candy ice flavoured!” Jongin says in enthusiasm, Chanyeol that sit next to him high-fived him with a low _yes._

 

“I want maple pancake with strawberry caramel ice cream~” Baekhyun says out loud, smiling to himself in satisfaction at his own choice.

 

“Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol asks

 

Jongin glance at him. “Same with us, maybe? You used to love them.”

 

Kyungsoo shakes his head, smiling as he declines the offer “Thank you, but I think I will get chocolate minty ice cream, has never like something that is too sweet.” Jongin taken back by Kyungsoo choice slightly frown but let it go.

  
  


~

  
  


_“Come on, don't be sad too long. I will buy you ice cream, your favourite?”_ Kyungsoo pats his shoulder then engulfing him in a hug. That day wasn't very nice to Jongin, his mother keep feeling about something and another, pointing out that Jongin needs to be like this and like that. He cant take it anymore so he gets out of the house and runs to Kyungsoo’s.

 

After crying in Kyungsoo, he felt somehow a lot better. _“Yes, please.”_ He mumbles. Kyungsoo take a tissue and dab his eyes, making sure Jongin looks alright before they make their way to the family store near them.

 

Kyungsoo ordered two cups of rainbow cotton candy ice flavoured. _“You don't want to get another flavor?”_ He asks Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo shakes his head. _“Nah, this is my favourite.”_ At the end, half of Kyungsoo cup is given to Jongin with a smile saying he was full. Jongin accepted it gladly.

  
  


_~What will not I do for you?_

 

_2018~_

  
  


“AHHHH!” Chanyeol squeals his lungs out. They are currently at the central of Tokyo, where so many shops open. Including… Rilakkuma store. After getting tired and content of the amusement park, they decided that it's too early to go back to the hotel. So one more wish for that day.

 

Jongin tells them his second wish which is to go on a _‘Rilakkuma hunt for Chanyeol’._ Chanyeol was just too happy to hear it.

 

Baekhyun sighs as he seen Chanyeol running inside and keep squealing like a teenager in love. “Honestly, only his body that seems like a giant, his heart is like-”

 

“-a puddle of Rilakkuma.” Jongin trails and Baekhyun nods without meeting his eyes. “I agree.”

 

Once again, Baekhyun sighs. Now he could see Chanyeol practically taking lots of plushie into his shopping cart that he fetched somewhere. “You guys better prepare your hand, this will not go weightless when we go back to the hotel. He will take anything he could take with him.”

 

Both Kyungsoo and Jongin chuckles. When they walk inside, Baekhyun is at the back, and out of nowhere when he starts to notice how much people beside him, a feeling of deep fear creeping inside him.

 

He whimpers when he found that he can't lift his head because he is too scared all of the sudden with the number of people.

 

But then he hear Kyungsoo’s voice. “Let’s go, we didn't want to lose him in this sea of bear, right?” Baekhyun takes his hand with no hesitation, but when he looked up, it’s not Kyungsoo’s hand. Kyungsoo was standing some step behind Jongin who look very nervous about having Baekhyun’s hand in his.

 

He wants to retract his hand, to flinch or to slap, but instead, he finds the old unique comfort he used to receive from Jongin’s hand. He gives it a squeeze and walks along with Jongin. Kyungsoo also matching their step to follow the yoda who is in love with Rilakkuma.

 

 _It's not as bad as I thought it would be._ Baekhyun whispers in his heart and once again give a squeeze to the medium sized hand that's holding him.

  
  


_~A rainbow will appear once the rain is over._

_But it's not a promise._

 

_2018~_

  
  


The very next day, everything just becomes smoother for them. They become closer, not really that awkward to strike some conversation up and joking along.

 

Coming back from Chanyeol hunt of Rilakkuma, each of them has two shopping bags which contain… Rilakkuma. It's all Chanyeol’s, he didn't bat an eyelash to the price and just keep getting and getting what looks cute. For crying out loud, why does Rilakkuma need to be heavy? They come home with some ache at their wrist and hands. That night ended up with them in tangled limbs once again.

 

“Who wish for this? I love you.” Jongin whispers in disbelieve. They got up late from their sleep and no one really minds it. When they go down the breakfast hour is already over, so Chanyeol said they actually could do his second wish. _’Chicken chicken chicken for our chicken friends."_

 

“Ewww,” Chanyeol pretends to throw up.

 

“I take my words back,” Jongin says and all of them snickers.

  
  


~

  
  


“Alright, chicken, here we come!” Chanyeol pumps his hand up. They have let Jongin to order their brunch, whatever he ordered will be forgiven if its bad, its a wish for him anyway. So they are waiting for the foods to come and spare their starving stomachs.

 

Just then, from where Kyungsoo is situated, he saw a very familiar head diving in the crowd outside from the windows at the front of the restaurant, the man’s wings did not stand up like always and he is wearing the same coat as Kyungsoo.“Ah, excuse me, I need to use the bathroom.” He says. Standing up and get out from the restaurant, also diving the crowd with his little body to reach the person with white coat.

  
  


~

  
  


When Kyungsoo stands up, Jongin want to trail where Kyungsoo is going, just to make sure that he is okay. But his vision of Kyungsoo got blocked when a woman with a really short hair stood in his way. “Jongin?”

 

Looking closely, Jongin finally recognizes the woman. “Amber?”

 

The girl with platinum hair lit up knowing she didn't mistake someone as Jongin. “Oh wow buddie, never expect to see you here!” she throws a fist mid air, Jongin knowing the meaning of it also give a fist and knocks their knuckles together.

 

“I have heard from Sehun that you ask for day off, but never in my mind I thought that you will be out of your house, moreover you out from our homeland, like wow.” Jongin laughs awkwardly, he also would not believe himself if week ago someone saying he will be in Japan and finally using his own money for real. “Are you alone, or?”

 

A coughs came from Chanyeol. “Actually, we are already in here from the start.” he says, Baekhyun also smiling to Amber who is pretty oblivious at first that they are there.

 

“Chanyeol? Baekhyun? Are you kidding me?" Her mouth gaping to the floor. She went for a high five and bump her shoulder to Baekhyun and Chanyeol who stood up to give him greetings.

 

Amber smiles so wide. “Bro! It's really nice to meet you again! Oh my, above all people, you two come here with Jongin, Kristal will be so happy to hear this!” she takes her phone out, seeming do just what she said. But then a phone call comes and she picks it up, saying that she will be in there in a minute before she ended the call.

 

“Oh I need to go now, really have something to do. But hey! All of you are our warriors, thanks to you now I and Kristal could be together, also lots of our friends, now they are not afraid of coming out. I'm still in debt for you guys, thank you.” she says in a hurry before she gave them more high five and get out from the restaurant with a plastic of their takeaway foods.

 

Ambers word echo in his brain. A swell of pride but also tons of guiltiness. After Baekhyun and Chanyeol coming out loud that they are together and when Jongin decided to left the house, the society of rich people… become a mess to say the least because the Park and Kim was like the king of South Korea economic at that time. Like Krystal also coming out with Amber, the other also start to defend their love and fuck the people’s words. It ended for a happy ending in each other way after Kyungsoo was gone. After he was gone that the three of them become brave enough to do what they should have from the start. Coming out, not be afraid of what other people think of their love, and go to get what happiness they want.

 

For Jongin, staying is not an option, he can’t grounded like the old time, even when he didn't have a really high job like the previous CEO title, at least he feels at home when he comes back to Jo’s house. He feels humanly human. And that's what their fellow rich generation wants. To feel what to be a human being and have their own will and opinion to be heard, not to be controlled.

  
  


~

  
  


“Yixing?” Kyungsoo calls out once he is close enough to the man.

 

The man turns his body, dimple formed in his cheeks when he smiles. “Oh I have been found.”

 

Kyungsoo lit up to know it really is Yixing. He steps closer and hugs the man. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Coming to see you? Yunho said that I need to give you some lecture on coming to Japan without long notice. Changmin needed to rush everything so your passport is ready the minute Baekhyun asked for it. Which only give him a minute.” The taller says chicly. Kyungsoo just laughs softly, feeling not sorry at all. Hey, he loves bothering Yunho and Changmin when he can, it's a bit fun.

 

“Oh wow, I’m so sorry.” No, he is not. Yixing know it too and they chuckle together.

 

“So how are you doing?” Yixing asks, kindness and softness dripping out from his voice.

 

Kyungsoo more than trailed to tell his friends about his newly friends. “Great! People that I got assigned to were so kind, we travel here with a bucket list and so far, the empty paper you gave me start to form a grayish ink.”

 

“Are you happy?”

 

Kyungsoo smiles, feeling a bit shy with the question regarding himself. Why wouldn't he be? “I am. Are you?”

 

Yixing’s dimple formed deeper, his eyes getting smaller. “Of course.” From where they stand, Yixing catches the platinum hair getting out from the restaurant where Kyungsoo was. _Time is over._ “Now go back inside, I will come again. If you need me, or anything, I will come.” he engulfs Kyungsoo into another hug with Kyungsoo holding tighter, then he let go.

 

The smaller walks away, but stopped and turn his head at Yixing. “Are you my guardian angel?” he jokes.

 

“I am.” Yixing smiles seeing Kyungsoo walks away. It's not a part of a joke when he answers Kyungsoo’s question tho. _Oh Kyungsoo, if you just know that was your mother last wish…_

  
  


_"Please protect my son Kyungsoo, gave him a guardian angel, please. Protect his happiness, please. I could not protect him anymore, so please, dear God." -Do Seungah_

  
  


Chanyeol gets out from the place with a very radiant smile, happy to have his tummy full but not overfull, like a certain someone who is holding his stomach and letting out a sigh. “That's why you shouldn't eat too much or at least eat the vegetable.” Chanyeol says in triumphant. Happy that he can tease Jongin and his obsession with chicken once again

 

“But it's been so long since I eat something that delicious.”

 

“And why is that?” Kyungsoo quirk his eyebrow.

 

“Instant food.” the three of them replies at the same time, knowing smile on each face of them.

 

Chanyeol wander his eyes around, “Now, where should we go next? Or is there any wish that we could accomplish this noon?”

 

Baekhyun starts to fidget in his place, Kyungsoo sees that the little taller man has opened his phone and just clench at it before he takes some unsure steps to Chanyeol. “Um…” he gives his phone to Chanyeol who take it and inspect closer on what is on the screen.

 

Chanyeol eyes turn wides, keep glancing back and forth between Baekhyun and the phone that looks tiny in his hand.“Wait, is it what im really seeing right now?”

 

“I… One of the members have been fans since the first book, he comes to me privately after the third book published and asked if he could do anything to… express his deep condolence. We sort of become email friends since then on, and I may or may not asked him if we could get some tickets since a concert is in my list, which you could never maintain even with your connection that can book us international ticket of four at the last minutes."

 

“Baek, since when?” Chanyeol is near his tears, he must be so happy.

 

“He gave it to me since we land here, but I don't know how to tell it to you guys…”

 

“Baekhyun, hey, this is a really beautiful surprise, I’m so happy, thank you. But will you be okay?” he sighs, letting his hand fall to the side like some reality just slapped him hard. “There will be lots of people in there. Will you be alright?”

 

Baekhyun looks up and reach for Chanyeol’s hands. “I-Yes, it is alright Chanyeol, I have you guys after all.” he smiles.

 

That night, they watched the Super Junior tour, meeting Heechul at the backstage and shouting some fanchants together.

 

That night, three hands are holding his, Baekhyun didn't even bother to think about how many people are there with them. He is just too content, and happy, because he finally could stand up again without hiding and taking Chanyeol as his defense. He can stand with them, with no fear of being alone creeping inside.

  
  


~ _With you, with us, I feel like flying, together._

 

_2018~_

  
  


It's really a rushed decision from them to change where they stay. Two days left for them to stay in Japan, already having the flight back ticket on the night of the second day.

 

They are all worn out, but happy. Chanyeol and Baekhyun turned off their phone and all they do all day when they are not trying to make some wish true are to talk with each other. They talk about their old times, about what's going on right now, even lots of random topics included inside.

 

The once stiff shoulder and straight up back now could relax and shove each other softly. They really are enjoying this, but it's almost Christmas and they think it's best if they finished their sixteen wishes before it.

 

So today, they are already in Tama. Riding the latest train yesterday. Tama, to say the least is beautiful. It's less crowded than Tokyo, more relaxing and more green in some way. And even when the snow has fallen for times to times, the road is clear and not too many piles of snow stuck out at here and there.

 

After booking one big room for them in one of the inns, the kind   _Ojou-sama_ suggested the bike ride around Tama Lake. Baekhyun was happy to know that there really is a railway for bikes because it's his wish for having a bike ride.

 

They wake up much earlier, wanting to enjoy the cold and refreshing breeze of morning. Its winter, even in the day the cold breeze could come to him but anyway, they want to ride bike in the morning.

 

The Ojou-sama already woke up and was waiting in the front when they merged from their room, looking fresh and ready. The old lady guides them to the parking lot of the inn. They actually have bikes for rent. Unfortunately, there are only three bikes available at the moment.

 

Baekhyun who never tried to ride one said he will just be Chanyeol’s guest. After thinking again, Kyungsoo also said he will be like Baekhyun.

 

So they rented two bikes, Jongin and Chanyeol already have the control of the bikes, while Kyungsoo and Baekhyun sit at the back of each bike.

 

Thanks to Chanyeol and Jongin’s power, they could climb up to the top of the hill where they can see Tama Lake from the toppest place.

 

Kyungsoo is standing at the back, loving how he could be taller than Jongin when he stands. He holds Jongin’s shoulder to make sure he will not fall. “This is really refreshing,” he whispers. The scene up in the heaven has its own beauty, and seeing it this close also give another unique beauty. Jongin nods frantically.

 

In front of them are Chanyeol and Baekhyun. Baekhyun already standing too and Chanyeol keeps rambling about how Baekhyun should not move too much because he is scared Baekhyun will fall. Baekhyun just laughs at him. Joking about how Chanyeol could say that when they were just on a bike, but when they was on the viking Chanyeol was too engrossed in himself.

 

"Ah… just if we could come again when it's summer," Kyungsoo says again.

 

Jongin in his state of driving the bike felt a bit guilty. They planned all of this for summer, but everything canceled because of him. And by some miracle that until now he cant get, Kyungsoo come back and they could make their old dream trip come true.

 

Jongin is accepting. He was mad at himself for everything, blaming himself on everything, but when Kyungsoo come back, without any explanation about how, he just somehow make it’s all better like how he used to be.

 

Baekhyun did whisper to him that _maybe_ this is a miracle. It may be weird, but for Baekhyun, he wants to take it and hold to it. Jongin felt the same way. That's why without thinking a lot about how come Kyungsoo is here with them,he just enjoy himself. And he really did.

 

It's been so long since they slept over and talk that Jongin forgets how it feels, but today he is thankful for getting the chance to feel it again. To fix what he hasn't fixed, to talk what he never tell, to joke like nothing is wrong.

 

When it's a way down, Kyungsoo sits again and hug his waist. "Be careful." He whispers to Jongin’s ear. The latter could feel his own face heating up at the voice.

  
  


~ _The little whispers that means everything for me._

_The strength behind my wings._

_The beat behind my heart_

 

_2018~_

  
  


“This is really what I need. Strawberry.” Baekhyun says, running inside the strawberry farm in glee because his wish is really coming true. Their inn was close from one of the strawberry farm in Tama. In no time he is already sitting on the ground, in front of him is a strawberry tree that has lots of its fruits.

 

“Baek, even if you need it, please don't pick all strawberries in here.” Chanyeol runs after him. Not believing there already like twelve strawberries in Baekhyun’s farming bag.

 

“Buff, Chianyul, keinnn yu cii dett heii ar shalingg porr ii?”

 

Chanyeol sighs. “Baek, eat first before you speak up. They are not calling you, you are the one who jumps to them.” Baekhyun just shrugs his shoulder and continue to ravish the poor tree.

 

“Kyungsoo, please help me.” Chanyeol says, turning to Kyungsoo.

 

The smaller also turn to look at him. His cheek full with strawberry. “Waff?”

 

Chanyeol didn't bother, he turn to the latest person he could ask help to. “Jongi-”

 

“Eitfing” he groans out loud. The other laughs with their mouths full. Chanyeol thinks he will let it pass this time, as long as they are happy.

  
  


~ _Your smiles worth the sea. Everything will I give to boat with you_

 

_2018~_

  
  


The last wish they could achieve in Japan is visiting the bookstore. It’s a wish from Baekhyun for Kyungsoo, the bookworm.

 

The most thrilled person for visiting the bookstore of course are Kyungsoo and Baekhyun himself.

 

Kyungsoo skips into the import section, going around to search for poetry books when he catches a simple looking book.

 

It's the same like the book Baekhyun gave him, but the book that is on his hand right now have the initial of the writer beside its title instead of the year. ‘ _Paper. by KS’_

 

When Baekhyun come up to him, Kyungsoo showed him the book. "Isn't this the book you have three series of, Baekhyun?"

 

Baekhyun pales at the sight of the book, but he nods.

 

"It seems pretty popular that it reaches Japan, hmm?" Kyungsoo inspects the book again. The plastic wrap still coats over the book.

 

"My best friend wrote it, and he is amazing to begin with." Baekhyun reasons out.

 

"He must be so lucky to have you."

 

"I did nothing."

 

Kyungsoo put the book back and turn to Baekhyun."Having you by his side means lot more than nothing."

 

“Is that so?”

 

Kyungsoo smiles and nods. “I really love your best friend writing style. All the feelings mirrored in every simple word. At first everything goes well, when the climax starts to appear, he wrote all of them. I thought there will be a happy ending, I _believe_ so, but it actually doesn't have one. Which is unfortunate,” he says, he actually already seen the latest poetry of the third book, he jumps out even before he read the middle part, deciding that spoiling a little would not hurt.

 

It didn't hurt if he still forgets everything.

  
  


~

  
  


_“Kyungsoo, the past hundred poets start to become darker, this is already November.”_ Baekhyun complains over the phones.

 

 _“Let it Baek.”_ Kyungsoo desperate voice may have stopped him in the other time, but not now. He does this for Kyungsoo too.

 

 _“But Soo, the 365 days will end on your birthday. I don't think this book will find its light like what you hope for your feelings to survive to be shared.”_ It's already October.

 

 _“There will be Baekhyun. Happy ending will arrive in the end, I believe in those, trust me. It will end… happily.”_ Kyungsoo answers.

 

What runs in him at that time is one thing. _You always believe..._

  
  


_~You give just to receive_

_anything but darkness_

 

_‘Darkness is not a gift_

_it is a curse’ they say_

 

_They are wrong_

 

_You are wrong_

 

_For believing_

 

_3 March 2021~_

  
  


The guard outside the foster care greets them cheerfully, already knowing who Baekhyun is. It's not very specific wish of his, after all he has been coming to the place frequently. Sometimes with Chanyeol, but most of the times alone.

 

This wish is just a bit more specific, he wants to _‘visit foster care together’._ All four of them, together.

 

After their flight to come back,they decide to stay together so it will be easier for them and make the trip longer with them still having fun even at night.

 

“No one from the old time still stays in here, but still, this place holds the memories, after all w- I grow up in here...” he says as they make their way inside the building. White walls with lots of doors like in some dorm.

 

“Oppa!”

 

The four of them turn around, finding a little girl with two pigtails jumping up to reach them. “Seulgi.” Baekhyun greets. Once she is near enough, Baekhyun scoot her in his hold as she hugged him

 

“Eh?” Jongin little confusion didn't go unnoticed by the little girl. When she saw Jongin, she cheerfully squeals like Jongin is her favourite person.

 

“Jongin-oppa? You are friends with Baekhyun-oppa?”

 

Jongin and Baekhyun throw each other a glance, before Jongin says in soft tone. “Yes, he is my bestfriends.” Baekhyun hides his smile.

 

A lady comes up to them, greeting them and all, but Kyungsoo somehow catches another person that he is sure, should have a pair of wings right now, but they are nowhere to be seen from the window. “Minseok.” he whispers.

 

Seulgi turns to him, the other still talking with the lady. “Oh! Oppa, you can see him?”

 

Oh, so Seulgi can see him too. “Yes, he is my friends.”

  
  


~

  
  


He makes his way outside, at the garden right beside the building, to where he knows the other is resting in one of the trees. “I can’t believe meeting you two here out of all place.”

 

“It's a surprise for both of us too!” Luhan cheers so loudly, standing up with Minseok as they hug him over the cold temperature.

 

“She is…” Kyungsoo glance at Seulgi from the same window before, trailing over her petite body.

 

“My cousin. She used to have a normal happy family, nothing was wrong when I left her. But then, her mother died and everything just goes down hill.” Minseok smiles, also following Seulgi’s movement.

 

Taken aback, Kyungsoo's eyes got wider. “You… have your memory back?”

 

Minseok chuckles, “Somehow, I have never lost the happy one ever. That's why I remember this idiot.”

 

Luhan disbelieves face is sure ugly. “Yah! Who are you calling idiot?!”

 

“Who else?” Minseok counters back, a smirk on his face.

 

Seeing them and remembering Yixing’s story that yes, they gain their memory of each other back and kind of a long way until they arrive here, he is also happy for them. “It’s nice, to have your memories, i’m happy for you, Minseok.”

 

Minseok takes his hand and squeeze it lightly. “You will find it eventually, Kyungsoo, don't worry, this idiot over here also find his after years.” the protective Luhan also put his hand above their hand and give it a squeeze, didn't want to be left out in the squeezing time.

 

“Kyungsoo?” someone calls from inside, Kyungsoo identified the voice as Jongin’s.

 

“Are they…”

 

Kyungsoo smiles with squisines, his eyes hiding behind his cheeks at last. “People I meet. They are very friendly and asked me to spend my time with them.”

 

“Isn't he the one that Yixing over to you? The one with blank paper?” Luhan asks as he looks over to Baekhyun who keeps turning his head right and left like he is searching for something  or someone.

 

“Oh, Baekhyun, yes he is. The paper starts to form some ink though.”

 

His name gets called again, even when he still wants to talk to Luhan and Minseok, he needs to be going back to his friends now. “I need to take my leave.”

 

“Of course, they are already waiting for you. Have a nice time, Kyungsoo.” Minseok waves his hand, Kyungsoo waves back

 

“Bye Soo!” Luhan shouts, his hand is high in the air waving at him and the other is slung into Minseok’s shoulder. They smile to each other before they part their way.

  
  


~ _I will be right here, Waiting._

 

_2018~_

  
  


“I will say that your taste is good, I should have take your advice since long ago.” Chanyeol says as he takes some popcorn that they have bought.

 

Chanyeol’ wish today is to watch movie together, but they let Jongin choose the movie, because according to Kyungsoo, Jongin does have a really great taste at movies.

 

“Well I don't regret rejecting all the old film tho.” Baekhyun pipes, also stuffing his mouth with the popcorn. The movie isn't over yet, but the climax is already over.

 

“You are saying not so secretly about star wars, aren't you, Baekhyun?”

 

“Maybe…”

 

“Star Wars marathon is on his list,”Kyungsoo _accidentally_ whisper loudly, remembering that particular word in the bear paper. Jongin whines to him for spoiling the secret.

 

“You must be kidding me!” Baekhyun whisper-shouting, the popcorn caramel that is in his hand fall to the floor due to his supriseness that he fall his hands back to the chair and turn to Jongin.

 

“Oh come on, you have Chanyeol’s pet-name from Star wars character.” Jongin teases.

 

“It doesn't count.”

 

“Yes it does.”

 

“Still-”

 

 _Ssshhhh_. Someone shut them from the row in front of them. The man turns around, clearly annoyed that the four of them have the ball to talk inside the studio. “Could you please shut- M-mr. Park?!” the man still. Chanyeol now has an incredulous expression.

 

"Oh Junmyeon, hello there."

 

The man stutter, getting red until his ears. "U-uhh… yes Mr. Park, it’s fancy seeing you here." Then Junmyeon turns again, his ears still red for shhh-ing his own boss.

 

Once the movie ends, Junmyeon stands and run in embarrassment. The four of them look at each other and burst out laughing.

  
  


_~The laughs between our space is what keeps me breathing_

 

_2018~_

  
  


Next day, very early in the morning they hop unto Chanyeol's car, going to grant Chanyeol’s wish. Which is to go to the beach and watch the sunrise. It's not a crazy wish, except when it's already in the twenties day of December.

 

It's going to be fun to freeze. They have brought like tons of towels with them, hopefully it could warm them if they really decided to dive their nose.

 

They did reach the beach five minutes before the sunrise. Sitting at the cold beach sand, shoulder to shoulder, they watch where the once dark sky starts to welcome orange hue from the horizon before the main guest greets them with it’s light.

 

Feeling content with the peace and cold breeze of morning, they smile to each other.

 

After the sun is already fifteen degree from the horizon, Baekhyun stands up, patting the dust from his clothes before he declares that he wants to feel the water.

 

Chanyeol gives him a disapproving look, a bit afraid Baekhyun will catch a cold.

 

Jongin doesn't seem to see it, he also stands up. "I will go with you." He says. Pausing after with fidgeting fingers, waiting for an approve from Baekhyun.

 

Baekhyun looks at him, a smile is formed, and he didn't hide it anymore. He gives his hand for Jongin to take, and once their hands are secure with each other, they run to where the water comes and goes. Scritching when the cold water touches their feet with them forget to take out their shoes nor to fold their pants.

 

They laughs with each other, splashing the water to each other face. They look happy. Their laughs and squeals could be heard even from where Kyungsoo and Chanyeol still seated.

 

“It's been so long since I saw them together.” Chanyeol says as his eyes trained on them, making sure that they are save.

 

Kyungsoo turns to him, he continues. “After our best friends departure, Jongin cut all of us and move out to live with our best friend's family. Taking care of uncle and auntie Jo. After he lost all of them, he never tried to live… He was still in his own world, furious at himself and blaming his leave on himself. Baekhyun, on the other hand keep in the denial that we will never see him again. He keep praying and wishing to be given second chance, he believes he is watching over us like always and if he believes enough, he will come back and just tell him that it was all a joke. Those two could not meet each other, Baekhyun will cry, and Jongin will blame himself again.

 

"It's like every friendship that we used to have vanished along with our best friends. But today, seeing them together, playing together like old time, miracles must have happened.”

 

Kyungsoo hums, taking the information inside. “What about you?”

 

“What about me?”

 

“If Baekhyun was in denial, Jongin in anger, then what about you?”

 

Chanyeol takes a minute of thinking before he answers. “Acceptance. I could imagine him coming to me with his petite body and beat the life out of me, saying something like to run after happiness and left him and our memories already. He will want that, I know. That's why, I keep trying to live." he laughs at the imagination of his _‘best friends_ ' coming to him, karate-ing his life out. “All my life, when I saw him then I will always saw smiles in his face. He didn't always have a good day but he always smile, in sunny and rainy day, he always smiled. Now that he is gone, who will? I need to keep his spirit in my heart.” Chanyeol smiles wide, now turning his head and me Kyungsoo’s eyes.

 

 _That's why you always smile?_ He wants to ask. But then, when will Chanyeol be really happy for real? His wish. Now Kyungsoo remember his wish, usually human will be happy when their wish is granted, right?

 

When he is looking at Chanyeol, his eyes land on a metal ring on his finger, bouncing the light of the sun that keeps moving. “The ring… wedd-”

 

“Engagement ring.” Chanyeol corrects him. Now his eyes turn to laughing Baekhyun once again.

 

“Oh, I thought you guys hav-”

 

“Has tried.” he cuts Kyungsoo again.

 

“Hmm?”

 

Chanyeol sighs softly, he supposes even when Kyungsoo didn't remember them, he has the right to know. “I proposed fourth time already, but he always rejects it. He said he has promise he needs to keep, so until that promise could be granted, I need to wait.” he clenches his hand, a bit insecure with telling this. He has proposed, four time, in different time and year, but yet, Baekhyun has never said yes until now, its all stuck with their engagement ring that they bought together when they finally move to their current apartment, precisely two months after graduating university.

 

Kyungsoo also turns his gaze, to the clear sky up in there. Wondering if his friends are taking care of him up there or if they are busy helping the elves. It's almost Christmas, they will be busy with every Christmas wish.

 

He breaths, a fog came out from his mouth because of the cold temperature receive his body temperature’s air. “You know, people always think that if their loved one is sad or angry, or in denial, they should give them the space they need. But then, have they ever thought of what the one they left think for that some time? When you give them the space that ‘they need’, it’s like letting go of their hand for the time being. You let them fix their own, bleeding but still fighting, and you will be back once they have fixed themselves with all their might, or they are done-have given up-.

 

"But then if they give up or changed, people will ask what did they do wrong? They have given their love one spaces they need, time to be alone. What did go wrong? Or worse, they start avoiding their loved one. What did go wrong maybe was when their loved one could not get up anymore, too tired scooping their fragments, there was no one lending hand, there was no one that shed their tears and said they are strong. Maybe that's why they give up. Because that _‘space’_ people like to give, but never to realize.

 

"They might need that time alone, but don’t let them alone until the end. Instead, go there, hold them, stay there, lend your hand to help them collect themselves, together. Let them know, that you are there, and they don't need to rush everything just so they could fix themselves, because you will not leave them, for some time or more.”

 

It stucks Chanyeol, because he never thinks in that way, he has never tried to understand it in that way of thinking. “Why are you telling me this?”

 

“I realized that lots of times, you gave this space to him. Thinking that he needs one, but Chanyeol. Does he really need it? He may reject you marrying him, but it doesn’t mean he doesn't want you anymore. He felt alone and you think it's a good time for him to think. What he really needs is you, not time. Don't hesitate to act like how it used to be, you don't need to change your way treating him after all his rejection. he will not break just because you act too friendly and loving like the old times, he will break if you act like the old time just stay in the past and now is another mather.”

 

He remembers seeing Baekhyun sending a longing stare to Chanyeol everytime without him realizing it, Chanyeol pulled his hand to fast, hugged too fast. He saw the eyes of Baekhyun crying inside, and Chanyeol that turn his head also hiding the same eyes. It’s breaking them both, but no one brave to speak up.

 

He stands, taking the penguin paper Jongin give him at their second day in Japan, saying it's fair enough if each of them has their own paper. He gives the paper out from his coat to Chanyeol’s hand. “Anyway, I don't really understand this extra note on the third wishes, but I think, its a note for you.” He smiles. “Don't disappoint your best friends.” then he runs

to join Baekhyun and Jongin.

 

Chanyeol inspects the paper. It's his first time seeing it up close because they promised not to spoil anything to each other. He searches for what Kyungsoo said as an extra note, and he did find it in the third point. Reading it, tears slipped from his eyes.

 

Because Kyungsoo not then not now, still think of them more than himself. He opens Chanyeol’s heart’s eyes, he tells him what's wrong but he didn't blame him for anything.

 

He sheds his tears, promising to Kyungsoo, himself, and Baekhyun that he will not disappoint them. Even to Jongin, because he knows Jongin will be his best man in his wedding.

  


_‘#3 Sightseeing at night. (That corgi love that. I better saw a golden ring on his finger at the end of the night, or I will castrate you yoda. I have promised to be his best man, so you better take care of him or I will take care of you.)’_

  
  


~

  
  


Coming back from the beach in the morning is such a heart warming feels to them. They ate breakfast at some family resto that they found in their way back home. And it just felt so right with them talking, laughing, and smiling like nothing is holding them back.

 

It's not like their first days anymore, when everything was unsure and lots of things was awkward. This is a real happiness they find in themselves.

 

Baekhyun’s paper already has lots strokes of gray ink. It can’t be read yet, but Kyungsoo knows that Baekhyun finally finds his dream, his hope, his wish. And he is in the way to said(write) it out loud. Kyungsoo believes in that.

 

The wish after the beach is just a simple one that comes from the penguin paper. It's just _‘Let Jongin and Chanyeol rest.’_

 

So after taking another shower because they must have smelled like lots of iodine water, Chanyeol just fall his body to the futon in the living room. Sleeping and taking a rest for his sore muscles. They need to thank him for driving them this entire trip.

 

Baekhyun comes and cuddles with Chanyeol’s sleeping body, TV is on but just be their background music. They look so peaceful and happy, Kyungsoo is happy to see the little smiles on both of their faces.

 

He has finished the second book yesterday, and now he is already at half of the third. The _Paper._

 

He still read the script version Baekhyun gave him because he loves to read the little comments Baekhyun add sometimes.

When everyone was still asleep, he will wake up at midnight and read the books that he has come to love. Also for the record, he found out that Jongin also has the copies of that book in his room. Their friendship must be deep Kyungsoo thinks to himself.

 

Jongin is laying down near Chanyeol and Baekhyun, at the opposite side to not really disturb their cuddle because he is just reading a book like Kyungsoo.

 

When the sun is near its peak, Kyungsoo thinks to make some hot chocolate for them to drink. So he put down the book and goes to the kitchen. Jongin trails after him, asking what he wanna do.

 

Jongin helps him to find the chocolate and prepare the cups, it has become colder with each passing they so hot chocolate is really a good choice for them.

 

Kyungsoo melts the chocolate and pours it unto the cups half way. He thinks adding milk would be better so he asks Jongin if they have any.

 

They do, but the fresh milk must be opened by scissors. Kyungsoo remembers he saw one in the desk of Jongin’s room so he said to Jongin that he will go get it.

 

He gets the scissors, but his eyes also catch another thing. It’s a phone, placed at the corner of one box where he gets the scissors too.

 

When he inspect it, he finds out that its turned off. Out of curiosity he turns it on like how he sees Baekhyun did to his phone when they are still in the Japan.

 

Magically, the phone is not run out of battery, and successfully being turned on by Kyungsoo.

 

Unstoppable shudder comes once the phone on. Notification floods from new messages and missed calls, all come from the same number.

 

Kyungsoo frowns, the number is not identified as anyone’s name, but when he opens the latest message that comes last night, he found out that its Jongin’s mother.

 

From what Chanyeol said, Jongin did come to live with his best friend's family, but Kyungsoo didn't know that his family is still alive.

 

He stuffed the phone into his pocket, determined to give it to Jongin.

 

When he is in the stairs, he saw the family photo hanged at the wall. A family of five. The parents was seated in the chair and was laughing so hard that their eyes disappear. Behind them, threw boys stood. One is Jongin for sure, he is also laughing with his white teeth on display, eyes trained on the two people.

 

The buffer man was holding a petite man, his arms lock the petite man’s head, taking him down jokingly around and laughing. The petite man’s upper face hidden by the other’s arm, but his laughing mouths ad squishy cheeks didn't get hidden. They all look happy.

 

Kyungsoo arrives to the kitchen with Jongin already in the dining table, eyes on the cup of hot chocolate.

 

He sits in front of him and with careful voice he asks, “Where are they now?”

 

Jongin gave him a confused face. “Who?”

 

“Your family…” Kyungsoo point at one of the portraits that also hangs in the kitchen, it must be taken at the same time as the portrait before, but this portrait only contain an old woman and an old man, the three men from before is not there.

 

Jongin follows his finger, once he finds the portrait, he smiles sadly. “They aren't… They are my best friends’, mine doesn't really feel like one, so I used to come here and this family always take care of me, treating me like their own son. They have… gone. My best friends died in a car accident. Since then on I start living here, taking care his family, or more, his family were the one who takes care of me. Uncle died one year after due to heart attack. Auntie… she suffered enough and one day, she just didn't wake up anymore.” he shakes his head. “Hyung doesn't live here, and I just… Auntie said to take care of this house, so I stay.”

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

Jongin smiles once again, feeling the irony. “Thank you.”

 

Kyungsoo’s hand reach up to him, he intertwined their hand, making Jongin stunned by the act. "The thing with human being is to forget or ignore what they currently have. All the thought is that it will last forever, there will be no end to it, because of that small mind, human didn't cherish every aspect and gift before them.

 

"People like to say that we don't know someone is important until it's all too late. The thing is, you have known they were there all along but you think, you could have them forever. That's why you act like all the little things you share together were just not important enough, like their anger, sadness, flood of emotion, small talks and their attitude. But then, when they were gone, you start to remember and realize what you let pass, the little audible sighs in the end everytime you shoved them away, the second where their smiles fade away that have been caught by the tail of your eyes, the tears that come out out of nowhere that have no chance to fall because they shed it faster, and the soft whisper asking for help. You will just realize it then, because there will be no more. And those memories that used to be nothing important will be the only thing that's left for you.

 

"It's not about how they treated you, how you hate them or how they made things just worsen, it’s about forgiving, accepting and cherishing, because you are part of their life as well as they are part of yours even if you don't want it.

 

“Before it's too late, say your love to them.” Kyungsoo smiles. Jongin heart throbs.

 

“To whom?”

 

“Your family.” then Kyungsoo slides the phone he found earlier, placing it in Jongin’s hand and exit the kitchen.

  
  


~

  
  


“Hello? Kim speaki-”

 

“Mother? I-it’s me…” he chokes.

 

The pause before her mother voice break is very heartbreaking. “Jongin…?”

 

“Yeah, it’s me… mother, it’s me… how are you?” tears slip out from Jongin’s eyes. Her mother voice sounds different from the last time Jongin hear it. Her mother sounds broken, sound tired.

 

In her voice tear slips, in her voice, venom long gone, in her voice, tired show up with old age in hand. “I-am happy… Jongin, thank you...” and she sounds happy.

  
  


~

  
  


When he gets to the living room with one hot chocolate without any milk because he forgets to open it, he found Baekhyun whining in his sleep to Chanyeol.

 

He whines about the valentine chocolate, strawberry flavoured that must have been in sell right now even when its still december. He says he wants to eat it and in their sleeping state, Chanyeol nods saying _‘okay, tomorrow.’_ then reach to hug Baekhyun. Then they go to sleep again.

 

Kyungsoo thinks he can go check those chocolate for Baekhyun, he needs to buy some chocolate for drink too anyway.

 

Taking his coat and wallet that is full of infinity money by Yunho, he walks out from the house to the store near there.

 

He is only walking not to long when he saw an old man, standing but holding unto the tree beside him, he seems tired and not strong enough to stand tall again. He stood at the road just some house beside Jongin’s.

 

Kyungsoo runs up and helped the old man as fast as he can. Taking a hot pack that Baekhyun always slipped in his coat then giving it to the man’s hand. “Are you okay, uncle?”

 

The man looks up. “Yes, I’m okay, just a bit tired.” and his eyes do say the same.

 

Kyungsoo stays by his side, patting and hold the man’s hand so he will not fall if anything. “Better?”

 

The man smiles. “Yes, thank you, kid.”

 

He turns his attention to the land right in front of them, across the road. His eyes waters. “When I was still a high schooler, I impregnated my girlfriend. I really love her, and since she doesn't have a family anymore I felt fully responsible, so I take her as my wife. My family was furious and decided to disowned me right there. It was a really hard time for both of us, to keep my wife in healt for the sake of our baby, and for us to search a shelter for our little family. I was a really fine young man at that time, thanks to my young self who keep a saving, we could buy this little old house. Every day I work day and night, for us to buy food and to pay the installment of the house.

 

"My workplace started to raise my income thanks to my hardwork, and by the time our baby was born, we have enough for months. Three months I take off to really care for my wife and our newborn son. But then, when I was ready to go back work, the company has decided to close due to some corruption that made them to the point of bankruptcy.

 

"With economy grows, it started to become harder for me who just a high school graduated to find a fine job. And it was just so hard that I start taking my own anger to my family.”

 

The man pause. As if giving Kyungsoo to run after he hear the man’s sudden confession. But Kyungsoo did not.

 

“Our little boy, the first time I see him, I have decided to protect his life no matter what. With my wife tearing up happy tears, I just found in myself to protect them. But at the end, I hurt them. My own frustration taking over me, and I don't even have the right to tell my excuse, my wife died because of my own hand, and my son to where I don't know. After getting out of the jail, I tried to find my son, I want to apologize and maybe, make everything a little right. I will work hard, I will do anything, I will not take my anger to him, I will just love him and fulfill my old promise when he first comes to this world. But I can't find him anywhere, the foster care never once want to tell me where did he go, I searched our all neighbour to ask if they know anything, but twenty years seems enough to make almost the entire complex to change.

 

"No one seems to know me, and even if they know, they said they will call the police if I ever come again." He sighs, shaking his head in the process.

 

"This is our old house, used to be. Four years ago, just as I was freed, I come here and find the house has turn into debrisess. Every christmas and middle of January I come here, hoping that I could find my son, could met him, maybe gave him a little christmas and birthday present I successfully buyed with my pay from my hard work. But until now, he is nowhere to be seen, I don't even know how he looks like right now, if he is okay, if he is doing fine, if he is happy…” tears rolled from him, Kyungsoo give him a tissue he find in his pocket(must be Baekhyun’s doing once again). The man accept it gladly.

 

“I just… I have never told him that I love him, he may will never forgive me who took his mother away, I should have just work harder and harder, but instead I take it on them… I just… I missed him, I remember his first smile to me, his first word calling me ‘pa’, his little hand reaching for me when I come home, and when he start to grow up but he never said anything to me changing, he justs seems to get it and still love me, and now, how could he know that I love him if it's all too late…” his voice getting weaker at the end.

 

Kyungsoo stares at him. “I believe your son has forgiven you. And he must be happy to know that you have loved him since the start.”

 

The man smiles, and pat Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “Thank you kid, I’m not sure he will ever know it, but thank you…” He checks his old worn watch in his hand and turns to Kyungsoo. “It's getting late and colder, you should go home too, kid, I should take my leave now. Thank you again, kid, and Merry Christmas.”

  
  


~

  
  


Most of the times, his mother is a caring and loving person. Aside from her fear to her husband, she still defended Kyungsoo and takes half of the scars Kyungsoo should bear, given by his father. At nights she still comes into Kyungsoo’s room to recited Kyungsoo some children stories her mother used to tell her.

 

Most of the times, she is the strongest person Kyungsoo has ever seen in his life. But at some points, she cried river of blood, shouting her heart out and blaming him for all the reason behind their poor life.

 

 _“Mistake… You are a mistake…”_ She used to mumble. Blade in her wrist and red seeming out from her skin.

 

Kyungsoo never blames her or hating on her. The scars from her mother always itch the worst, reminding him on how much her mother has endured. He believes his mother just couldn't take everything and throw some pieces of her depression on him.

 

If she just throw some pieces to him and it's already worst enough, then what about his mother? It’s must be a lot more painful for her, he thinks.

 

Because of that kind of mind that Kyungsoo believes he should be strong too, like her mother, so he could bear more for her, so she could share more to him, so her mother at least would be freed, even just a little, from her inner dark self.

 

If he could be strong, he could bear pieces that were thrown at him because of people that could not bear it. If he is strong enough, he may help people out, not just his mother.

 

One night, his drunk father come home to no dinner. They have no food left. His father took it on him and start punching him, taking the nearest thing in his reach to hit Kyungsoo’s little crouching body again.

 

What his father found is an empty glass bottle. That night her mother was at her strong day, she tried to save Kyungsoo by taking the bottle from his father but his father’s grip is too strong. His father shook her from his hand, making her fall to the ground, the bottle hitting the wall and shattered.

 

But he still has the bottle’s mouth and half of its body in his hold, not realizing that the end of the bottle is very sharp. He raised it to Kyungsoo and just in time when Kyungsoo think it's all over, her mother come and hug him.

 

The bottle’s make contact with her neck, and when she finally holds Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo could feel blood seeping out from her mother and making a wet sensation to his skin near her neck.

 

He was not strong at that time. But he wants to become one. So he will not see someone he loves, disappear right in front of him with him could do anything.

 

His past is not the best out there, not the most inspiring out there, and it's a good thing that he forgets it. But now...

  
  


~

  
  


“I believe your son has forgiven you. And he must be happy to know that you have loved him since the start.”

 

“Thank you kid, I’m not sure he will ever know it, but thank you…” the man smiles, and Kyungsoo feels his knees going weak. The pats he receives seems lighter than he ever expects it to be. “It's getting late and colder, you should go home too, kid, I should take my leave now. Thank you again, kid, and Merry Christmas.” then the man goes, not hearing what Kyungsoo whispers.

 

“Merry Christmas. I love you too, appa.” _And I'm happy to finally see you again._

  


~

  


"Jongin," his mother hesitates, "Tomorrow is Christmas."

 

Jongin hums, already guessing to where this will lead to. "If you have time, let’s grab some dinner and celebrate it together." Her mom sounds scared but full of hope. Maybe she is scared to be rejected. And she is right.

 

"I’m sorry, _mom_ ," It's his first time calling his mother with such familiarity, just like when he sometimes called auntie Jo as 'mom' and she will lit up and bouncing in her happiness. He remembers the smile in her eyes. He glances to the living room from where he is still seated at the dining table. Chanyeol and Baekhyun are sprawled at the futon, Baekhyun whimpering some puppy sound and Chanyeol snores loudly. "I don't like going to any party anymore."

 

"No! No, I mean… we have stopped throwing party, it will be just us, me, you, your father and grandpa." Jongin surprised at that, because that is a really big different from his old family that he knows, family that wants to keep their image up and get every opportunity to do so.

 

The front door get open and the creek of the old door signals someone present. Kyungsoo come to his vision, plastic bag in his hand and he takes a what seems to be chocolate covered in pink paper and place it at the table nearest Chanyeol and Baekhyun. "Jongin?" Her mom voice brings him back from his staring.

 

Just in time, Kyungsoo turn his attention and lock his gaze with Jongin as he smiles. It felt like a rose bloom inside his heart. "I… I will visit you soon, but tomorrow," he smiles back to Kyungsoo, "I already have a promise with my best friends."

 

Her mother must be smiling as she says to give her greetings for them, wishing Jongin a Merry Christmas and closing the phone call with a promise of him coming home soon.

  
  


_~Looking back, I saw myself. Maybe I’ve changed, maybe I haven’t. Maybe this is who I was from the beginning, maybe I’ve become another person. Maybe my preference is still the same, but maybe not. Maybe… maybe… I used to love you. And it isn’t a maybe that until now, it is still the same._

 

_29 November 2021~_

  
  


The night comes. After their daydream, they drive to the nearest hill in the complex where they found clear place to see the night sky without any tall building in the way. They did find it.

 

Just five minutes since they sit down at the fabric that they have brought, Kyungsoo stands. “Oh my, I need to go to the bathroom for a hour.”

 

“What…?” Baekhyun asks with weird tone.

 

“Jongin, come and accompany me, I'm scared of this darkness.” he takes Jongin hand and the man stands too.

 

“Kyungsoo, you aren't scared of darkness.” now Baekhyun really gave them a look.

 

Kyungsoo doesn't know what to answer, so he just runs with his and Jongin’s hand intertwined.

  
  


~

  
  


“Your acting was so messed up.” Jongin supplies. Kyungsoo just laughs.

 

“As long as we made it, I don't really care.”

 

“It’s for them right?”

 

Kyungsoo turn to him, their hand still gripping each other. “You read the note at the penguin paper? I feel responsible to help your bestfriends’ wish become true. And most of all, I believe they deserve it.”

 

“Yeah…” Jongin agrees.

 

They walk at the feet of the hill, only walking around to kill the time. “Do you… like stars?” Kyungsoo asks, his face lifting up to see some bright stars shining over the night.

 

“I'm not.”

 

“Oh…”

 

“At first, I didn't like it but then someone change this perspective of mine. He said that stars maybe deaf, turning blind eye to everyone when they ask for help in the night, but sometimes that's the only things people could search for. Little light that light their way, little thing that wins over the darkness.”

 

“That's very, poetic.” Kyungsoo laughs once again.

 

Jongin squeezes his hand. “You think so?”

 

“I know so.” Kyungsoo smiles. Jongin replies the smile.

 

_Of course, you wrote it._

  
  


~

  
  


_“That yoda hasn't proposed?”_ Kyungsoo half-shouts.

 

Baekhyun sighs and rolls his body in Kyungsoo’s bed _. “Nope, I don't ever think he will ever actually.”_

 

_“What?! No, Baek, why are you thinking so?”_

 

He pointed at his face. _“Kyungsoo… Just look at me… I'm not worth it, he has lots of option out there that are more compatible than me. He will never.”_

 

Silent coat the room until Kyungsoo ask. _“If you are married, I will be your best man, right?”_

 

_“Of course you will, I will never marry someone if you are not my best man anyway, I will piss myself in the altar.”_

 

 _“What's with that?”_ Kyungsoo shoved Baekhyun playfully as he laughs at the joke. Or not a joke, Baekhyun will really piss in his pants. _“But Baek, hear me out, it's not about how compatible someone could be with him, you love him, and you know he loves you so much, right?”_ at Baekhyun’s nods, he smiles. _“Then fuck everyone.”_

 

Baekhyun mouth hangs open, mot believing Kyungsoo cursing. Because it's kinda rare. _“Alright, fuck everyone as long as you are my bestman. It's a promise, right?"_

 

 _“That's the spirit! I promise.”_ then Baekhyun throw himself at Baekhyun, both of them hugging in that night.

 

 _“This is weird, as if we are the one who will be married.”_ Baekhyun jokes and Kyungsoo agrees with him.

  
  


~

  
  


That night, he is once again awake late at night. Chanyeol, Baekhyun and Jongin fast asleep. But today, he didn't take the book for him to read again, he goes to the portrait at the stair and caress it softly.

 

"Auntie, Uncle, I'm sorry that I forget you. I never really think that I will regain my memories, I have been given the second chance to live and how could I ask more? But God seems to have another plan,

 

"Today I met my father, he has changed. He told me he love us, and i see his dedication to our old little family. He must have it hard, to lose us and he didn't even know where am I or to whom he should ask for help.

 

"Today too, Chanyeol finally proposed Baekhyun to marry him. Baek even cried, when I met them I thought that giant did something awful to our puppy, but the truth Baek was so happy that he tear up and Chanyeol still that awkward boy who dont know what to do other than hug him. They both looks so happy to the point I believe you will tear up too if you saw them.

 

"It must be God’s work to bring me back here, granting the wishes in our old times to have each other and just enjoy our life.

 

"I… I haven't remember everything, most of what is in my head right now is blur of abstract colors. But I do remember him, remember you, Jungsuk hyung, Baekhyun and Chanyeol, Jongin. Not entirely but at least I remember.

 

"Uncle, thank you for accepting me in the family, thank you for your hard work to fed us all, including me who is just a stranger. Thank you for caring about me all the time. For giving some pats in my shoulder when everything seems to weight down. You have never talk much, but I know deep down how much you care. Thank you for defending me and my family when the neighbours keep saying untruth things behind my back, thank you for believing in me with everything that you have. Thank you for raising your voice when I was late to come back home, i thought you was so mad at me but when I saw your eyes, i just know its my fault to worry you. Thank you for giving me a ride for the first day of school, thank you for smiling to me every time you could. Thank you for being the bones of _our_ family.

 

"Auntie, I remember you. I saw you and I was the one who granted your wish. The song you sang right here, in front of mine and uncle’s stone, now is the favourite song of mine. Thank you for loving me, for all the breakfast you prepared before I go to school, for every cheek kiss I receive before going, for every welcome home once i come back. Thank you for crying for me when I can't. Thank you for every proud smile you gave me in my accomplishments. Thank you for keeping strong and radiant for me. For showing love my family has never have a chance to give. Thank you for letting me become a part of you. I know you always disappointed every time I called you auntie, as if we are not close enough for me to trust you. Im sorry that until the last time I could not call you like how Jungsuk hyung call you but thank you for keep treating me like your own son.

 

"Uncl- _Father, mother,_ thank you for everything. I love you." Then he cries, crouching his body, hiding his face between his palms and try so hard to not be too loud and wake anyone.

  
  


_~Human is not all paranormal. That's why sometimes you gotta be bold._

_Speak the words, because they may finally understand._

_2021~_

  
  


“This wouldn't work.” Jongin sighs. Their kitchen counter is currently full of various ingredients that make his head dizzy just by remembering each of their names.

 

Yes, it is Jongin’s wish to cook together bet exclude the chef (Kyungsoo) which is a terrible mistake because they are just potatoes compared to Kyungsoo’s cooking skill.

 

“Oh shut up, Jongin. We will work this out! Where is your spirit?!” Chanyeol says with his boisterous voice. In his hand is two pieces of boneless chicken

 

“ _You_ will, Chanyeol, but it will still end as a disaster. I will not make it from the start.” Jongin whines, not believing his younger self decided that this is the best idea to include on the wish list.

 

“I will take that as a compliment.”

 

“We have Kyungsoo here, so we surely could do it!” Baekhyun cheer, butter and sugar in his hand.

 

“No, Baekhyun, the purpose is to cook something for Kyungsoo, he will just sit there and relax.” Jongin supplies. Baekhyun’s face falls right away “Oh… we are doomed…”

 

“I know right…” Jongin agrees to that and sighs along with Baekhyun.

 

“Hey! Where does your confident go?!” Chanyeol asks not believing his best friends.

 

Baekhyun put the butter and sugar on the desk, sighing _again._ “It just flies away.”

  
  


~

  
  


“Are you sure that's the salt?”

 

“Yes, Chanyeol. This is the salt.”

 

“Why do we need cocoa when we are making veggie?”

 

“That was chocolate?”

 

“Well, yes…”

 

“Oh my, I thought that was palm sugar…”

 

“Do we even need palm sugar?”

 

“I read on the internet that we could fix it with pineapple!”

 

“Pineapple? Isn't that to help onion become softer?”

 

“Onion need to be softened first?”

 

“Why does this egg is hairy?”

 

“Where?”

 

“This one.”

 

“It’s a jew plum!”

 

“Korea have that kind of veggie?”

 

“Its a fruit, Chanyeol.”

 

“No way! It’s an egg!”

 

Kyungsoo that has been ordered to just sit at the dining table can feel his vein popping and popping out. “This is what happens when you all just eat instant food and take out. Let me take over!” he shouts loudly.

 

At the end, Jongin’s wish stab him backward, they still eat from Kyungsoo’s cooking. But it's fun, having flour fight with their face having white powder, hands wet from the failed breaking eggs.

  
  


~

  
  


“So I will just assume that this wish is the one for yourself? Because I remember none of us agreed on this kind of marathon ever.” Chanyeol grumps over.

 

With Kyungsoo’s food giving life to their stomach, now they did the second last wish that is still available. Which is from Jongin again.

 

“This is the only way to make you guys watch old movies.” Jongin seems proud of his decision. They are cuddled together at the sofa, four of them, watching star wars marathon with hot chocolate in the nearest table, and some popcorn they bought poured in a big bowl and place at Baekhyun and Kyungsoo’s tight since they are in the center of the cuddle.

 

“I don't really mind,” Kyungsoo says, smiling because he kind of found its endearing with all this imagination.

 

Baekhyun, remembering his devil side, snorts. “This is boring, so maybe work as lullaby too.”

 

Jongin looks very offended. “It's not boring!” he shouts but now Chanyeol also joins Baekhyun in snorting. “Honestly? Why do lots of people like this kind of movie?”

  
  


~

  
  


The last wish they need to achieve somehow is the easiest and they actually already gain it from the start. _‘Sleepover and just be together.’_ is written at the last point of the penguin paper.

 

So they lay down on the futon earlier than any other day. Sprawled here and there, shoulder touching each other. “This is really fun, our trip, our bucket list,” Chanyeol says, smiling in content.

 

“It is.”

 

Jongin takes the nearest hand in his reach and caress it. Of course it's Kyungsoo because Jongin sleeps beside Kyungsoo and the wall. “We should do this more, together.”

 

“Yeah!” Baekhyun shouts and laughing at his own shouts that crack at the end because how excited he is.

 

Sleep taking over, Kyungsoo still avails whispers. “I wish this day will never end…”

  
  


~

  
  


He is awakened late at midnight once again. Telling himself that he should check the papers, he got up slowly and make his way to Jongin’s room. Not wanting to awake them by the flips of any papers.

 

When he saw Baekhyun’s paper have more ink than before, he smiles, relaxing because knowing that Baekhyun finally finds what he is looking for.

 

He put the leather book down. Thinking that he can use this time to read again. Just then he remembers that he left the script version in the first floor, and not wanting to take the chance of waking them, Kyungsoo decide its okay to read the book version Jongin have in his book rack.

 

He knows he is already at the almost end part of the book, so he sits on the bed and opens the book.

 

A picture falls from the book. Kyungsoo curiously takes the photo and see it.

 

It's a polaroid of four men,  smiling, and hugging each other. Its Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Jongin and… him?

 

Below is written in his own handwriting _‘best friends.’_

  


Everything crash back to him.

  
  


~

  
  


The first chance of Jongin was when he comes back to Kyungsoo’s home, drunk, after a really tiring day, he was so tired of everything and he just could not keep it inside anymore. Uncle and Auntie were out from the town, visiting their family in the other town.

 

When he knocked and call Kyungsoo’s name, he opened the door right after it, seeming to panic over Jongin state. Red eyes, blotchy pink cheeks and tear stain across down of gravity.

 

He slinged Jongin’s arm to his own shoulder, helping him to walk to the sofa in the living room. Once Jongin is laid there, Kyungsoo runs to fetch some water, also preparing for a simple soup for Jongin.

 

Really, Jongin wasn’t that drunk, he was just too upset that maybe he looks that pathetic. Kyungsoo really did take care of him a lot, seeing him running here and there, asking if Jongin feel alright or not just weigh his heart more. Why couldn't his family be like Kyungsoo?

 

He was not drunk anymore, but maybe little bit of the alcohol did affect him. When Kyungsoo was holding the glass of water for him, Jongin asked if he could just lay down beside Jongin. Kyungsoo looks confused before he relents and scooted into the not so big old sofa.

 

It was ordinary for them to sleep side by side, but it’s not when Jongin out of his mind started to wander his hands around. Kyungsoo did not reject his movement. He wanted to blame it on the alcohol when at the midnight and everything was too hot, both of them panting and locking eyes with each other, that Jongin takes Kyungsoo to his room, locking the door and slept the night with them. Only the creak of the wooden bed and moans from the smaller that echo in the room that night. Plus Jongin’s name got called so many times, between shouts, moans and groans, and Kyungsoo’s name too, in a little strangled voice and words.

 

Jongin believes, he wanted that night to last forever. To have someone in his arm and someone he could hold on to. He was stupid to think he can find the similiar warm in anyone, but Kyungsoo. He was stupid to let go.

 

The next morning, Jongin woke up to Kyungsoo’s ceiling. He found that he is not naked. At least he was using a boxer, which he believed was put on him by Kyungsoo. His side was empty, the whole room was empty, he panicked that he runs to the first floor.

 

At the kitchen, he found Kyungsoo with his apron was making a fried rice. He smiled up the brightest when he realized Jongin was already awake. He greeted him and Jongin has never actually seen Kyungsoo this happy.

 

They ate in silence. Kyungsoo keeps smiling at him. When he shyly brought up about last night, Jongin stupidly ask what happened, he was panicking over because he is not clear with himself yet, he didn't want to talk about it that morning.

 

Kyungsoo's crestfallen face will forever attach to his heart, remembering him how he passes the first chance for having Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo never brought that night up ever again.

  
  


_~In the night, I felt like I'm the happiest person in the world._

_Next morning I realized that Mr. sadness was tired of me yesterday,_

_So he let me have some little happiness._

_Now he comes back with full force_

 

_2021~_

  
  


The table is set. Lots of people sit right next to each other in that long rectangular table. The dinner is right in front of them, all the utensils and plate of the main course has arrived. A mouthwatering grilled beef with such an aesthetic in its whole plate. Kyungsoo is not interested tho.

 

The little voice in his head keeps saying that he should have listened to Baekhyun. He has prepared for this day, wearing his best suits he has, being ready one hour before the promised hour Jongin will fetch him just to receive a short message at the last minute that Jongin can't fetch him and he needed to come by himself. And now, all night since he arrived until now, what he heard is Mrs. Kim not so subtly attacking him whenever she could.

 

Now they are seated right before each other, he can't avoid her eyes or voice anymore. Jongin is right beside him, but it seems like he is too preoccupied with Kim’s guest, a beautiful young lady with her cold beauty.

 

Amber said her name is Krystal. She said her name with a care, and tint of sadness, Kyungsoo knows what's going on. He has known Amber since uni time when she was part of the music department that likes to come to the literature place to ask them guide where their lyrics from homework could get expanded or narrowed to.

 

Kyungsoo knows that there is this _girl_ that Amber like. Nothing could be said though, both come from the high part of society. So nothing could be done. In Asia, trading love for family is absurd. Especially when their family treats them well, like in Amber’s and _this girl_ ’s case.

 

He is just so thankful that Amber’s family mansion is near Jongin’s, so of course she will get invited too. Either as a neighbour or business partner. At least Kyungsoo has someone he knows. The Park is having vacation on Jeju, and cant make it for tonight. Means no Mr. Park, Mrs. Park, Yoora, Chanyeol and Baekhyun.

 

He and Amber occasionally made a small talk about how things were going, friends they both know and how they are doing right now, really, both of them seems to have the same intention this night, which is to survive and just over it already.

 

Their small talks always got interrupted by the loud voice of Mrs. Kim of course. It's like she is really showing herself inside to cut Kyungsoo’s talk with anyone.

 

Like now, she has nudged her husband and Mr. Park nods. In his expensive silk black suit, he lifts the wine glass and a fork, making them touch twice, a sound of glass and a metal clashing softly brought everyone’s attention to him

 

He smiles. "We are very happy that tonight has gone well and all of this successful dinner wouldn't be complete without the presence of our guests." Everyone has put down the fork and knife, clapping along with him. "Now for the main reason of this celebration, we would kindly ask for your blessing on our children, Jongin and Krystal who is now officially exclusive."

 

Bloods drain from both Kyungsoo and Amber’s face. Kyungsoo flinch when he heard Jongin, who sits right next to him, laughing shyly. "Both families has been really happy to know about them and we decided, there's nothing we need to wait anymore! So in next January, they will have their wedding be done." Everyone claps once again but Kyungsoo. He stays there as the entire table start to congratulate the couple beside him.

 

 _Why am I here_ …

 

His mind is brought to life once again when Mrs. Kim with her mischievous voice said, "Ah, I’m so happy, son. All the day offs we gave you in the past months worth for every date you two have that brought you to this point."

 

_‘Day off’? But-_

 

"Yes, mother, thank you for your consideration," Jongin said, smiling, a slim hand of women circling with his above the table. Her mother smiled gleefully following their hand’s movement

 

"You should have done this sooner. If not for some dirty people taking your precious time where you actually can become more successful… you two can even have a child by now." She glances to Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo fully knows what she is indicating.

 

He waits for tan hand reaching his, maybe giving a little squeezes, but no, Amber was the one who takes his left hand under the table and squeeze it. Jongin? He just smiles at his mother. And that's what breaks Kyungsoo apart.

 

He is Jongin’s best friend, isn't he? Should he at least know that his bestfriends is getting married, or is meeting a woman? What about days off? He has been avoided for months, and his innocence brain keeps believing that Jongin is just too busy with his work. Why does Jongin invite him by the way? To get abandoned alone in here? To hear his mother said everything she could say without protecting Kyungsoo at all? Or is it just to see him become happy but breaking Kyungsoo’s own? Ah… this is getting too far.

 

Once the dinner is done and all people start to enjoy the party, Kyungsoo did wait for Jongin to greet him or something or anything! Maybe explain things? But he did not.

 

Kyungsoo saw Jongin, hand in hand with Krystal to the balcony. Not even a glance he spares for Kyungsoo. He catches Amber’s eyes, looking like she wants to apologize, but for what? She didn't do anything wrong.

 

He gets out from that house, no one realizes it except Mrs. Kim and Amber.

 

He really should has listened to Baekhyun.

  
  


_~This is getting too far_

_I'm getting too broken_

_I'm getting too tired_

 

_13 Dec 2021~_

  
  


The door to his office slammed open harshly. "WHAT TH- Baekhyun?" The person-Baekhyun- already right in front of him, rage in his expression. Jongin has never seen the smaller this mad.

 

He didn't have time to ask anything when Baekhyun walk right to his way, taking his collar until Jongin half stand and throw a strong punch to his cheek. "YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" It’s sting. That's for sure. He swears he can feel a taste of iron in his tongue when he licks his lips.

 

"Wha-" once again he receives a stronger punch to the same cheeks. Baekhyun’s left hand still grasping his collar, and his right hand once again is already up in the air. But then Chanyeol and Suho come to the room, with easiness Chanyeol take Baekhyun away from him, Suho right beside Jongin and asking if he is okay. He certainly is not.

 

"How do you feel? How do you feel after breaking his heart? Huh?!" Baekhyun rebels, trying to break free from Chanyeol’s hold. "I TRUSTED YOU! I know he was hurting but I still trust you to fix things! I trusted my best friend to you! I trusted you because he trusted you! But where do you throw our trust away?! In the fucking garbage can!" He shouts at the top of his lungs, the security now merge into the room, trying to take a hold of Baekhyun, but Chanyeol pushed them away, not letting anyone touch him.

 

"For all the things he has do for you, has he ever ask anything back?! Has he ever?! I HATE YOU! WHY DO YOU NEED TO DO THESE?!" Jongin is loss. Why does Baekhyun punch him? He hasn't seen the smaller for months, he is sure he didn't do anything to trigger him.

 

Unless, of course, "Kyungsoo gonna move away. I think you need to talk with him." Chanyeol sighs. He takes Baekhyun and lifts him to his shoulder, making their way outside even when Baekhyun keeps saying that he still wants to talk.

 

The securities and Suho who is Chanyeol’s secretary keep asking if they need to take him to the hospital or anything. He didn't focus on them tho, what keeps repeating in his head is the word of leaving and Kyungsoo.

  
  


_~I think I have been running_

_all along_

_from my own darkness_

_to yours_

 

_Now, I just realized_

_my darkness_

_has never ever_

_let me go_

 

_15 November 2021~_

  
  


"Why will you go?"

 

"Jongin–"

 

" _Why will you go?_ " Jongin repeats. He is tired, he thought after knowing from Baekhyun in not the best way he can hope of, Kyungsoo did not contact him until now.

 

All the old messages and calls that he always ignores every day now didn't come anymore. He tried calling Kyungsoo, but the latter didn't answer it. He even came to the Jo, but auntie said Kyungsoo didn't want to meet anyone at the time.

 

The last choice Jongin have is to wait at the park where they used to meet up every christmas eve before they go to the Park mansion or to sleep at the Jo. Jongin just hoped Kyungsoo will be there even when this year they didn't make any promise about their ritual christmas eve.

 

Kyungsoo is really there, standing and doing nothing, so Jongin comes and asks him what he has been itching to say.

 

What follows is silence.

 

"You didn't need me anymore," Kyungsoo breaths out, voice small and brittle in the wind, breaking on nothing.

 

Anger hits Jongin first, and so he snaps back, "Why would you say that? You should know that I always need you!”

 

Tears stream down Kyungsoo’s face. It was the automatic reaction whenever someone raised their voice at him, and he flinches, hands curling into fists as he wills himself to respond. “What’s there to understand? It’s obvious you don’t need me anymore. We never meet up, you never reply to my texts or calls. Y-you–” He sniffs, voice hiccuping over the sound. “You decided to marry the woman your parents chose for you, over me, when I’ve been here for you all along.”

 

“But it–”

 

"I was there. I was there all along because I saw myself in you and I never want you to feel what I did." Alone, depressed, as though nothing ever really matters and there’s no escaping this hopeless, dark place.

 

He tried once, leaving deep scars in his wrists after the attempt, but it didn’t save him.

 

As Kyungsoo speaks his heart thrums so loudly he can hear it rushing past his ears. His rib cage feels like it’s about to burst, and he holds his fist against his chest to keep his heart there.

 

He never thought Jongin would be the one to leave him in this dark place.

 

"Kyungsoo, I–" Jongin starts, but is cut off when Kyungsoo sniffles and resumes.

 

“I always knew this would happen. That you’d start to love someone. I’m happy for you, Jongin, I really am. I just– ...I thought it would be me,” Kyungsoo admits in a hushed whisper, but then shakes his head and says, “I also knew that, when you’d ask me to leave, I would. For the sake of your happiness, and I’m okay with it.”

 

“But you don’t need to leave?”

 

“Then what do you want me to do?” Kyungsoo asks, voice strained from frustration.

 

“ _Stay_ ,” Jongin pleads. “Please, just– Stay.”

 

A laugh forces its way out of Kyungsoo’s mouth, bitter and harsh. “How could you say that?”

 

“Listen, I don’t–” Jongin desperately searches for the words to say. “If you were in my place, you would’ve done the same! I had to, Kyungsoo. There wasn’t anything else I could’ve done.”

 

Something inside Kyungsoo breaks yet again, the string of hope snapping apart and leaving frayed ends.

 

He stares at Jongin in silence. “I thought you knew me better than this, but I guess not,” he spits out, dragging his hand across his cheeks to wipe away his tears. “If I was in _your_ place, then I still would’ve chosen you, given you all of my time, because I love you.”

 

One last look over his shoulder, and then Kyungsoo was gone.

 

That night, over the falling snow, above the sky that has been crying over them,

 

Kyungsoo leaves Jongin.

 

His soul turns into a dandelion seed three hours past midnight.

  
  


_~NeverEverLand has been waiting_

_For me_

_To fly back home_

 

_23 Dec 2021~_

  
  


It’s a hectic day for them. When winter rolls around, children around the world remember that Santa Claus is a thing and will grant their wishes and deliver gifts if they made it to the nice list. Angels get enlisted to help the elves, and Changmin and Yunho sit at their desk and stare at the stack of letters that grow and grow taller.

 

Nearing eleven o’clock on Christmas eve, a letter appears in front of Yunho’s stack of paper, not beside it like the rest. He knows what it means, he’s experienced it before.

 

It’s a last wish.

 

Nothing can change a person’s death, but if they wish for something and an angel decides it’s worth its weight against the person’s good deeds, then the wish is granted.

 

This letter is different. Yunho gets goosebumps as he reads it, eyes turning glassy with the swell of emotions.

 

“Hyung, what’s wrong…?” Changmin asks hesitantly, but rushes to his side.

 

Yunho only shakes his head, because he’s confused himself. He can’t comprehend how hurt his heart is because it hurts like when he used to live,

 

As a human.

  
  


_~"I decided to write one year, of my life into poems. For people who are in need of support. In need of justice. In need of love. It’ll never be easy, but never give up because somewhere out there you may be someone’s reason to live, without you even knowing it. You exist for a reason. Never refute it. May this paper give you strength to stood tall, no backing out."_

_Paper. 12 January 2021 by Do Kyungsoo.~_

  
  


"K-Kyungsoo… Hey, how are you?" Baekhyun asks, voice so soft and strained. He’s been crying all night since he received the call from the hospital regarding a Do Kyungsoo who had listed him as his emergency contact.

 

"You are… you were just at the wrong place… at the wrong time… you didn't deserve any of this, so please, please if you hear me." A sob. "Don't ever th-think you deserve it… okay?"

 

The room stays still, only the sound of the heart monitor beeps in the room, and Baekhyun’s weepy voice. “Neither you, or Jongin…” Another sob.

 

"Did y-you know...?" Now Baekhyun is crying, his hand pressed to his nose and eyes. He can't hold it anymore. "J-Jongin… h-he… last night… after the news of you g-got into- h-he… he tried to k-kill himself..." A pause. Baekhyun can’t continue, his throat is caught by the heavy guilt that wraps around it like a vice.

 

But he believes Kyungsoo can hear him, and he needs Kyungsoo to know how wrong he is. Baekhyun wants Kyungsoo to know, to realize.

  
  


_~One of my friends called me ‘the boy of hope’_

_I asked him why_

_“Even when death is in front of you,_

_Hope is still beside you.”_

 

_2021~_

  
  


Do Kyungsoo loses his memories. If he hadn’t, then he might remember the white, empty room that shifts into the sterile hospital room, Baekhyun grasping his hand, his cries echoing in the room, face bowed and hidden.

 

He might remember Baekhyun’s voice, telling him that it isn’t over drown between sniffles and sobs, that he needs to fight for himself, for Jongin, for everyone. He might remember how fast he ran after hearing Jongin’s condition.

 

He might remember seeing Jongin’s body laid on the same type of hospital bed, only a few rooms away from his. Bandages cover Jongin’s wrists and neck, the monitor of his heart start start .

 

He might remember the frantic shout of Baekhyun asking for help from outside the room, in the corridor, crying over the flatlining displayed by the monitor.

 

And he might also remember that, when he cried and started to fade away, he said a prayer to God.

 

Asking for a miracle.

 

Yet, he doesn't remember anything.

  
  


_"Save him, instead of me." -Do Kyungsoo_

  
  


~

  
  


_~My name is Byun Baekhyun, but it didn’t matter. No one asked my name, and there was no one I wanted to tell my name to. No one ever acknowledged me. Garbage, that was how my parents called me._

 

_My name is Byun Baekhyun. His name is Kyungsoo, Do Kyungsoo. A little boy with two scars on his plump cheek the first time we met. A boy with wide eyes and hand full of scars._

 

_We met in the foster care program when I was six and he was five. When I hid myself from everyone, he crouched down beside me under the desk and stayed there. It was the first time we met, when everyone else had given up on me, but he didn’t. And never will, I know._

 

_I grew close to Kyungsoo. Every day, he begged our foster parents to let him into my room, only to sit next to me, hands around his knees and back against the wall._

 

_Every day, I hid behind him no matter where we were._

 

_One day though, my name wasn’t Byun Baekhyun anymore. It was Park Baekhyun. I was adopted by the Park family. And Kyungsoo too got adopted, but he isn’t beside me anymore._

 

_Park Chanyeol kind of replaced him. Not entirely. It’s just that Kyungsoo wasn’t there, and Chanyeol took that place in his stead, but he hasn’t replaced him in my heart. Chanyeol made his own space instead._

 

_I was still in shock. With no interaction before, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t talk. I knew what words were and what they meant, but I didn’t know how to say them._

 

_Mr. and Mrs. Park were concerned about me. They were kind and loving, but I couldn’t tell them how grateful I was for them. I was still scared. Interacting with people was something new, something foreign._

 

_Especially with Chanyeol. All he could do was sit beside me when I broke down. He could only stare when I cried. He didn’t know what to do, and neither did I._

 

_Days came and passed. I finally knew where Kyungsoo was. He went back to his neighborhood. The old couple that lived beside him took him under their roof when his father went to jail. The neighbors had been asking him to live with him since the week he had gotten into rehab._

 

_The week he finally decided to go back, I came, and Kyungsoo decided to delay his leave. Five years later, he delayed it for me. Just for five years we spent time in the place the government had prepared for us. The problem was me, not him. He could’ve left just fine, but he didn’t._

 

_Chanyeol gave me books of poems, of stories. That was his way of interacting with me. Kyungsoo whispered the words softly to me._

 

_I don’t think Chanyeol ever read those books he bought for me. Maybe they were bestsellers or something, because otherwise who would buy book of depression for communicating with someone who had depression?_

 

_Silly him, but thanks to those books he gave me, I could understand Kyungsoo a little more, understand the words, and the world._

 

_As this book is about the boy of hope, I’ll tell you what he was like._

 

_Despite his age, he was always the one who led Chanyeol and me when we weren’t sure of things. He was the one who stayed by your side, to wherever you wanted to go. But at times you didn’t realize he was walking behind you, just to make sure no one would catch you by surprise, and let you lead the way. Yet, if anything came he would rush to the front, defending and protecting you, leading the way when you were afraid._

 

_When things got hard and tears wouldn’t fall from your eyes, he would cry for you. When you were happy, he would smile for you._

 

_He was the type to listen with his eyes trained on you. He was the one who would put anything down whenever you talked to him._

 

_He was the one who tried to give you more of the umbrella when it was too rainy or sunny and the umbrella wasn’t really big enough for the both of you._

 

_Kyungsoo was the one who shed your tears, without shedding his own. He was the one who suffered the most. Yet he smiled the brightest and it hurt for me to see, and for him to offer it._

 

_He lived. Only to suffer, yet he said it was a blessing for him._

 

_It was a way for him to prove to others that anyone, everyone, had reasons to live._

 

_Yet he didn’t include himself._

 

_The boy of hope. I hope that hope was with him when he went to NeverEverLand since I couldn’t be there._

 

_My name is Baekhyun. My name started to matter when the boy of hope shared parts of him just to give me hope in my life, losing parts of his yet he smiled as though it didn’t matter._

 

_He was the one who I called, hope._

 

_Then you may be wondering why the poems did not reach 365 days. Why does it stop at December 25th? Why does it have twenty blank pages?_

 

_He stopped writing on December 24th. The last one, the 25th’s, was his last poem that he wrote the night before. Before he flew to that NeverEverLand of his._

 

_I found it in the pile of crumpled paper in his trash can. The ink had turned blotchy from tear stains._

 

_Kyungsoo always wanted people to have hope. I can’t say for sure that he would’ve apologized about not finishing--he never said it anywhere, and because he can’t say it himself now, in place of him I’ll apologize._

 

_Everyone, including him too, has reasons to live._

 

_This book was written by Do Kyungsoo, and may this book be dedicated to him.”_

 

_Byun Baekhyun, friend of the boy of hope, 24 December 2022.~_

  
  


~

  
  


The clock is ticking, the wind that comes from his open windows passes his figure slowly. The world is moving, he is not.

 

The prick at his heart, the tug at his vein, and the shutdown from his brain are undefined. He cant get out of it.

 

He knows that there are people out there waiting for him to heal, to be alive, to smile,to be happy. But at times like this, he could not help but think so hard about it.

 

Will there be any difference if he is here or not? What about in another universe, there is no _him,_  and it's okay, better actually. What if?

 

If he is gone by tomorrow, who will cry for him? Who will cry seven years after for him? No one. He will be forgotten. He will be all alone.

 

What if he is the only one fighting? The only one thinking? The only one… suffering? He is totally all alone.

 

If he is not born, then maybe his parents would never fight, losing the love of their life, being happy all the time. Maybe Jungsuk would not leave his parents because his parents was too engrossed in him. Maybe Baekhyun would be a lot better having Chanyeol alone. Maybe Jongin would be happy with his life now, accepting his parents, following his dreams. And maybe, his mother should not die because of him.

 

Will there even be a person who comes to his funeral if he is gone now? Is there any reason at all… for him to live?

 

In times like this that his wrist hurt so much, the hyperpigmentation prove from his mother’s and his doing is calling, shouting, whispering him to come near it, with a blade again like old times.

 

To expand its territory, to go farther, wider and deeper. With the eyes of the moon on him, he pressed the blade deeper into his wrist. Dull. He couldn't feel the pain, what he feels is the ache in his left chest, his heart.

 

The image of his mother, crying and whispering a pray, blade in her arm, red keeps seeping out. And then his mother looked at him, ask him to come closer. When he is sat on her mother lap, she asked for his hand. He gave it, she took the blade and move it to his hand. It becomes a habit since then, he will never complain or resist what his mother do to him.

 

He searches for the same pain from the blade but even until five deep slides that has injured his wrist didn't make him feel anything. He goes farther, moving the blade to his tight, to his stomach, to his neck. He keeps pressing and cutting until he doesn’t have enough strength to move his arm anymore.

 

His shoulders were so heavy with so much burden. He wanted to ask his friends maybe, if they could help him, even just by listening to him. But he could not. He knew everyone has their own battle, their own struggle, he should not weigh them just because he is not strong enough to endure his battle. It is his fault for not being strong enough, if anyone should understand everything, it's him and should be him alone.

 

He just wants to forget. And restart everything.

  
  


_~Mother, how are you?_

_Are you happy?_

_You look so._

 

_Mother, where are you?_

_Are you happy?_

_Take me with you._

 

_2021~_

  
  


In all the rustling as the nurse has closed the soft fabric hiding Kyungsoo’s body, Baekhyun is still there, hearing the Jo crying over his best friends. And he is still there, no tears coming out anymore.

 

After the straight line that he saw, he ran off the door, shouting, asking for help. The nurses and doctor come running with a tray of defibrillator.

 

Baekhyun was ushered out from the room, one of the nurses didn't let Baekhyun go in anymore. Aunt and uncle Jo has arrived and has asked the nurse to do their best, to save Kyungsoo, as they cried in despair.

 

Fifteen minutes pass, two officers in blue uniform come to their side, giving a polite greeting to them and all of them greet the officers back in solemn.

 

"We know this isn't the right time to ask this, Mr. Jo, but my team has found the record of the accident."

 

Baekhyun knew this is not gonna be a good news. Part of him knew it, part of him is scared. Uncle Jo is at the peak of his downfall, his expression already in fully expectations of something unexpected.

 

The officer that talk before looked very hesitant, he must be the leader Baekhyun think. "We found out that by the last five second before the accident, Do Kyungsoo let the stir go by itself that no one controlled the car anymore and it slipped with the help of the slippery road." He paused, letting out a deep breath, "We would like to ask for confirmation from Do Kyungsoo himself regarding the accident and may-"

 

The door opened, the doctor come out, riding off the white handscoen and an expression Baekhyun has seen for thousands time already is wore by the doctor. The officer stopped talking and the five of them turn their attention to the doctor.

 

Aunt Jo is having her mouth open and closed, wanting to ask or let out something from her mouth but to no avail. The doctor looked at aunt Jo’s eyes with so much regret, her eyes start to water.

 

"I am so sorry for your lost, Mr. Jo, Mrs. Jo, we have tried our best, but God must have better plan for him."

 

Aunt Jo cried so loud, uncle Jo was clenching his hands so hard. Baekhyun was still at there, standing, no tears coming out.

 

"Thank you for your consideration, officer, but I want to let people remember Kyungsoo by how he lived, not by the way he died." Uncle Jo said, his voice strained and he was looking down. The officers nodded, saying their deep condolences and go.

 

And until that point, when they finally have been given the right to see Kyungsoo again, Baekhyun still could not move much. His feets brought him inside the room, but that’s all.

 

Everything is too sudden. He was still talking to Kyungsoo when the straight line sounded. He was still trying to digest what will happen when the officers come and not so subtly said that the accident was not an accident. Then before it could get to his head again, the doctor comes and said its over. It was all too much.

 

 _Is it that time again? The time when I lose somebody, again?_ He whispered to his darkness. It nodded.

  
  


_~I'm drowning, in the abyss of darkness_

_as their hands keep reaching my body to drown deeper_

_And as I breathed the darkness, nothing is left_

_From me, but the darkness._

 

 _Now they got me, my light has gone to where_ _–_

_I don't know_

_My light left me, because I'm dying_

_And nothing is left for it to stay_

 

_Because I have give up_

_on things I used to fight for_

 

 _Because what I fight for_ _–_

_‘Who I fight for’_

_Has find their own happiness_

_Without me in it._

_25 Dec 2021~_

  
  


During the funeral, Baekhyun loses himself. " _Why? Why not me?!_ " Chanyeol and Mr. Park try to hold Baekhyun back before he intervenes with the burial.

 

Mrs. Park fails to hold back her tears as she comforts Auntie Jo, losing herself in her husband’s hold. The weather also sheds, mourning for him the same as them.

 

The ceremonial wasn't kept to close friends, after all, so many people have received a blessing by the person’s presence alone. Their old schoolmates, neighbors, Sehun’s dance studio workers, his fans, and so many more are there. Jongin is there too, seated in the wheelchair while Sehun protects him from the rain of snow with yet another umbrella that joins the sea of black.

 

Once the priest has closed the prayer, the coffin is lowered slowly, and that’s when the facade breaks.

 

Baekhyun throws aside his umbrella and runs for the center, and thank God Chanyeol is right beside him and can grab him by the arm before he pulls away from the crowd. All the world seems to be forgotten by Baekhyun. His eyes are only on the coffin and he didn’t bother to hide his actions from the people staring. Too much in his own sorrow.

 

"WHY IT MUST BE HIM?! TELL ME!" He says between more sobs, and even Chanyeol can’t tell if the water dripping down his cheeks is from the quickly melting snow or his tears, but the chill is getting to him. Baekhyun looks so pale and weak, so as much as he tries to wrench himself from Chanyeol’s grasp, he can’t.

 

He eventually gives up, too weak to do anything, and slumps to the snowy ground. His hand is finally released by Chanyeol and Mr. Park, and that allows him to bend over and let himself be overtaken by his crying. As much as he screams or cries, it doesn’t change anything.

 

"Why… why… H-he has dreams f-for pe-people and not himself. S...so why… why i-it must be hi-him?" Baekhyun asks, the question directed to no one, or maybe God. His voice is so weak is lost underneath the wind and snow. Yet by some miracle, everyone there seems to hear him and more tears spill from their eyes.

 

"I don't have dreams… take me instead, God..." Determination seeps into his voice like his breath into the cold air, and he says it as though it’s the only thing that makes sense to him.

 

Under different circumstances, Mrs. Park would scold him and tell him that his life is precious too, and Mr. Park would chime in with his agreement. Chanyeol, as well, always beside him and supporting him, would tell him that he should live his life to the fullest.

 

And maybe Kyungsoo would be there too, smacking Baekhyun upside the head and telling him how silly he is to think so lowly of himself when he meant the world to Kyungsoo.

 

But under these circumstances, all they could do is ask themselves the same question in their heart.

 

_Why not me? Why him?_

  
  


_~We stroll above the sky full of aurora_

_Through the bridge of struggle_

_Leading to a better life_

_But the way never ends_

_As if it's only an illusion_

 

_2021~_

  
  


He walks slowly to the living room, where futons are laid for all their tangled limbs to rest. He crouches down and sits cross legged beside Jongin because there is no space left in the living room but there. His hands hiding his face, he cries out softly. “Chanyeol, thank you for taking care them, I’m sorry that you need to bear all of it alone. I’m such a bad friend, aren't I? I left you guys and… I dont know, I’m so sorry… but Thank you, thank you so much for taking care of Baekhyun, for taking him as yours, and to not give up.”

 

He sniffles, breathing out his heart. “You know, Baekhyun, in the heaven, there are these papers that grant wishes and dreams people desire the most. We call it Miracles because any miracle could be granted as long as you deserve it. At the end of this day, I hope you find what you want the most, the things that will make you happy because you deserve to be happy more than anything.Wish, and I _will_ grant it.”

 

He scoots closer to Jongin side, memorizing his feature, because this will be the last time. He brings his trembling hand to Jongin’s hair, the latter sighs in contain and turn to Kyungsoo's side, nuzzling to Kyungsoo without him realizing.

 

Tears flowing harder from Kyungsoo’s eyes. “Jongin, I’m sorry. I'm Sorry for planning on leaving, and really did leave. I broke my promise to never leave you, I'm sorry. Thank you for wishing after me, for caring me when I’m already gone. After this, please take care of yourself, don't ever hesitate for asking anyone’s help, you are loved by lots of people. When I'm gone, _again,_ please live and be happy. Don't mourn for me anymore, I want you to be happy." he leans down, eyes focused in Jongin’s closed eyes. "I love you, but this seems to be a goodbye." He whispers. Then their lips meet each other, softly, lightly, like a feather touch, it may be their last.

  
  


~

  
  


When he comes out from the house, snow falling hard, with no slipper or coat he walks slowly to the open space. Deep in his heart is pulling him back to the house again, but he just can't.

 

After knowing the truth, how could he do that? He has promised to Chanyeol that he will take half of his burden. He has promised to Baekhyun to never leave him. He has promised Jongin to be by his side forever.

 

He has promised, but how could he take an action so carelessly that shatters everything. Because of his doing, they need to burden everything with them. It's not what Kyungsoo live for. He lives his life so he can save people, to carry his friends and loved ones’ burden. So why he becomes the burden himself? If he is not egoist enough about his feelings, if he just didn't let his emotion got him the best, this would not happen.

 

Because of him, Baekhyun and Chanyeol wedding were postponed for years, damaging their insecurities and trust. Because of him, Jongin leaves his home to take care what he left.

 

They even didn't mention his name before, they keep addressing him as they best friends because he can't even remember them. How can he let himself forget?

 

It's because of him that they need to suffer. To blame it all on themselves, to be back on square and stay there, it's all his fault for leaving. But then, he cant stay. He _needs_ to leave. He has damaged them enough.  

 

“Yixing…” he whispers to the sky. At his back, white wings start to form from nothingness. A man with wings slowly come down from up there, already reaching for Kyungsoo once he is down on the ground.

 

Kyungsoo sobs, trying to contain himself and didn't bother his friends, but he can't. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t! He is breaking inside. Can tears not come out?

 

His wings made fully. Still in Yixing’s arm, the taller whispers “Come, angel, you did well," he caresses Kyungsoo’s hand when he cried harder. "You have work hard,” he continues. Kyungsoo felt so happy to hear those words, because he did work hard mentally, but not hard enough, if its enough maybe today he is still alive, celebrating the christmas eve with them like a normal person. He didn’t work hard enough.

 

Sensing Kyungsoo’s self blame, Yixing hugs him tighter, his wings start to sway back and forth, “let's go home.” he whispers the last time before the air float them and the clouds opening up to make way for them.

  
  


_~Where the flowers lay down, that's where I will always be_

_Where the snow melts away, that's where I will always be_

_Where the winter stays, that's where our memories will always be._

 

_2028~_

  
  


Baekhyun wakes from his dream so suddenly, why those memories come again? Why does it felt like he was there again? His heart is beating crazily, why is that?

 

When no little hand comes to squeeze his, and when he called his names, no one answering back that he realize… he loses him again. He panics. He stands abruptly, running to the kitchen, hoping to find Kyungsoo drinking a glass of water, but no, the kitchen is empty. He runs to the bathroom, hoping to find it closed because maybe Kyungsoo is inside, but no, the bathroom’s lamp is turned off and the door isn't locked. He runs to the second floor, hoping to find Kyungsoo going through his own small library, but no, he is not there.

  
  


~

  
  


The pain that causes Chanyeol to wake up was a dream. A dream when everything just begins, to end. The funeral takes a really big slap to him, for not realizing faster, for not acting before it's all too late.

 

The cries of Baekhyun, the tears of Jongin and everyone. It clung to his heart. The voice of their cries keep ringing back like its real and he was really there.

 

When he wakes up, the space beside him is empty. From where he lay with open eyes, he catches the shadow of Baekhyun running upstairs, calling Kyungsoo’s name between his sobs.

 

That's when it slapped him that yes, everything is repeating. Including when Kyungsoo leave them and they are all too late to realize.

  
  


~

  
  


Christmas eve. Is that why Jongin dreams of all that? He remembers waking up to white ceilings, feeling numb. But then he remembers when he asked the doctor how Kyungsoo’s doing when the man said he is sorry. Why would he be sorry? Then the truth arises between that sorry.

 

He lost his second chance to have Kyungsoo in his life, and that permanent. When he wakes up, he will not find Kyungsoo in the kitchen, making their breakfast. When he is busy,he will not receive any message reminding him to not work himself out. When he is alone, no one will be there.

 

He couldn't move his body at that time, but he did shout cries until he passed out.

 

That dream of memories stopped when somehow, he felt someone caressed his lock. When a soft touch collides with his lips. That’s when the dream end, turning into blank space where he hears Kyungsoo’s little whisper. _"I love you, but this seems to be a good bye."_

 

He shouts to himself to wake up right at that moment. But he cant, his body did not allow him. But now he is awake, the space beside him is cold, a blanket draped over him when he remembers he has kicked the blanket earlier, and near his hand, a leather book placed.

 

He sits and takes the leather book, in the background he hears Baekhyun crying out Kyungsoo’s name. When he opens the book, he found out that it's like any book that Kyungsoo have, it’s a book where he writes poetry. The neat and tidy handwriting stood out.

 

What also stood out is the old blue paper and a long white feather, soft like a silk, light like the air.

  
  


~

  
  


Above the bed, _Paper._ laid open, and a polaroid and a gray marker are on top of it. It's the pic of them four in the summertime when everything was alright, when they just made into the sophomore of college, when everything seems to have it’s own light. At the bottom of the pic, there is a sentence Baekhyun has never seen in that polaroid before.   _‘Please be happy.’_ written in the gray color. When Baekhyun takes it in his hand, his finger touched the letter and the marker got smeared at the end. Still freshly written.

 

He clutches it to his chest, not wanting to give up and believe. He makes his way down, only to find Jongin slumped on the floor, tears streaming out from his eyes, Chanyeol right beside him having the similar tears in his cheeks. A leather notebook is in Jongin’s lap, along with a white feather in his hand. Baekhyun breaks down right at there. The other following, cant keep their tears inside anymore.

  
  


_Though here is a word of warningー you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn't to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.”_

 

_Angels by Lang Leav_

  
  


~

  
  


_Miracle. by KS, BH, JI, and CY._

  
  


_~_

  
  


_~We may not have the best day out there_

 

_Our friends may not pay any attention_

 

_No one may seem like they care_

 

_But really, there are who do_

 

_Who cares_

 

_They may be hollow to human eyes_

 

_Silent to human ears_

 

_But their love, should stay in your heart._

 

_Dream, wish, no one could stop you._

 

_KS 2028~_

  
  


_~_

  
  


_~Hope. Hope. Hope._

 

_Why could someone not have one?_

 

_Then I saw his eyes_

 

_That door to the heart._

 

_It still confusing for me._

 

_To receive a genuine happy smile_

 

_But sad eyes at a millisecond in the end_

 

_Hope, are you still there?_

 

_If so, come out, light that boy’s life._

 

_He has been looking down for so long_

 

_No one took a notice of that door to his reflection_

 

_Come._

 

_Be right in front of him_

 

_So he will look up_

 

_To you, Hope._

 

_KS 2028~_

  
  


_~_

  
  


_~We live to suffer._

 

_To make a living proof that we are strong._

 

_We will step over the darkness_

 

_Because the darkness, is our shadow._

 

_They will always stay there,_

 

_But as long as we stand_

 

_Above them._

 

_We are the winner._

 

_Don’t doubt oneself, dear Light._

 

_KS 2028~_

  
  


_~_

  
  


_~Today I met my appa. He was older then what I remember. The crease in his forehead has been added. He looks a lot older._

_He looks miserable. Could I say it that way?_

 

_Today, he said that he love me._

_I finally could breath. Do I have a privilege to say that?_

 

_Appa, I’m alright._

 

_Whatever you did in the past, I believe omma also want you to know that_

_She love you._

 

_And I, I also want you to know, that I love you._

_Please do take care._

 

_We both love you._

 

_KS 2028~_

  
  


_~_

  
  


_~You resemble him a lot._

 

_When I look at your eyes_

 

_You seem like we never met_

 

_You act like one_

 

_I'm sad_

 

_But I"m happy, because you look happy._

 

_The once stiff shoulder now could relax_

 

_The once teary eyes now tear up over a joke_

 

_The once deep voice that holds reassurance_

 

_Now still hold one, but without hiding your burden behind._

 

_You may forget me. But I will never._

 

_You are my hope,_

 

_You come, stayed, but then you fade away_

 

_I blame myself_

 

_But Hope, it's not my fault, nor yours._

 

_You did come again, when I’m at my bottom_

 

_You stayed to show me that I could stand again._

 

_Then you go, again._

 

_I'm still here, waiting for a third chance, standing._

 

_Hoping that the second chance wasn't the last one_

 

_Because I want to have you_

 

_Holding my hand. Becoming my hope_

 

_Whom will never leave again._

 

_BH 2028~_

  
  


_~_

  
  


_~You taught me so much. So much that I feel like my whole life was wrong. You taught me to care, to sing in the rain, to smile in the deep ocean, to hold heavy things close when the wind blows. You taught me, that I’m not wrong to walk away, but I’m not right either._

 

_You teach me about love. Every inch of its million shapes. You were there every second of it. You gave me your hand, you reached up to me. You support me in everything but still scold me when I did wrong. You taught me to speak up, to ask for help when I need it. I so want to ask you why you didn't back then? But I think it's you who doesn't even know that you need one, a help, because you were too occupied with everyone else’ happiness but yours._

 

_You, where are you? Again, it seems too late to say thank you._

 

_Thank you._

 

_CY 2028~_

  
  


_~_

  
  


_~Kyungsoo, thank you for giving me happiness that I never deserve. Thank you for giving me ears that I never deserve. Thank you for giving tears I never deserve, Thank you for giving me shoulder I never deserve. Thank you for giving me the love I never deserve. Thank you for staying in my down and still there in my up. Thank you for being a person, my whole life never deserve. I never deserves you, but you stayed._

 

_You stayed with my stubborn self, you run to me when I don’t have anyone, you hold my hand when the razor starts to be numb, you smile for me when I couldn’t, you cry for me when I couldn't. Will I ever deserve you?_

 

_All lies I utter, you received it with a smile. Every word I give, you shake it like it doesn't hurt. You stayed when I don't. If you remember anything, never blame yourself on leaving. I should have hold your hands, should celebrate the christmas eve like all years before, I should have stayed true to you who stayed. But I didn't, that why, its not wrong of you._

 

_I should have never takes you for granted, thinking you will always understand me because you always do. I should have cared. I should have spended more times with you when you were still there. But my stupid self, my pride that I followed blindly, didn't do any of those. I’m sorry_

 

_I'm sorry for keeping you as my place to cry, I'm sorry for going away when everything was right and only come when I'm broken again, I’m sorry for not listening, I'm sorry for not realizing, I’m sorry._

 

_I wish you were there, beside me, telling I’m wrong to feel at fault, to stay when it's too late, to mourn for things I do not deserve, to be guilty, to be born. I wish you were there but you were not and that's okay. When you found me again, you look happier, like nothing is burdening you, and that's okay. Every inch of pain that I deserve is worth your happiness, like how you used to prioritize my happiness above everything._

 

_Kyungsoo, will you hear the words I never tell until it's too late? Sorry, thank you, and I love you.I will do anything, even search the universe to find you again. So that night, would not be our good bye._

 

_JI 2028~_

  
  


It’s been three months since Kyungsoo hasn’t been able to work effectively. His heart keeps aching no matter how hard he tries to distract himself by thinking of other things. Everyone is worried about him, and he appreciates that, but it’s harder and harder to show a smile like always.

 

Yixing approaches him. Why he hasn’t gone back to China is still a mystery to Kyungsoo, but he doesn’t dwell on the thought for long. “Yunho called you,” Yixing tells him.

 

With a heavy heart, he walks to Yunho’s room.

 

“You left your notebook there,” Yunho says once he enters. Changmin and Yixing stand behind him.

 

“It seems so…” Kyungsoo replies and then sighs. It’s the end, it seems. “I’m really sorry, Yunho. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have played around with a wish that involves a dead person. I should’ve just tossed it, but I promised him instead. I have to go down and explain that it can’t ever be granted. It’s my fault, I’m so sorry.” He lowers his head to hide the tears welling up in his eyes.

 

Yunho walks over to him, but instead of casting him out, he wraps his arms around him and hugs Kyungsoo close.”You know that all of us, at one point, needs to go down. I was the one who directed that paper to you, Kyungsoo, because all of us receive a second chance to make everything right. It’s not your fault.”

 

“You mean, it's… not just me?”

 

“You met Minseok there, right?” Kyungsoo nods, his head at Yunho’s chest. “He received his sister’s paper, and it’s not wrong of him to go down, nor Luhan for going too, nor any of us who have gone down to do the same. We have the privilege to do so, it’s just not everyone knows about this because no one can assure them that their memory will come back. That’s up to God.”

 

Then Yunho pulled away and continued, “I didn’t call you here to punish you for things you didn’t do wrong. I’m just sending the message from Him.”

 

Shock came over Kyungsoo. “For me? B-but, I’m just a little lamb…”

 

“One he’s proud of.”

 

Then, before his eyes, hundreds of scraps of papers surrounded them. These Papers of Miracles all had his name on it.

 

_"Kyungsoo has saved me, please bring him back."_

 

_"Do Kyungsoo, my brother’s life is saved by your books, please come back and save more lives."_

 

_"The man who always greets me, who is just a jobless and useless human being. Your papers have changed my life. Please come back, Do Kyungsoo"_

 

_"I’m sorry I was mean to you. Please forgive me and come back, Kyungsoo, my son is still waiting for you." -Kim Taeri_

 

_"I realize what I did wrong all thanks to you. Kyungsoo, please come back and brighten Jongin’s life." -Krystal_

 

_"I will stay, I will stay with you, lets live together again when you come back, little brother." -Jo Jungsuk_

 

_"Kyungsoo, where are you?" -Do Minjun_

 

_"All I want is you back." -Byun Baekhyun_

 

_"Kyungsoo, don't forget that you are Baek’s bestman. Please come back." -Park Chanyeol_

 

_"My wish will not change. Please come back to life, Do Kyungsoo." -Kim Jongin_

 

—and many more. All the papers have his name on it. Then one paper appears right in front of him. It’s empty, but his name is there. He looks up to see the three of his seniors giving him a reassuring smile.

 

In a blink of an eye, a sentence is inked onto the paper

 

_"I want to go home." -Do Kyungsoo_

 

Yunho nods, and then the paper disappears. His wish has been granted. And so does the hundreds of papers. “Go, little one. They have been waiting for you, your family.”

 

Tears stream freely down his cheeks and Yunho, Yixing and Changmin walk over and hug him close.

 

“I-I… but you guys will—” He sobs.

 

Yixing pats his head with so much affection. “Yes, we will make sure to visit you. Now go.” Then he takes Kyungsoo’s hand, guiding him to the end of the cloud.  “And be happy. Become the brightest light and the sourest salt in the earth, share your miracle for others. We will see you again. It's not a goodbye."

 

Kyungsoo turns to see them waving at him. The he falls down to the earth, his wings fluttering and guiding him to the two-story house with a garden full of bonsai.

 

When he lands, his wings fade away with a glittering smoke.

 

He walks with unsteady legs through the paved stone. He knocks, and the sound of footsteps grows louder until the door opens.

A smile blooms, a hug envelopes him, cry of longing echoes.

He is home.

  
  


_~your home is within them who wait and love you with no end._

 

_2029~_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_This time, it’s not a poetry book. This fifth book is about an angel who comes down from the heaven because one wish asked him._

 

_It takes a place one year ago, his wings become the price but today, he is living and happy with his best friends living under the same roof. Loving everybody and loved by everyone. Especially from the man who receives his kiss on the Christmas eve._

 

_I am Do Kyungsoo. I am happy to have my Paper of Miracle been granted. I am happy to live and to fight. To reach this point._

 

_Whoever you are, do not give up on your dream. Miracle may come in unexpected forms._

 

_The end._

 

_Story. by KS -2030_

  


**Author's Note:**

> What I want to say as you must be done reading this story is thank you, thank you so much… I had a really hard time writing this(especially after 18th dec) but thankfully I survive and can keep writing this fic until its finished.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this and take in your heart that maybe but surely, someone needs you, and someone could be there for you when you need them. I hope this year would be kind for you, and everybody else, never give up n your or anyone :) thank you.
> 
> //I'm very disappointed with AO3... I actually made colored text to make it easier for you to read as in the poets and wishes are in a more grayish color. BUTTT surprise me, I just remember AO3 don't have that kind of feature in here//


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